Recently D - Ex's new GF broke into Ex's work e-mail


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4disney is offline 4disney Post #1  February 2,2012, 1:28pm
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and sent me harassing messages (that I thought were from my Ex). When I called to confront him about the subject of these messages, he sounded genuinely surprised and didn't know what I was talking about. I pushed more and told him the context of the messages and then said he left his phone at his new GF's home and she must have sent them to me.

Now that I threatened to have get him in trouble/fired at work for allowing someone to impersonate him and send messages through a secure work e-mail account he is backtracking and saying he was really the one who sent the messages.

I have a call into my lawyer and I guess I will let her figure out what is true or false, and if I should pursue it. If it matters, my ex had multiple affairs in the workplace and works in a Sr. Management position. I caught him with a VAR in his car a few years ago. We are also still finalizing our settlement even though the D was just finalized. I think it's time to knock him down a few pegs, but it may be at the cost of my Alimony/CS if he gets fired.
Last edited by 4disney; February 2,2012 at 1:38pm. Reason: more info
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  February 2,2012, 1:50pm
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Being vindictive and acting out on your unfortunately justifiably hurt feelings might feel good in the moment, but ultimately will cause you problems and regret in the long run. Sometimes it's simply wiser to stop and look at the big picture down the road and chose more wisely what you do today.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #3  February 2,2012, 4:03pm
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If it wasn't him why can't you let this go??? You sound like you want to punish him. He may have acted badly, even terribly, but you won't be able to move on in YOUR LIFE if you can't start to let go. If your brother's ex, for example, did this would you act the same way???

If you think it was him get a restraining order.
 
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brokensmile76 is offline brokensmile76 Post #4  February 2,2012, 4:31pm
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I agree with Kiki. Just move on. The whole intention of settling a divorce is to be cool, calm and collective for the time. If it was the new GF, well congratulations, her plan to get you worked up; worked! Be two steps ahead of her and act like you didn't care about what was said in those emails. Let it bounce off of you like berry bounces off "The Rock" Dwayne Johnson's pecs!

Just bask in the light of knowing you got out of a relationship with a cheater and now his new GF is gonna have paranoia eat her alive wondering about whether or not he is cheating on her.

I know you feel personally attacked by the new GF for sticking her nose where it didn't belong and act immature. Just move forward and start healing over the pain you went through with that relationship. There is light at the end of the tunnel if you're willing to accept what happened, it is what it is and be willing to continue with your life's journey.
 
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4disney is offline 4disney Post #5  February 2,2012, 4:35pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Being vindictive and acting out on your unfortunately justifiably hurt feelings might feel good in the moment, but ultimately will cause you problems and regret in the long run. Sometimes it's simply wiser to stop and look at the big picture down the road and chose more wisely what you do today.
This is my struggle. I have kept my cool and respect through finding out about multiple affairs and being treated with no respect at every turn. I am at the end of my rope and feel as if he will never stop if I don't stand up for myself even after our divorce is final.

KikiAZ wrote :
If it wasn't him why can't you let this go??? You sound like you want to punish him. He may have acted badly, even terribly, but you won't be able to move on in YOUR LIFE if you can't start to let go. If your brother's ex, for example, did this would you act the same way???

If you think it was him get a restraining order.
I can't let it go because the subtext of the messages had to do with the children. The ink is barely dry on our divorce after a very long term marriage and my oldest is in counseling yet now the kids need to meet dad's next flavor of the month? I don't care if ex has 100 girlfriends, he can move on and have sex with the world for all I care. Women do not need to meet my children after two weeks of dating and freak out my children any more than they already are.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #6  February 2,2012, 4:48pm
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I just don't see why you don't delete and not read the messages....don't acknowledge them in any way....

By doing what you are doing it's only adding fuel to the fire.

They are his children as well and unless you have a custody arrangement where he is not allowed to see the kids at all.....It's not up to you when he decides to introduce girlfriends to the kids...you can ask him to please be careful about this so the kids don't get attached to new women....but that's all you can do....you can't "forbid" him from doing this.

I fear this is going to be one of those situations where the parents try and turn the kids against the other and all that does it hurts the children further.

Guess what....they LOVE their father....and that is ok.....He may not be a great guy and unless he is truly physically or truly emotionally harming them for you to change the custody agreement....Getting upset because your ex has moved on and is dating others won't do anything except make it harder for you to move on....Let him be the parent he is going to be...He's not going to make the same decisions as you and you certainly won't agree with them all.

It's about your children now....It's great you are taking them to counseling....and hopefully you are going for yourself as well. The absolute best thing you can do is to allow your children to be ok with loving their parents....and keeping the extreme anger you have towards your ex out of their lives...learning how to someday be the best parents you can....together is the goal. The better the two of you can get along the better it is for the kids.

Again...I hope that both you and the kids can go through counseling to help come to a calm and kind place one day between you all.
 
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4disney is offline 4disney Post #7  February 2,2012, 4:57pm
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brokensmile76 wrote :
I agree with Kiki. Just move on. The whole intention of settling a divorce is to be cool, calm and collective for the time. If it was the new GF, well congratulations, her plan to get you worked up; worked! Be two steps ahead of her and act like you didn't care about what was said in those emails. Let it bounce off of you like berry bounces off "The Rock" Dwayne Johnson's pecs!

Just bask in the light of knowing you got out of a relationship with a cheater and now his new GF is gonna have paranoia eat her alive wondering about whether or not he is cheating on her.

I know you feel personally attacked by the new GF for sticking her nose where it didn't belong and act immature. Just move forward and start healing over the pain you went through with that relationship. There is light at the end of the tunnel if you're willing to accept what happened, it is what it is and be willing to continue with your life's journey.
I know...it's just so hard to deal with. I guess I need to re-evaluate the situation and see what my lawyer has to say and go from there. This is not the first time one of my ex's lady friends contacted me (one while we were married) so it's just hard and it sucks.

I was mostly upset with the e-mail chain she responded in because it had a lot of my private personal information like our divorce settlement info, my SSN, salary, mortgage and banking info....etc. So inappropriate to let a stranger access company e-mail.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #8  February 2,2012, 7:09pm
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I know this is hard, 4disney. My ex and I had a quite contentious divorce unfortunately and it's hard on everyone. Document everything and then let it go as much as possible, is my advice. If things get to the point where you have to do something, you will have the things you need but I really believe that it's best to let it play itself out without engaging if you can.

I've been divorced for more than 10 years and my ex, who has been remarried for most of that time, still tries to engage me in stupid arguments from time to time. I simply won't engage with him anymore. When he sends me messages trying to start something, I ignore them. When he calls me yelling and calling me names, I calmly tell him that unless he can speak civilly I will hang up and then I do. It's not easy and as soon as I hang up I sometimes need to talk to someone that I know loves me to counter all the negativity.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I think counseling is a great idea. And it may need to continue for sometime. My oldest seemed fine for a really long time, then went through a really bad time a few years later and needed help. As much as possible, leave them out of it and don't vent to them no matter what! The truth is that they will figure it out if he really is a bad father. My kids are figuring it out all by themselves. It's heartbreaking, but things would not have been any better if I had told them all the carp he's done over the years.

Also, it would concern me some that all of your private information is being handled through his work email. I don't know about your ex's workplace, but everywhere I've ever worked my employer can access my email and see anything there. I don't think I'd want all that information out there if I were you.

Hang in there and know that things will get sunnier.
 
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jme21 is offline jme21 Post #9  February 2,2012, 8:09pm
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Sounds like you're trying to one up him for the classiest person ever. Congratulations.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 2,2012, 9:18pm
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4disney wrote :
I know...it's just so hard to deal with. I guess I need to re-evaluate the situation and see what my lawyer has to say and go from there. This is not the first time one of my ex's lady friends contacted me (one while we were married) so it's just hard and it sucks.

I was mostly upset with the e-mail chain she responded in because it had a lot of my private personal information like our divorce settlement info, my SSN, salary, mortgage and banking info....etc. So inappropriate to let a stranger access company e-mail.
It is reasonable for you to request he obtain a non-work-related email to use for communicating with regard to the divorce.

Realize every time you involve the attorney, he/she makes money at your expense. Evaluate very carefully if it is worth your and your ex's eventual financial ruin to be so contentious.

Your kids are in counseling. Perhaps you should consider this for yourself as well. You have a lot of anger, and probably well justified; however, you will find it difficult to heal and begin a new chapter in your life as well as be the best parent you can be to your children if you continue the contentious and angry behavior with your ex. The divorce is final. It's over. You need to find a way to move on and parent your children.

You will never be able to control what his girlfriends do or say, and issues of your privacy and identity should not be accessible to anyone other than the people who need to know the information. You can take steps to protect your identity without becoming contentious with the ex or his girlfriend. Protect your identity - it is something within your control. You'll feel empowered and at some point less angry. Take control of what you can control and let go of everything else.

The anger will not serve any purpose other than to further consume you and spread negativity to your children and divide them.

I wish you well.
 
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