cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #1  February 2,2012, 7:11am
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It seems the more I read about relationships, the more curious I become. I've heard a lot a black and white answers on here on a lot of threads but I'm wondering...

Is there a relationship rulebook out there that only a privileged few have had a pleasure of reading? What are those rules? To the happily married and the happily divorced, what are your rules for a "happy" relationship?
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  February 2,2012, 7:16am
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Rule #1: There are no rules.
Rule #2: There are no exceptions to rule #1.
 
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dovegirl is offline dovegirl — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  February 2,2012, 7:44am
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Well, I'm not married, but I am engaged. In general, I agree with tweet...there are no "rules". Different things work for different people. But I do see certain trends among my female friends who have a lot of relationship drama, so a lot of what I'm about to say focuses on the female mindset and how it should be for relationship success in my opinion. I am happy in my relationship, and in order to stay that way I have kept the following things in mind:

- Don't ever, EVER try to change another person. You can either accept them as they are, or move on to someone who better suits your needs. Anything else will just lead to resentment, hurt and wasted time.
- communicate, communicate, and talk and listen and communicate. Don't ever expect him to read your mind. If you say "nothing" when he asks you what is wrong...then he is going to think nothing is wrong! Tell him if something bothers you. Tell him your goals. Listen to his. Talk about how to split up chores, finances, and other responsibilities. Know what makes each other happy in the bedroom. Everything should be clear, no murky waters.
- date with the goal of a long term relationship / marriage in mind...NOT a wedding. Girls with princess syndrome make me sick. We are talking about life here, not a movie.
-lower your expectations. This may seem pessimistic or unromantic, but what I mean is this...no one is perfect. So when you first start dating someone and you think "he is perfect!"....he isn't. What might be true is that he is perfect for you, but even that is qualified by the fact that everyone is human and is going to make mistakes and have bad days. Don't look for a prince, look for a partner.
- and, finally, don't expect your "happy" relationship to be happy all the time. The beginning is exciting, but then life intrudes and sometimes you have boring days. Sometimes you fight. Sometimes people are sick and cranky. What matters at this point is that you don't get complacent. Do little things every now and then that remind each other how you feel, and of those early points in the relationship. Still go on "dates". Write love notes. Make dinners. Whatever it might be. That little thrill you get to be reminded that someone loves you and is there for you, will make up for the bad times.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #4  February 2,2012, 9:00am
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I'm not married, never have been, but have been in a couple of LTRs and agree with Dovegirl's statements. It seems that the closer I've gotten to working with the guidelines she notes, the better my relationships have been. Communication, in particular, is essential. Being able to communicate one's thoughts, needs and boundaries is healthy. It helps both partners understand the others' perspectives and expectations. And if the relationship doesn't work out, at least you know you did your best to make yourself clear to the other person.

As for the 'rulebook' the 'privileged few' seem to have read, well... in any community, including eHA, you're going to run into people who act as if they have all the answers. They'll portray themselves, their lives, and all of their relationships, as highly functional, with few mistakes made. They may preach or say things that sound judgmental, but in truth, they have their challenges, too. Nobody has all of the answers. The best thing you can do is seek to understand your shortcomings and learn from your mistakes.
 
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cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #5  February 2,2012, 11:29am
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dovegirl wrote :
Well, I'm not married, but I am engaged. In general, I agree with tweet...there are no "rules". Different things work for different people. But I do see certain trends among my female friends who have a lot of relationship drama, so a lot of what I'm about to say focuses on the female mindset and how it should be for relationship success in my opinion. I am happy in my relationship, and in order to stay that way I have kept the following things in mind:

- Don't ever, EVER try to change another person. You can either accept them as they are, or move on to someone who better suits your needs. Anything else will just lead to resentment, hurt and wasted time.
- communicate, communicate, and talk and listen and communicate. Don't ever expect him to read your mind. If you say "nothing" when he asks you what is wrong...then he is going to think nothing is wrong! Tell him if something bothers you. Tell him your goals. Listen to his. Talk about how to split up chores, finances, and other responsibilities. Know what makes each other happy in the bedroom. Everything should be clear, no murky waters.
- date with the goal of a long term relationship / marriage in mind...NOT a wedding. Girls with princess syndrome make me sick. We are talking about life here, not a movie.
-lower your expectations. This may seem pessimistic or unromantic, but what I mean is this...no one is perfect. So when you first start dating someone and you think "he is perfect!"....he isn't. What might be true is that he is perfect for you, but even that is qualified by the fact that everyone is human and is going to make mistakes and have bad days. Don't look for a prince, look for a partner.
- and, finally, don't expect your "happy" relationship to be happy all the time. The beginning is exciting, but then life intrudes and sometimes you have boring days. Sometimes you fight. Sometimes people are sick and cranky. What matters at this point is that you don't get complacent. Do little things every now and then that remind each other how you feel, and of those early points in the relationship. Still go on "dates". Write love notes. Make dinners. Whatever it might be. That little thrill you get to be reminded that someone loves you and is there for you, will make up for the bad times.
I absolutely love everything you said! You'd think people have the common sense to know how to do things this way but that's not always the case.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #6  February 2,2012, 11:45am
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cristie86 wrote :
I absolutely love everything you said! You'd think people have the common sense to know how to do things this way but that's not always the case.
Maybe we should all get the highlights tattooed on our forearms as a reminder.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #7  February 2,2012, 11:57am
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My best-learned lesson is:

Conflict is natural. Putting off or ignoring problems does not make them go away. Dealt with quickly and efficiently, conflict does not have to mean drama, yelling, or resentment. People who don't have conflict, either don't have standards or won't enforce them.

Also, not all problems can be solved. Most can. The others you have to work around. (while communicating about it).
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #8  February 2,2012, 12:03pm
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My forearm is running out of space. The best relationship rulebooks have about 200 pages and no more than five rules.
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #9  February 2,2012, 12:23pm
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Never keep score.

Do things for your S/O because you care about them, not because you expect them to square it up later with something of the same value.
 
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dovegirl is offline dovegirl — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 2,2012, 1:35pm
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cristie86 wrote :
I absolutely love everything you said! You'd think people have the common sense to know how to do things this way but that's not always the case.
Aww, thanks! I think the fact is that it's hard to keep common sense when a strong emotion like love (or let's face it, lust) is involved. It's hard to remember this stuff even for me, and I just spelled it out! haha.

You have to really, really know yourself, your principles, your wants. You need to know what you need in a relationship, before the emotions get involved. And to not lose yourself in the relationship; to stay an individual, once you are in one. It's hard work!

What's struck me in the past is how hard some people work to figure out what's wrong with them and why they can't find someone to love them. When really, they've got it backwards...they should find someone whom they can love. Because then you become a more thoughtful person, at least where that particular individual is concerned. One of my favorite things in this world is to make my husband-to-be smile. The ideal situation, of course, is when the other person feels the same about you. Then you've got a cyclical kind of thing going on, you are both working at making the other happy.

Again, not all the time. Sometimes you want to kill them, haha. But still, deep down, you want the best for them.
 
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