BelieveInMe is offline BelieveInMe Post #1  February 1,2012, 8:07am
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I am 49 years old and I am having a relationship problem around Facebook! Feel very silly, but stuck. I have been in this relationship for 1.5 years. I am having trouble accepting that he will not "friend" me on FB. He knows that it hurts my feelings. He knows that I see it as an issue with our intimacy. He says that I should respect his wishes. He considers FB his "cave" where he goes to keep up with family. Also he states that he does not want to have to deal with me questioning him when old female friends from high school say hello. He is committed to me, tells me he loves me, we talk about a future together, we text or talk everyday...so there is a lot of good here. But my concern stems from the fact that I have worked very hard to get him to this place in the relationship. He has a lot of baggage, married 3 times and each ending has a story... So I wonder if I "created" this relationship and he is in it for reasons other than true love. If he loved me, how could he keep me off his silly FB (as he refers to it) knowing how much it bothers me and hurts me?? FB over me? Really?

I would appreciate any advice to help me get un-stuck. Thank you
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  February 1,2012, 8:36am
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How is the relationship working otherwise ? Are you a part of his life as far as family/ kids/vacations etc go ?

To me, keeping you off his FB is a red flag ....The first thing which came to my mind is, that is like having a cell phone you do not know about ... Others will pitch in with a wide variety of opinions on this shortly I am sure.
 
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BelieveInMe is offline BelieveInMe Post #3  February 1,2012, 12:39pm
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Goomph,

I am completely included in his life, vacations, family, work....But, it took a lot of patience and work to get him here. I really fell for him and after six months of dating I wanted exclusivity, then I wanted more of his time, then I wanted him to tell me he loved me....I got it all. He tells me that he is always honest with me and sometimes that will hurt. That is fine, I prefer honesty. But I can't help but feel that something is missing...He talks about marriage in the future...IDK. Why does he need this cave? His answers do not satisfy me. Is it me??
 
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BelieveInMe is offline BelieveInMe Post #4  February 1,2012, 12:46pm
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Seems I have a new problem I need some help with...why is my question listed under Widows/Widowers, and more importantly, how do I change it to Relationships!!! Thanking you in advance...
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  February 1,2012, 12:50pm
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The bolded parts alarm me .....

Others will chime in soon and offer their opinions. if you think something is missing, something is missing somewhere. Might be you, might be him. Might be some incompatibility. It could be that he loves you to death and does everything you ask of him, but it is not enough, might be that you are needy and clingy and nothing will ever be enough. I am not saying that is the case, just that you will need to open up a little bit more on your relationship. Or he is just enjoying your company and only doing what you force him to do, and might have a seperate life ...

There are people much better then me here who have excellent advise almost all the time, sit tight, they will contribute.

BelieveInMe wrote :
Goomph,

I am completely included in his life, vacations, family, work....But, it took a lot of patience and work to get him here. I really fell for him and after six months of dating I wanted exclusivity, then I wanted more of his time, then I wanted him to tell me he loved me....I got it all. He tells me that he is always honest with me and sometimes that will hurt. That is fine, I prefer honesty. But I can't help but feel that something is missing...He talks about marriage in the future...IDK. Why does he need this cave? His answers do not satisfy me. Is it me??
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  February 1,2012, 12:54pm
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Hmmm,

I am not sure of this but. you could hit the report button at the lower right and write that this thread is in the wrong forum and if they could move it to the relationships forum.

I am not aware of any other way to get the attention of a moderator, shame on me Something I should know I guess ...

BelieveInMe wrote :
Seems I have a new problem I need some help with...why is my question listed under Widows/Widowers, and more importantly, how do I change it to Relationships!!! Thanking you in advance...
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #7  February 1,2012, 3:33pm
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Hi BelieveInMe,

I've moved the thread for you.

If you were to put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes, do you think you have done anything to make him think you would be concerned if old female friends contacted him? In these kinds of cases, openness and honesty always helps. If you really do not mind female friends contacting him, tell him so. (This could also be a result of baggage from previous relationships - maybe his past girlfriends had issues with him talking to female friends?)

I do not think you're needy at all - quite the contrary, in fact, and I base this on the fact that it took you 6 months to want exclusivity.

To me, a 'cave' is someplace I can retreat to when I'm stressed, or need to relax, and don't want to talk to anybody. Facebook is definitely not a cave. I think it's reasonable that after 18 months you become FB friends. (FWIW, my g/f and I were FB friends before the first date...)
 
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annika-lee is offline annika-lee Post #8  February 1,2012, 4:01pm
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I agree- it is very reasonable to be FB friends. This is definitely a red flag. Although, your boyfriend mentioned that he doesn't want to have to deal with you questioning him about female FB friends. Have you displayed jealously in this relationship? Perhaps if he sees you as the jealous type, I could understand his hesitation.

I am curious about how you write that it took you a lot of patience and work to keep moving your relationship forward due to your boyfriend's baggage. I am also with a man with a lot of baggage and for my own personal reasons - I am wondering if you have any suggestions that have worked for you. Thanks!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  February 1,2012, 4:44pm
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I don't know the significance, if any, of this Facebook, but an intimate partner comes well before family, that's for sure.

I could respect not wanting a girlfriend prying into family matters, but there are means other than Facebook to tend to such things.

I'd say you are right.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #10  February 1,2012, 5:43pm
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Well.... People use Facebook in lots of different ways. Some use it as a "friend" collector, some to connect with family, some to keep in touch with old friends, some as a site for playing games.... Not everyone thinks about it in the same way. What it isn't, though, is an accurate barometer of love or intimacy or individual value.

I use FB to keep in touch with people who are far away, and with a few people I've connected with online. Some of my closest friends in real life are not FB friends (why bother? we see each other and keep up in real life...). My own sister and I didn't even get around to "friending" each other until quite recently.

You mention that he has a lot of baggage, but it appears that you are carrying around your share of luggage as well. In any event, this is a pretty minor issue in the big scheme of things around which to engage in a power struggle, so I can't help but wonder if there are bigger issues that are being played out here. Certainly, if you have a tendency toward jealousy and distrust and insecurity, then his "friending" you on Facebook will not change that.

Have you actually seen his Facebook page? Is there anything about it that compels you to feel that you need to monitor him?
 
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