Thess888 is offline Thess888 Post #1  January 30,2012, 1:39am
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I met my bf on a different dating site October 2010. He is 47, never been married no kids and I'm 35 with 3 kids. We live 2.5 hours away from each other. He has his own law practice and I work in Manhattan. Needless to say, we are both living an extremely busy life. When we were just dating, we would see each other every other month if we are lucky, every month. Last July 7, 2011 we exchanged I love you's and he said we are together. He has been to my house a few times only. I prefer to go to his place because of my kids. He stayed with us for thanksgiving but didn't show up for Christmas. New Years eve I was with him, but stayed with my family without him. I know he has issues when it comes to holidays.

His birthday just passed, I wasn't able to see him because he was extremely busy. Last weekend when I went to his place, I saw there were balloons and a note written in the bathroom with happy birthday. Before I could even ask about it, he got really mad. And insisted that he have friends who came over and wanted him to feel better. He didn't open the present yet because he said he has no time. He stressed that if he is not sleeping with anyone but he admits that he has friends who still reaches out to him everyonce in a while.

If I am to base things with everything that we talk about, I believe that he really loves me. However, he is having some hard time coping with his own issues.

If I am to judge based on the circumstances around it, I would say that he is cheating on me. This wasn't the first time that I fund out that there was someone else in his apartment. But this one, was the first time he got really mad.

Is it possible for a guy, to have different categories of relationships with girls? If he has an emotional relationship with anyone, he would cover his tracks, right? But he doesn't. So I'm really confused. Why would he let me see all these things? When I ask him for explanation, I am convinced that he is telling me the truth.

We are planning a trip for valentine. He wants me to schedule a time when he can invite my kids over to see his place. We talk about life, our plans, kids, marriage, issues almost everything and anything. But my intuition is telling me he is living a double life. I feel like he is exclusive with me on an emotional basis but he why does he still have all these "friends"?

I know that I'm in love with him. I can see myself being with him for the rest of my life. He also told me that he can see myself having a famiy with me, learning new things with me and that he is making changes in his practice in order for him to have more free time and that he is frustrated that time is just passing in front him and he can't even do anything. But where we are right now in our relationship, I'm really confused. I know he has issues. I advised him to seek counseling. I'm want to help him but he is really having award time opening up.

Please help. I don't think I covered enough about us. But is just don't want to go into other details any more.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #2  January 30,2012, 9:14am
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It at least sounds like there is a breakdown of trust in this relationship and communication problems. Plus he got angry with you.

Plus he was too busy to open the present you sent him!

Plus you couldn't see him on Christmas day or his birthday!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  January 30,2012, 9:50am
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Yes it is possible, always has been always will be.. and given this description of a neither here nor there "relationship" very probable.

Your lives after this much time have very little integration or togetherness....Unless he is a hermit...he has a life outside of the very little you two share....Good Luck...
Thess888 wrote :
I met my bf on a different dating site October 2010. He is 47, never been married no kids and I'm 35 with 3 kids. We live 2.5 hours away from each other.
Is it possible for a guy, to have different categories of relationships with girls?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  January 30,2012, 9:52am
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A good preemptive strike is often the best defense. So him getting angry indicates a guilty conscience and a poor attempt to distract you by jumping on you first. However, what nobody knows is what exactly he is worried about - actual cheating or just the way things look or something else entirely.

As for so busy that you can only see each other once a month.... don't really spend holidays together, he has issues you think he needs therapy with.... To all that I can only say one thing - no matter how busy someone is, they will always make time for people and things that matter to them. Think about it this way, he has time for his "friends" but not for you? At this point in your relationship, you should be a part of the friend time and the group more often than not. Busy is just a very rational sounding excuse to keep someone at bay that nobody can ever really argue with that really doesn't hold water.

At some point you have to ask yourself a simple question - do you like him and what is happening right now or are you more in love with what could be if only he'd blah blah blah.... If it's the latter, give yourself a deadline for how long are you willing to wait for the blah blah blah to happen before you walk away and stick to that deadline.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  January 30,2012, 9:58am
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And how frequently you are seeing him now that you are not dating anymore but supposedly you are in a relationship ?

Something tells me that you "think" you are in a relationship, and he doesn't "think" so. In 1.5 year mark, my partner would be fully tangled in my life, and me in hers.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #6  January 30,2012, 12:14pm
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I don't think if you're seeing him once a month, you can take this seriously as a 'relationship' and I personally wouldn't think of it as anything other than 'casual'.

The only glimmer of hope I can see is that he is saying he is trying to change things at work so he has more time for you.

I'm sorry to say it, but I think as he lives so far away, it would be easy for him to have other relationships that go undetected. Long distance relationships are good for casual relationships and cheaters.

As it's long distance, hardly any 'dates' and all the other negatives, I'd evaluate this as one to give up on. You're massively more emotionally and time invested than he wants to be.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #7  January 30,2012, 12:24pm
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I'm curious to know why he "couldn't make it" to spend Christmas with you? You say he didn't show up....was he supposed to and didn't call to let you know?

I agree with others....spending so little time together with only being 2.5 hours apart after a year and a half does not bode well at all for you.

And I absolutely agree that his getting angry about you mentioning the balloons and note...(Unless you are leaving out some things on what you said and how you said it to him)....

My gut reaction to all of the information you have given is that he is sleeping with another woman....I truly hope that you have been having safe sex.

It sounds like he tells you what you want to hear to keep you hanging on....After a year and a half you all seem to barely be invested in each other's lives.

If this were me...I would be moving on...
 
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smedley is offline smedley Post #8  January 30,2012, 1:00pm
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
I don't think if you're seeing him once a month, you can take this seriously as a 'relationship' and I personally wouldn't think of it as anything other than 'casual'.

The only glimmer of hope I can see is that he is saying he is trying to change things at work so he has more time for you.

I'm sorry to say it, but I think as he lives so far away, it would be easy for him to have other relationships that go undetected. Long distance relationships are good for casual relationships and cheaters.

As it's long distance, hardly any 'dates' and all the other negatives, I'd evaluate this as one to give up on. You're massively more emotionally and time invested than he wants to be.
^a big Amen to this^ But here's hoping that we're wrong considering how much you seem to like this guy...it's hard enough to find someone to love, but when it's so far away, making it work is that much harder. Good luck!
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  January 30,2012, 1:52pm
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speaking from my experiences. those times when I thought I was in a relationship but only saw the women 1 or 2 times a month - a)looking back I feel a bit of an idiot b)they were stringing me along and c)they were seeing other people.
 
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Thess888 is offline Thess888 Post #10  January 30,2012, 5:09pm
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
It at least sounds like there is a breakdown of trust in this relationship and communication problems. Plus he got angry with you.

Plus he was too busy to open the present you sent him!

Plus you couldn't see him on Christmas day or his birthday!
Ouch!
 
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