Opposite-sex friendships in a LTR


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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #1  January 31,2012, 8:19am
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How do you handle opposite-sex friendships when you're in an exclusive, LTR? Is it okay for your SO to spend one-on-one time with those friends?

I've been with my guy for almost 6 months. He brought up being exclusive a couple of months into it, and I agreed. He's always talking about future stuff w/me. He treats me great, and we have an amazing connection.

Recently, he mentioned a female friend I hadn't heard of yet. She'd texted him one evening to see if he'd like to join her for a drink. He was already in bed, so he didn't. He suggested maybe happy hour another time soon. He asked if I'd like to join them next Friday evening, and I said okay and asked him more about their friendship. She is the best friend of a girl he was stuck on for many years and had finally let go of the very week he met me. He said he's had a friendship w/this woman independent of the ex-love and wanted to keep that friendship. She doesn't know about me yet (he says they've hardly communicated in a long time). I was a bit uncomfortable especially since this friendship was news to me and my last LTR ended due to that guy cheating with one of his "friends." Anyway, we seemed to have a good talk, and he seemed understanding and open. I woke up the next morning feeling peaceful about it and looking forward to Friday evening.

A couple of days later, he said he wanted to talk about something. He said he'd originally asked me to join them out of a fear of conflict/rejection but he felt bad about doing that and not just being upfront that he wanted to meet her on his own and get caught up. I told him I felt hurt and excluded and that I didn't understand his need to meet up w/her alone, that I want to share my friends w/him and also him w/my friends. He said he feels it's important to have an "I" as well as a "we." I agree, and I don't see how including me jeopardizes his "I." We talked and talked -- he said I could come, but I still feel uncomfortable.

He's going through some personal growth and knows that this is related and seems willing to try to understand me. I don't want to assign my baggage to him, but I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable with my partner feeling the need to nurture relationships w/females without me around.

Are you okay with your partner doing happy hour on a Friday evening w/an opposite-sex friend? How do you guys balance the "I" with the "we?"
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #2  January 31,2012, 8:27am
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CestMoi wrote :
Are you okay with your partner doing happy hour on a Friday evening w/an opposite-sex friend? How do you guys balance the "I" with the "we?"
I am not okay with it, but I am aware that I might have jealous tendencies that many other women do not have. Luckily, throughout my life I've wound up with men who have enough imagination to know that they wouldn't like it if I did the same thing.

There is definitely an "I" and a "we" in my relationship, but neither one of us wants to do anything that jeopardizes the "we" right now so we both avoid that. I'm not sure how I'd handle your boyfriend. There might be a disconnect about values that would end the relationship.

I'm sure others have different views.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  January 31,2012, 8:36am
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Nope. "I" is about work, hobbies, and personal goals, not about hanging out with oppposite-gender friends alone. "We" is developed by sharing friends, which is not to say that people need to be joined at the hip as far as friendships are concerned.

Also, the fact that he invited and then uninvited you...says a bit about his own comfort level, whether it's about her or about the status of your relationship. Six months in, you should already know his friends. There is no valid reason why you couldn't be included in the catch-up visit (other than that you might be bored to tears).

I tend not to date men who feel the need to keep a harem, platonic or not. Long-standing friendships that merge into shared friends, in some cases. Otherwise, no.
 
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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #4  January 31,2012, 8:43am
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harnomygirl wrote :
Luckily, throughout my life I've wound up with men who have enough imagination to know that they wouldn't like it if I did the same thing.

There might be a disconnect about values that would end the relationship.
.
He volunteered that he'd be fine w/me spending time w/whoever I want, alone or not. To me, this is irrelevant since I have no interest in hanging out w/opposite-sex friends without him (other than my friend who is about 35 years older than me and like a dad, and I would invite my bf even then).

That's what I'm concerned about -- a disconnect in values. This is so unexpected -- we were on the same page with everything -- until this.
 
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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #5  January 31,2012, 8:50am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Six months in, you should already know his friends. There is no valid reason why you couldn't be included in the catch-up visit (other than that you might be bored to tears).

I tend not to date men who feel the need to keep a harem, platonic or not. Long-standing friendships that merge into shared friends, in some cases. Otherwise, no.
I agree with you 100%. My ex-bf had the "harem," and it turned out he was keeping them warm for a rainy day, so I admit I have some baggage around opposite-sex friendships. I don't want to make my current bf pay for someone else's behavior, though I can't see myself being comfortable w/him needing alone time w/female friends.

I thought I did know all of his good friends. He's made sure to include me in his close guy friends' activities, especially the longer we've dated. I've hit it off w/all of his friends, and they keep inviting me when they're inviting him. That's another reason that I'm feeling confused.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  January 31,2012, 8:52am
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It's a definite values difference. Some are okay with it. Others aren't. The ones who are will say you're needy and clingy and jealous. It isn't necessarily so.

Everyone has a different idea about what adds value to a relationship and what detracts from it. It's important to be on the same page or to reach an agreement both are comfortable with.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  January 31,2012, 8:55am
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I am jaded on this so take it with a grain of salt ...

I would be out of there ....
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  January 31,2012, 8:55am
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CestMoi wrote :
I agree with you 100%. My ex-bf had the "harem," and it turned out he was keeping them warm for a rainy day, so I admit I have some baggage around opposite-sex friendships. I don't want to make my current bf pay for someone else's behavior, though I can't see myself being comfortable w/him needing alone time w/female friends.

I thought I did know all of his good friends. He's made sure to include me in his close guy friends' activities, especially the longer we've dated. I've hit it off w/all of his friends, and they keep inviting me when they're inviting him. That's another reason that I'm feeling confused.
Then she's either not a good friend and there's no reason to risk your discomfort over it, or she is and there's some reason he's not comfortable including you. Either way, it needs to be something the two of you agree on.

If she worked with him and they went to lunch now and then - that's one thing. But, being attached to an ex, not being part of his regular group of good friends, and being someone he's not comfortable having you around - flag.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  January 31,2012, 8:57am
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Agree with above posters...this is a double no. Drinks with a female friend without you is to catch up on his ex without you around.

Also the sudden appearance of this "friend" who wants spontaneous late night drinks?..Inviting you was to throw you off the track....and never the intention. Why the secrecy?

He now thinks it's OK for you to go out with other men?....interesting......Step back from this and consider that he is on the rebound with you and may want to reconnect either with this "friend" or his ex......Good Luck...
CestMoi wrote :
he mentioned a female friend I hadn't heard of yet.

She'd texted him one evening to see if he'd like to join her for a drink.

She is the best friend of a girl he was stuck on for many years and had finally let go of the very week he met me.


he wanted to meet her on his own and get caught up.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #10  January 31,2012, 9:12am
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CestMoi wrote :
I agree with you 100%. My ex-bf had the "harem," and it turned out he was keeping them warm for a rainy day, so I admit I have some baggage around opposite-sex friendships. I don't want to make my current bf pay for someone else's behavior, though I can't see myself being comfortable w/him needing alone time w/female friends.

I thought I did know all of his good friends. He's made sure to include me in his close guy friends' activities, especially the longer we've dated. I've hit it off w/all of his friends, and they keep inviting me when they're inviting him. That's another reason that I'm feeling confused.
I was in a similar situation with my first boyfriend. A few months in he got an invite from an ex girlfriend to "hang out". He invited me to go to. Then closer to the day he told me she cancelled. I also thought I had most of his friends.

About 1.5 years into our relationship he let it slip he had 3 close female friends he hung out with all the time when I thought it was with the male friends I had already met. Then about 2 years in he let it slip that he DID meet the ex girlfriend all that time ago.

He tried to make it seem like it was no big deal. I was hurt that he was hiding his female friends from me. We didn't last much longer after I started learning all this information.

On the other hand, I have had male friends not be allowed to be friends with me anymore because of their girlfriends. Friends I had known for years. They said their girlfriends, who had never even met me, were threatened by me.

I can see both sides of the issue, and I think if someone is upfront and honest about their friends then it is not a big deal. There should be lines made of what each person is comfortable with.

Maybe you should let him have a day to catch up but then suggest meeting her with him another time. Tell him you are interested in getting to know all his friends. If he declines, then you should be worried.
 
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