Opposite-sex friendships in a LTR


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notyet is offline notyet Post #81  February 8,2012, 9:42am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
...she's putting herself in situations where it's easy to trust her.
and this may very well be the point. trust is easy when the other makes her/himself easy to trust. but shenanigans are not tolerated. and i would not expect them tolerated of me either.
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #82  February 8,2012, 10:05am
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harnomygirl wrote :
I think if someone performed an act of heroism for you, and then the two of you bonded over intimate weekly discussions about your most passionate interests, one or both of you would fall in love.
Ha. Right, of course, because life always imitates the movies.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #83  February 8,2012, 11:28am
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nick222 wrote :
Ha. Right, of course, because life always imitates the movies.
Not always. But often enough to remain interesting.
 
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123noname789 is offline 123noname789 Post #84  February 8,2012, 11:50am
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Whenever this comes up in the eHarmony Q and A, I cringe a little. Generally I answer it in the middle ground '...comfortable with a few well established friends...' and I don't push to always 'be included' in the activity. But, I also, in a serious relationship, don't go out of my way to 'encourage' opposite gender friends.

But, the real issue has to be determined between couples. My view on it has less to do with trust than with commitment to OUR relationship, and experience and observation have given me general guidelines. In most of my adult life I've been nomadic, due to my career and hence the majority of my friends and associates too. Past college, rarely would I meet someone's friend from h/s or even college, generally because they now lived in another state. So, most of the friendships were formed as us transplant adults. In most cases, for me, when women became involved in a relationship, and it grew more serious, our friendship would wane a touch. We remained good friends, but we'd see each other less frequently, talk a little less and became less of a priority to each other. A trend mirrored with a few college friends I knew too. This is not to say I never had a lunch without their husband/SO present, even if it were just the 'two of us.' But, we were well established friends and the events were usually due because I flew into town, or they did to my area. Any further plans on the trip, generally I'm back to the 'third wheel' with the SO joining us.

I have met couples, some married, who carry on as if they were single. Highly flirtatious, attending 'loose parties' without their SO, both equal participants in these 'open relationships.' I have found many of them end in break-ups.

Friendships can be carried for life, irrespective when they started and gender. But, when conditions change for one, and they enter into an exclusive relationship, it isn't going to be the same as the 'old single days.' Relationships are generally between two people, not a group.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #85  February 8,2012, 12:04pm
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My observation as well:
123noname789 wrote :
I have met couples, some married, who carry on as if they were single. Highly flirtatious, attending 'loose parties' without their SO, both equal participants in these 'open relationships.' I have found many of them end in break-ups.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #86  February 8,2012, 12:05pm
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123noname789 wrote :
Whenever this comes up in the eHarmony Q and A, I cringe a little. Generally I answer it in the middle ground '...comfortable with a few well established friends...' and I don't push to always 'be included' in the activity. But, I also, in a serious relationship, don't go out of my way to 'encourage' opposite gender friends.

But, the real issue has to be determined between couples. My view on it has less to do with trust than with commitment to OUR relationship, and experience and observation have given me general guidelines. In most of my adult life I've been nomadic, due to my career and hence the majority of my friends and associates too. Past college, rarely would I meet someone's friend from h/s or even college, generally because they now lived in another state. So, most of the friendships were formed as us transplant adults. In most cases, for me, when women became involved in a relationship, and it grew more serious, our friendship would wane a touch. We remained good friends, but we'd see each other less frequently, talk a little less and became less of a priority to each other. A trend mirrored with a few college friends I knew too. This is not to say I never had a lunch without their husband/SO present, even if it were just the 'two of us.' But, we were well established friends and the events were usually due because I flew into town, or they did to my area. Any further plans on the trip, generally I'm back to the 'third wheel' with the SO joining us.

I have met couples, some married, who carry on as if they were single. Highly flirtatious, attending 'loose parties' without their SO, both equal participants in these 'open relationships.' I have found many of them end in break-ups.

Friendships can be carried for life, irrespective when they started and gender. But, when conditions change for one, and they enter into an exclusive relationship, it isn't going to be the same as the 'old single days.' Relationships are generally between two people, not a group.
Very interesting way to see things....I don't happen to agree or see it the same....but as mentioned...it needs to be what works for each person and couple...

I see a ltr or marriage as yes between two people but that include spending time with wonderful friends of both sexes, our extended family, our groups like church and volunteer organizations, work friends, as well as alone time as a couple as well as ourselves...

So our lives our filled with all sorts of people and activities...as well as time off alone...The key is whether the relationship is being nourished and both partners feel fulfilled in their life...

I just happen to believe that my partner is not responsible for meeting all my needs...That's why I have girlfriends, guy friends and need my alone time. Just like he does.

I don't care about "open relationships" or whatever you are speaking of of these 'loose parties'??? I don't know anyone who does this....so it's not in my realm of thought...

Again...whatever works for each person...I've been very blessed with trusting my partner 100% and they do with me and I've never run into any problems with this in any of my relationships...
 
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123noname789 is offline 123noname789 Post #87  February 9,2012, 2:10am
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Ingytravel wrote :
Very interesting way to see things....I don't happen to agree or see it the same....but as mentioned...it needs to be what works for each person and couple...

I see a ltr or marriage as yes between two people but that include spending time with wonderful friends of both sexes, our extended family, our groups like church and volunteer organizations, work friends, as well as alone time as a couple as well as ourselves...

So our lives our filled with all sorts of people and activities...as well as time off alone...The key is whether the relationship is being nourished and both partners feel fulfilled in their life...

I just happen to believe that my partner is not responsible for meeting all my needs...That's why I have girlfriends, guy friends and need my alone time. Just like he does.

I don't care about "open relationships" or whatever you are speaking of of these 'loose parties'??? I don't know anyone who does this....so it's not in my realm of thought...

Again...whatever works for each person...I've been very blessed with trusting my partner 100% and they do with me and I've never run into any problems with this in any of my relationships...
The word 'trust' keeps coming up and that isn't the primary focus as I see it. It's more of 'priority.'

In my early adult life, I knew many, of both genders, getting married and starting families and the lines that often came out were, '...I wanna work on my marriage...' Or, 'Where's Bill/Barbara' ? With a response like, 'Oh, he/she doesn't come to these things anymore, they're busy with the new house and baby/kids.' Their life has changed, priorities have changed and relationships with friends will change, particularly those who are still single. Fully understandable. They keep the same friends, maybe add new ones, but don't live as they were single in their now 'new life.'

It might be a little different with more 'mature couples,' say 50+. Their kids are grown, moved out, they were both married before and have friends from decades ago. They keep their friends gained from different periods in their life, but joining in a relationship will still come with a change.

Agree 100% with balance and keeping friends. I love my alone time, don't have to share all the interests/hobbies with SO. But to me, the whole purpose of relationship comes with some exclusivity and the exclusion of others. Children have even been cited as a reason for marriage failure. Where the couple pours all the emotional energy, time and priority into the kids at the expense of the parents. The couple falls apart.

But, I agree with you, to each his own.
 
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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #88  February 9,2012, 8:58am
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alethea wrote :
Was he able to explain why he wanted to keep you separate originally? Does he know why that was?
Yes.

It's become clear to me after seeing my therapist and doing more soul-searching that this really is a trust issue related to my ex-bf. I know deep down that my current bf is a good man and is NOT my ex. My higher self believes we should be able to have opposite-sex friendships and be trusted -- she just got a bunch of BS piled on top of her! I trusted my ex with his friendships in the beginning -- that was the REAL "me" -- then I got burned. I know my REAL self, and I'm going to trust again.

I recognize that there is a full spectrum of comfort levels among different people here. That keeps things interesting. Thanks, everyone, for your feedback.
Last edited by CestMoi; February 9,2012 at 3:08pm.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #89  February 9,2012, 9:05am
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CestMoi, your avatar is a phallic symbol. Have you ever discussed that with your therapist?
 
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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #90  February 9,2012, 9:18am
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harnomygirl wrote :
CestMoi, your avatar is a phallic symbol. Have you ever discussed that with your therapist?
It has the meaning you assign to it. Feeling frisky?
 
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