I just Gotta Know...Now!!!!!


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TryingHardToNotTrySoHard is offline TryingHardToNotTrySoHard Post #11  February 7,2012, 9:49pm
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is learning much, but why is there always much to learn?

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I think you need to step back and put all the other stuff out of your mind for a second (hard as that may be) and ask yourself, "Do I truly love him, as he is?" If the answer is yes, tell him. Most people can pick up when someone is really being genuine. If the answer is that you really just want support and security while going through a tough time, it's not love, at least not yet. Expressing your love for the first time is way too important to do it for the wrong reasons. Talk about it in detail with those you can trust and be open and brutally honest with yourself about what you're feeling and why.
 
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scandalous is offline scandalous Post #12  February 7,2012, 10:28pm
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If he does not say "I love you" back, are you prepared for this? And would you be ok with this? Ask yourself if you are wanting to say "I love you" to him as a way of getting him to say it back to you.

It's natural for us to want to be loved by our partners, so that in and of itself is not a bad thing. I suppose you could ask yourself what is really motivating this need to "know right now", besides wanting something "solid". Is it more that you need more of a boost of confidence?

And with Valentine's Day coming up, he may already be feeling pressure that you are expecting him to say it--pressure and expecations, not good.

If you are wanting to know where you stand with him, why not just ask him that? Just say, "where do I stand with you?" or "where do you see this going with us?" I've done that before, and I was able to get a clear picture and an honest answer without the whole pressure with the "I love you" thing.

Personally, I would prefer if the man says "I love you" first. It hasn't always worked for me the other way around. And his "probably do" answer is quite telling. For me, there is no "probably", it's either do or don't. A person knows whether or not they love someone or not. There is no need for "probably". That would be like if I said "I love you" to a guy and he says "maybe I love you, too." --huh?-- If a guy ever said that to me, I would know he was unsure and the answer would most likely be that he doesn't, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #13  February 8,2012, 7:36pm
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OP,
I am also concerned that you are rebounding off the profound depression that you described in http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...art-2-a-5.html (Bomshell part 2) on January 30. You stated couldn't get yourself together to shower and brush your teeth, and yet only a few days later you turn it around wanting to say ILY to the boyfriend who infected and enraged you.

IMHO, you are vulnerable, hurt and depressed. I'm not sure you can be sure of how you feel right now, and to expect the bf (whom I was sure you were ex-ing from the last thread) to reciprocate with ILY is a very unrealistic expectation. He may have been supportive during this time of turmoil, but he's the one who caused most of the turmoil.

Add having to look for a job into the mix, and it doesn't set you up to appear sincere but rather needy.

Have you considered counseling to attempt to sort out your true feelings?
 
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softwarmbreeze is offline softwarmbreeze Post #14  February 9,2012, 8:39am
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tink333 wrote :
OP,
I am also concerned that you are rebounding off the profound depression that you described in http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...art-2-a-5.html (Bomshell part 2) on January 30. You stated couldn't get yourself together to shower and brush your teeth, and yet only a few days later you turn it around wanting to say ILY to the boyfriend who infected and enraged you.

IMHO, you are vulnerable, hurt and depressed. I'm not sure you can be sure of how you feel right now, and to expect the bf (whom I was sure you were ex-ing from the last thread) to reciprocate with ILY is a very unrealistic expectation. He may have been supportive during this time of turmoil, but he's the one who caused most of the turmoil.

Add having to look for a job into the mix, and it doesn't set you up to appear sincere but rather needy.

Have you considered counseling to attempt to sort out your true feelings?
I read your post and I believe you may be right. I am feeling very mixed up and borderline crazy..I think that I have unfinished business to deal with. And I do believe there is possibly some underlying anger as well. Thankfully I can go to see someone who has a sliding fee scale so I will be able to afford it. Thank you very much...for your very profound advice. I will act on that advice.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #15  February 9,2012, 10:23am
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I agree with the previous comments. I don't think the timing is right at all both because I think your current circumstances will impact how it is received and also because of all you have been through I would personally take more time to make sure I really loved him. I personally would want to be sure that my feelings of insecurity and need for support wasn't causing me to feel stronger feelings than I would ordinarily.

If it were me, I would see more benefit in holding off. I personally haven't heard of any relationship that ended because the woman didn't say ILY soon enough. I'm sure if you are acting in a caring and loving manner in other ways it is not entirely necessary to say it.

I also think you might be overestimating the amount of comfort you will get from hearing it. It feels very much like you are narrowing in on one thing that you think will make your current situation better, when in reality I am not sure it will. Not to mention if he doesn't say it back it feels like it could be devastating in the midst of everything else that is going on. Are you prepared for that or the fact that this ILY could cause an issue if he feels your feelings are moving faster than his.
 
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