eH88 is offline eH88 Post #1  January 30,2012, 2:45pm
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I've been dating my bf for a year and I have told him I loved him not too long ago but accepted he wouldn't say it back. He's been through a lot of heartache in his past and moves quite slowly. Once in awhile I'll bring up our relationship and tell him that it hurts sometimes to know he doesn't love me back and has no long-term commitment to me. He said that he doesn't like that I pressure him and that even I have told him in the past that love takes time to grow, which I did say but I told him I've been growing resentment for a year and as much as I would like this to work, I feel like that something is missing. Otherwise he shows lots of affection, makes time for me, and I am happy to have him in my life. He said that everytime he tries to open up and get closer to me that I push away. I told him that I resent him and can't force him to feel a certain way about me and it hurts. I've tried to break up with him a couple times which is not healthy, but sometimes I don't just don't know what to do but tell myself that I shouldn't put myself through this. I said a relationship shouldn't be so difficult, he said it wasn't complicated and that he cares for me but has no attachment to anyone (he was with his ex for 9 years before but cheated on him).

I don't want to pressure him, but it becomes hard to stay in a relationship when one person is holding back. He gives as much as he can give, which is a lot, but that "love" thats missing from his end saddens me. I feel like this is a vicious cycle, I resent him, therefore I may do or say things to push him away, which in turn makes it harder for him to get close to me, then I resent him more. I like that we're very open and honest with each other, but I don't know how much longer I can keep telling myself that one day that love will ignite. He said that he's getting there but it's hard when I "pressure" him. So what do I do? Just not bring it up and hope for the best and in the meantime have fun with him? I don't want to lose him, he's my best friend as well and he's somebody I consider lucky to have met in my lifetime as he has taught me a lot of things, but I want that love/passion/commitment (not marriage) just something more than what it is now. We do grow everyday but sometimes I can't help myself but bring it up to him only to disappointment self again when I hear the same thing.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  January 30,2012, 3:27pm
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Well.....how about you do back off the subject for awhile. I mean when you are angry and resentful and you are telling him how you are hurt that he doesn't do what you want on the timeline that you want, it could be coming across as emotional blackmail and most people will have a negative knee jerk reaction to that.

On the other hand, you might be learning exactly why his ex ended up cheating on him. Being in a relationship while feeling utterly alone is not much fun. Not condoning what his ex did, just throwing out a possibility that he may have had a hand in it and is not just a total victim.
 
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eH88 is offline eH88 Post #3  January 30,2012, 3:36pm
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Yes, he knows he was not a victim but was truly hurt that she took that trust away from him. They were actually engaged but she cheated on him and he cut her from his life. He said he doesn't throw the word 'love' around and so I'm thinking maybe for him admitting he's in love would mean a lifetime commitment and right now isn't in that position to be able to give that, at least right now. He did say he sees a true partnership in me, and is definitely on the 'taking it slow' side or more on that extreme. You're right about backing off, I do that for a month or so then it just comes out because I can get emotional holding it in. I don't want to ruin or pressure him either.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #4  January 30,2012, 4:23pm
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This... does not sound like a good situation.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  January 30,2012, 4:23pm
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eH88 wrote :
Yes, he knows he was not a victim but was truly hurt that she took that trust away from him. They were actually engaged but she cheated on him and he cut her from his life. He said he doesn't throw the word 'love' around and so I'm thinking maybe for him admitting he's in love would mean a lifetime commitment and right now isn't in that position to be able to give that, at least right now. He did say he sees a true partnership in me, and is definitely on the 'taking it slow' side or more on that extreme. You're right about backing off, I do that for a month or so then it just comes out because I can get emotional holding it in. I don't want to ruin or pressure him either.
Well is there a better way you can find to handle your emotions other than stewing on them and then exploding like a volcano?

From what you are saying, it sounds like you don't really back off but rather keep spinning this in your head until you can't hold it in and erupt. Back off means that you back off for yourself as well. Stop dwelling on it, stop thinking about it for a bit. Do whatever it takes to distract yourself. Take the pressure off yourself that if you don't hear him say it right now, somehow your world will end. I promise you that it won't. Before you can give him a break on the subject, you have to find a way to give yourself a break as well.

If I were in your shoes, I'd stop dwelling on this and give myself a deadline. For instance, given the circumstances I will invest another 6 months into this relationship. If things do not move forward by then, I will check out of this. I would also communicate that to him clearly one time, not as an ultimatum, but as this is where I am at, this is what I'm willing to do and he can conduct himself however he wishes given this information. I would then chill out and let things roll however they will. If things are the same when the deadline arrives, I would keep my word to myself and walk. There is no point in investing and investing in someone who won't return it.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #6  January 30,2012, 5:26pm
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He's happy to be sleeping with you and obviously doesn't have a lot of other options given his "don't pressure me" stance. His saying his ex cheating on him and now he's got no attachment to anyone because of it is baloney, it's his put you off until there's something else he can think of when it wears thin excuse. Which, actually, it sounds like he's developing already with the "pressuring" him to commit stuff. Get out now, you'll get nowhere with this guy.

ETA: When you aren't getting something out of a relationship that you want and need, you have to do something to get it. Just waiting around doing nothing except sort of complaining to your boyfriend when you get pent up about your situation (or lack thereof) won't make that happen.

Sorry, just how I read it based on what you've written. If you really want to try with him, do as DancingFool suggests and set a specific timeline for a relationship result, and if there is no change ... call it quits.
Last edited by insertscreenname; January 30,2012 at 5:33pm.
 
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eH88 is offline eH88 Post #7  January 30,2012, 5:51pm
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Thanks for the replies so far. I do agree that when you're not getting what you want or need it's time to step back and really consider if it is worth it. I do want to do the timeline thing where I give it 6 months and if there is no progression then I should really end it. He called me about half an hour ago saying he was thinking of coming over tonight, and for some reason even though he sounded normal, I got this feeling he was going to come over and break up with me, how crazy, I feel like I'm just being insecure because I over-analyze. He doesn't usually call me on his breaks at work and we'll usually e-mail back and forth to each other while we're at work but didn't hear from him today, so now I feel paranoid. When he calls me from home, I'm going to ask him if he plans on sleeping over and if he says yes then we're fine. I hate how I get like this, of course I come off more confident than I really am and if he knew half the paranoia/insecurity I had id be mortified, it's something I work on with myself. I feel like as much as I'm getting mentally stronger, I feel emotionally crazy from all this lol
 
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Reverse_Dragon is offline Reverse_Dragon Post #8  January 30,2012, 6:37pm
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I'm of two minds about this.

The 'me' that had a fiance cheat on him totally understands where this guy might be coming from. This 'me' thinks you should judge this guy by his actions and not his words. It can be difficult to open up after a trauma and lay your feelings on the line with a commitment. If he acts like he loves you, then he loves you... even if he's not ready to say it yet.

The 'me' that likes to look problems in the eye and dare them to try and feed me bull thinks this guy is using you, and may never be able, or willing, to reciprocate your feelings. That 'me' says to do what previous responders have advised... set a deadline and stick to it. You know where you want to go, if he doesn't want to go there with you than you should find someone who does.
 
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eH88 is offline eH88 Post #9  January 30,2012, 6:49pm
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Reverse_dragon, both are very good points that have crossed my mind. He has told me once that I should look at his actions, and since then always tried to look at his actions more than a lack of words, but at the same time what if im just not THAT girl hes going to end up with until he moves on to the next and is able to give her 100%. The fact that he does make time for me, does try to open up with me, told me things only a couple people in his life know about his past, I feel honored to be someone special for him, but I wish he could grow stronger with me and let himself more vulnerable as I am to him. Only time will tell I suppose, but I also want to be fine. Fine in that if this does not work out in the future, and I want to know I'll be okay even though the thought of it kills me.
 
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Thess888 is offline Thess888 Post #10  January 30,2012, 7:49pm
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insertscreenname wrote :
He's happy to be sleeping with you and obviously doesn't have a lot of other options given his "don't pressure me" stance. His saying his ex cheating on him and now he's got no attachment to anyone because of it is baloney, it's his put you off until there's something else he can think of when it wears thin excuse. Which, actually, it sounds like he's developing already with the "pressuring" him to commit stuff. Get out now, you'll get nowhere with this guy.

ETA: When you aren't getting something out of a relationship that you want and need, you have to do something to get it. Just waiting around doing nothing except sort of complaining to your boyfriend when you get pent up about your situation (or lack thereof) won't make that happen.

Sorry, just how I read it based on what you've written. If you really want to try with him, do as DancingFool suggests and set a specific timeline for a relationship result, and if there is no change ... call it quits.

I have to agree. It will be painful, but you'll get over it. If he really loves you, he will come back and fight for you.
 
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