In search of an 'exclusive committment' after 5 months of a rollercoaster emotional journey!


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noordinarywoman84 is offline noordinarywoman84 Post #1  February 4,2012, 8:18am
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I've been hanging out with this guy for the past 5 months, ever since we met. Within the 5 months together, we've only gone about a month without seeing each other - literally - we see each other every single day primarily because, we each come from the same country (where we had been in the same program in university)and moved to start in the same graduate program. We'd known eachother back in our previous university but were just acquaintances because our paths didn't cross much.We do pretty much everything together since we met - eating, grocery, travelling, going out to parties, name it. The attraction between us has been very strong since we met. Intimacy (sex) began 3 weeks after we met in our new program. We had out first conversation about a committed relationship a month into us meeting. I started the conversation. We however agreed that it was too early, that we should get to know each other better. He also mentioned that he felt he wasn't ready just yet for a committed relationship of the level that I was looking for (a relationship with marriage as the ultimate focus - I'm 27, he's 25). He also said, that he really wanted to take his time and be super sure about a woman before dating again because, he wanted it to be the real deal - something long lasting and true.

About 3 months into us meeting - and us continually seeing each other every day, he randomly told me that he wanted us to get married in 2 years. I was blown away and super excited to hear that from him .I told him that it sounded good to me and 2-year timing was great. About a 1-2 weeks later, we start talking about our christmas plans and he talks of wanting to travel to another country to visit his.... EX!.... who was insisting on buying him a ticket to come over (he broke up with her just before leaving for grad school). I thought this was absurd and was upset about it. I let him in on my feelings (after she'd bought the ticket!) and he told me that I had nothing to worry about - that they were just friends and he had no intentions of getting back with her. He also said that he had other people he wanted to see as well - that she wasn't the only reason why he was going. He was gone for 2 weeks.

So, 4 months of knowing him passes. He returns from his trip - and he says he is confused . He said seeing his ex made him realise he still had some feelings for her but still felt so strongly about me. He said he was confused and needed to sort out his feelings. He also swore that he never got intimate with her (I asekd). So fast forward to today. 5 months of us knowing each other. He's currently not talking to his ex. He told her he needed space to sort out his feelings. Me and him are back to where we left off before we went on christmas break. He hasn't said anything about us committing to an exclusive relationship. He says he still wants to get married next year - if he finds the right person .

I should add that this guy has a lot of female friends, which make me feel very insecure (talking to a mutual friend from home, she told me that he's always had a lot female friends). Initially, these friends i realised he had were all long distance friends - but with time he has come to make new friends in this new place. He's really hot, and these girls are always calling him and wanting to hang out with him. He does spend most of his time with me, but still talks to these other girls on the phone a lot - and occasionally hangs out with them. It makes me feel very insecure and jealous . Unfortunately for me, I recognize that I'm totally in love with him now and don't know what to do. He assures me that these girls are 'just' friends and that he has no feelings towards any of them - but I still feel insecure

I've tried to create distance between us as a means of drawing him close - but its really hard because he's my only real friend around here and our lives have become so intertwined in these past 5 months. I've failed miserably at it. I recently decided to give him a month to ask for an exclusive commitment - or else I confront him about it. If he doesn't, then I back off - for good. I'd appreciate people's advice on this. Is this the best approach? Is 6 months enough time for him to decide whether or not he wants a committed relationship with me? Please advise!!!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  February 4,2012, 9:36am
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You are 'hanging out" five months...he stammers but then offers you the world...then (supposedly) his ex suddenly buys him a ticket ...then he 'still has feelings for her"

He is not ready to settle down...of course he wants intimacy with you, so he will tell you whatever you want to hear. Your ultimatums will not work. He wants to explore his options and nothing you say or do will change that...including more trips back home to his girl there to explore that.

If you enjoy his company for now that's great..... if you want "more"...well.... he's told you and shown you he wants to keep his options open...Good Luck
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #3  February 4,2012, 9:54am
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I'd say he enjoys your company and the sex, but doesn't see you as "the right person." If he did, he wouldn't have risked losing you by going to visit his ex, but instead would have spent the Holidays w/ you.

If an exclusive relationship is what you want, it won't be (not now, nor likely ever) w/ him.

If hanging out casually w/ him is what you seek (guessing not), that's what you have... don't hang on, push ultimatums or the like hoping it's going to change... it won't.
 
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SearchingHoping is online now SearchingHoping Post #4  February 4,2012, 10:01am
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Noordinarywoman,

There is a lot going on here. I will start by saying you cannot make someone love you or commit to you. Either they feel it or not. Forcing someone by twisting their arms or through manipulation will not be sustainable.

Other comments:


noordinarywoman84 wrote :
because, we each come from the same country
What are his and your plans after you finish grad school? Are you both planning to go back to your country, to a third country or stay in the current country? This is a very important decision for both of you at your ages. Some people prefer to establish themselves in terms of jobs, citizenship, etc, before engaging in a committed romantic relationship (I did, I am an immigrant). If this decision has not been made yet, this might be the reason why he/you is not ready for marriage.

noordinarywoman84 wrote :
I'm 27, he's 25).
At this age, it is very likely you are at different pages in terms of marriage. Compounded with immigration, this is even more likely.

noordinarywoman84 wrote :
He also said, that he really wanted to take his time and be super sure about a woman before dating again because, he wanted it to be the real deal - something long lasting and true.
He told you he is not ready for a relationship with you (he may enjoy your friendship and sex, but he does not want the same you want in this relationship's future).

noordinarywoman84 wrote :
he talks of wanting to travel to another country to visit his.... EX!...
Why did you continue seeing and sleeping with this man after he accepted this ticket to see his ex? He is clearly telling you he is not that into you, he enjoys "hanging out" and sleeping with you, but he has not developed an emotional attachment.

noordinarywoman84 wrote :
He returns from his trip - and he says he is confused
Of course he is, he has been all along. And you too.

noordinarywoman84 wrote :
but I still feel insecure
You should work on your insecurity before pursuing a romantic relationship with any man.

noordinarywoman84 wrote :
he's my only real friend around here
I strongly recommend you work on yourself. As the cliché says, love yourself first. I also recommend that if you have not managed to establish friends in your current city-country (WHY?), that you at least seek advice from your friends and family at home.

noordinarywoman84 wrote :
I recently decided to give him a month to ask for an exclusive commitment - or else I confront him about it. If he doesn't, then I back off - for good. I'd appreciate people's advice on this. Is this the best approach? Is 6 months enough time for him to decide whether or not he wants a committed relationship with me? Please advise!!!
Six months is too short, especially at grad school at age 25-27 (it is also a short time at age 44, where I am at).

Why are you so desperate to get into a committed relationship so fast? It seems you want an instant relationship. What are you running away from? Yourself?

Throwing yourself into a relationship, will not fix your self-esteem issues, insecurities, etc. Very few men (or women) would want to engage in a relationship with a person who does not have a plan for the future (maybe you do have one, but you have not spoken of your plans beyond "getting this guy to commit to you"), is secure and confident.

I recommend you focus on yourself for a while before seeking a romantic relationship. This guy is not ready for what you want and he has clearly told you so, in words and in actions. If sleeping with him makes you feel attached to him, then do not sleep with him.

Please notice I am basing my feedback on the little information you have shared. I am sure there is more to this...

All the best. SH.
 
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noordinarywoman84 is offline noordinarywoman84 Post #5  February 4,2012, 12:45pm
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Thanks for the advice everyone! Very, very helpful comments... I guess I was just refusing to see things for what they really are. I needed to be told these things. 'SearchingHoping'... thanks for that thorough breakdown. I know I've been pretty silly with the way I've handled things with this guy. I deserve so much more! I am normally a very secure person. I am also very confident and focused with a life plan laid out ahead of me. I guess my problem is probably that part of my life plans includes getitng married in the next few years (3years max). Maybe that's why I am settling for this kind of situation.

I like to believe that I am keeping my options open, after all - I'm on eharmony! Lol. I'm also talking to a few others, problem is - none of these people live in the same country as I currently do, making it close to impossible to get to know them well enough. Believe me though, today marks the beginning of the end of my emotional attachment to this guy,

I thought I should clarify a few things though:
1. We felt that the christmas break away from each other was good for us to each figure out how we really felt about each other. I was also out of town visiting family and friends (no exes!) over the period. However, I thought it was totally absurd for him to accept the invitation from his ex though.
2. We both plan to hang on here for a few years after grad school then head back to our country. This is one of the many reasons why I felt we were suited for each other, we had similar life goals...
4. He is no longer talking to his ex. I have proof of that.
5. I do have friends, but by 'real' I mean people that I am able to hang out with regularly because they are either married or have pretty different preoccupations and schedules, etc. - making it impossible for us to really develop a good friendship.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #6  February 4,2012, 12:57pm
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noordinarywoman84 wrote :
I've been hanging out with this guy for the past 5 months, ever since we met. Within the 5 months together, we've only gone about a month without seeing each other - literally - we see each other every single day primarily because, we each come from the same country (where we had been in the same program in university)and moved to start in the same graduate program. We'd known eachother back in our previous university but were just acquaintances because our paths didn't cross much.We do pretty much everything together since we met - eating, grocery, travelling, going out to parties, name it. The attraction between us has been very strong since we met. Intimacy (sex) began 3 weeks after we met in our new program. We had out first conversation about a committed relationship a month into us meeting. I started the conversation. We however agreed that it was too early, that we should get to know each other better. He also mentioned that he felt he wasn't ready just yet for a committed relationship of the level that I was looking for (a relationship with marriage as the ultimate focus - I'm 27, he's 25). He also said, that he really wanted to take his time and be super sure about a woman before dating again because, he wanted it to be the real deal - something long lasting and true.

About 3 months into us meeting - and us continually seeing each other every day, he randomly told me that he wanted us to get married in 2 years. I was blown away and super excited to hear that from him .I told him that it sounded good to me and 2-year timing was great. About a 1-2 weeks later, we start talking about our christmas plans and he talks of wanting to travel to another country to visit his.... EX!.... who was insisting on buying him a ticket to come over (he broke up with her just before leaving for grad school). I thought this was absurd and was upset about it. I let him in on my feelings (after she'd bought the ticket!) and he told me that I had nothing to worry about - that they were just friends and he had no intentions of getting back with her. He also said that he had other people he wanted to see as well - that she wasn't the only reason why he was going. He was gone for 2 weeks.

So, 4 months of knowing him passes. He returns from his trip - and he says he is confused . He said seeing his ex made him realise he still had some feelings for her but still felt so strongly about me. He said he was confused and needed to sort out his feelings. He also swore that he never got intimate with her (I asekd). So fast forward to today. 5 months of us knowing each other. He's currently not talking to his ex. He told her he needed space to sort out his feelings. Me and him are back to where we left off before we went on christmas break. He hasn't said anything about us committing to an exclusive relationship. He says he still wants to get married next year - if he finds the right person .

I should add that this guy has a lot of female friends, which make me feel very insecure (talking to a mutual friend from home, she told me that he's always had a lot female friends). Initially, these friends i realised he had were all long distance friends - but with time he has come to make new friends in this new place. He's really hot, and these girls are always calling him and wanting to hang out with him. He does spend most of his time with me, but still talks to these other girls on the phone a lot - and occasionally hangs out with them. It makes me feel very insecure and jealous . Unfortunately for me, I recognize that I'm totally in love with him now and don't know what to do. He assures me that these girls are 'just' friends and that he has no feelings towards any of them - but I still feel insecure

I've tried to create distance between us as a means of drawing him close - but its really hard because he's my only real friend around here and our lives have become so intertwined in these past 5 months. I've failed miserably at it. I recently decided to give him a month to ask for an exclusive commitment - or else I confront him about it. If he doesn't, then I back off - for good. I'd appreciate people's advice on this. Is this the best approach? Is 6 months enough time for him to decide whether or not he wants a committed relationship with me? Please advise!!!
I'm not sure you should wait a month. Personally, I think you should get rid of him now.

"Going to see his ex for Christmas?" Talk about the things you do not do when you're in a relationship, or even want to be in a relationship with someone. Same with talking with other girls, and hanging out with other girls.

But see, you're not in a committed exclusive relationship with him. He's told you where he is - "I need time." "I'm confused." "I have feelings for my ex." "I need to sort out my feelings." "I need space."

These are not the things that guys say or do when they want to be with you. When a guy wants to be with you, you know it. And really, with the amount of time that you guys have been spending together, he knows. He knows what he feels for you, he knows if you're the one or not.

Honestly, I think a lot of people on these boards who have questions really know the answer - they just need to hear it.

My advice for you, OP, is to go over, meet him, talk to him, maybe go out for drinks and talk to him, and hash this stuff out, one way or the other. And if the answers aren't satisfactory, then leave.

P.S. That stuff about getting married next year... to the right girl... if it were you, you would know it.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #7  February 4,2012, 1:24pm
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Noordinarywoman,

Dump him now. No man who has any intention of committing to a woman travels to see his ex on a ticket the ex buys for him if there is no child custody situation. He probably went back and told her how he's seeing you to get her to compete for him again And then on top of that he comes back and says he's confused and needs to sort out his feelings? Give me a break! What garbage. He is stringing you along.

I'm sorry you're going through this. This guy seems to be a real charmer. When you don't feel right about a relationship, don't ignore those instincts. Your guts usually tell you when something is wrong.
Last edited by insertscreenname; February 4,2012 at 1:30pm.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  February 4,2012, 7:07pm
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noordinarywoman84 wrote :
Please advise!!!
why would you do this to yourself?
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #9  February 5,2012, 10:10am
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I don't know why you would want an "exclusive commitment" with someone when your time with them thus far has been "a rollercoaster emotional journey".
 
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