Boyfriend of 2 years is suddenly distant-please help!


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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #21  January 28,2012, 6:58am
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You need to have a serious talk on where you are with each other and where you see this relationship going. My guess is, if you do not, you two will be most probably done pretty soon.

As much as neither one of you is great with that kind of talk, it has to be done. Or, if you prefer you can try practice this talk in your next relationship. Those feelings you had for the last month are a big red flag. You just chose not to act on them and things started to get worse. It is time start pouring in some energy and dedication into keeping this relationship going.

I keep repeating to myself, friendships, relationships all need constant attention and nurturing. Left to themselves, they inevitably dwindle and die ....
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #22  January 28,2012, 9:35am
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Most likely ...he will bring it up, and most likely it has nothing to do with you or the relationship. I would not recommend coming off so needy about amount of contact, rather approach it for what it is....such as..."sounds like you had a hectic week"...then let him breathe and discuss what's going on for him ....Good Luck...
annika-lee wrote :
I will see him on Sunday and discuss this with him
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #23  January 28,2012, 9:38am
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I hope WS2 is right, We will agree to disagree on this with him I guess. You gotta play it by the ear and keep your sensors fully functioning nevertheless.

And, yes, Good luck !


Wiseman2 wrote :
Most likely ...he will bring it up, and most likely it has nothing to do with you or the relationship. I would not recommend coming off so needy about amount of contact, rather approach it for what it is....such as..."sounds like you had a hectic week"...then let him breathe and discuss what's going on for him ....Good Luck...
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #24  January 28,2012, 9:56am
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This sounds like a fairly casual relationship. You touch bases once in a while and go out once a week. Your kids and jobs are the main factors in your lives and your posts don't indicate much overlapping or interaction. Neither of you seems to want that.

If you did decide to show anger about his lack of communication he might be surprised. Please let us know.
 
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annika-lee is offline annika-lee Post #25  January 28,2012, 10:10am
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Thanks for all the great advice- lots to think about. Thanks especially to Goomph- who helped calm me down last night.

Harmonygirl- I am not sure I would call it a casual relationship. We spend lots of time with each others children, extended family, co-workers, friends. He is a lawyer and works insane hours. Our kids and jobs do take up a large amount of our time, but we do enjoy our time together. I suppose our relationship hasn't progressed as some believe it should because we want to do what is the very best for our kids. Our exs moved in with others and this caused much discord with our respective children. We have friends that married and their kids had to leave their towns & schools and were miserable and very angry. We want to raise our children and do what is best for them. Living together and moving things in that direction can wait until our kids are out of the home.

We usually communicate a few times during the week and spend every weekend together. We always spend holidays and vacations together (with our kids/families & some times just us). I don't think I would call it casual, just what happens when two lawyers with kids at home are in a relationship.

I will take wiseman's advice and start our talk tomorrow with a "sounds like a crazy week for you..." and see what develops. I do think as goomph has suggested perhaps it is time for a "is everything ok" and "are we on the same page" kind of relationship talk.

Thanks again to all of you- you are lifesavers. I will post back tomorrow after I see him with an update.
Last edited by annika-lee; January 31,2012 at 6:05am.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #26  January 28,2012, 1:25pm
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annika-lee wrote :
He just texted (it's late here and he thought I would be sleeping). Text was completely normal. Mentioned some stuff that happened at work, but did not note anything that would have prevented him from contacting me all week long. I guess I am wondering we he didn't communicate all week, why wasn't he worried that he hadn't heard from me. I am confused now. Mentioned that he has something to do with his kids tomorrow but would like to see me on Sunday.

LBJ- we have talked about the future of our relationship. We both survived horrible marriages and horrible divorces and neither of us wants to marry again. We occasionally talk about moving in together when our kids are grown (we both have full custody of teen age kids). Neither of us are all that great at having "serious relationship' talks. But as you mentioned, the lines of communication are foggy at times, so perhaps a hard talk is necessary. Yes, it's been two years but I am not always great at having those kind of conversations.

Thanks for all the wonderful responses. Means so much to me that everyone is taking the time to help me and offer advice.

This part is baffling to me for a two year relationship. After that much time, you should know what's going on with him, you should at least be able to make a good guess as to what has caused the slow down in communication. There is far tooo big a disconnect here for a functional, long term, emotionally intimate relationship to thrive. You should not be left alone, wondering, worried, anxious, confused, you should be in sync by now with one another, sharing any concerns that threaten the relationship. Pick up the phone and say "hey, I really miss you."
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #27  January 28,2012, 2:00pm
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LDJ wrote :
This part is baffling to me for a two year relationship. After that much time, you should know what's going on with him, you should at least be able to make a good guess as to what has caused the slow down in communication. There is far tooo big a disconnect here for a functional, long term, emotionally intimate relationship to thrive. You should not be left alone, wondering, worried, anxious, confused, you should be in sync by now with one another, sharing any concerns that threaten the relationship. Pick up the phone and say "hey, I really miss you."
I think it's part of being mature and professional. That seems to mean that you are fine with relationships that take longer to progress to emotional intimacy. Since they still do eventually, it's okay.

Having teenagers at home is difficult too. Younger children seem to be more willing to accept that their lives have to change when yours does.

Teenagers will punish you.
 
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annika-lee is offline annika-lee Post #28  January 28,2012, 2:08pm
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LDJ- Thanks for your response. Going this long without contact has only occurred this month. We have never had daily contact but we have communicated in some fashion (call, text, email) every other day or so. He always gets back to me immediately when I contact him. We are spending the day together tomorrow. I want to ask why the contact this month has decreased. I know he is under some work-related pressures this month and he mentioned some in his text last night. We have been texting all day and all seems normal. I don't want to appear clingy, needy, overly sensitive , so I am trying to find a way to let him know that less contact this month is causing me to feel confused and anxious. Our relationship has been wonderful so we haven't needed these talks before. Would it be all right just to ask, "hey I noticed less contact this month, is everything ok?"

harmony girl: thanks! Yes, teenagers are tough and his especially are going through a lot with his ex. Perhaps emtionally intimacy in our relationship isn't fully developed yet, but perhaps, like you said, it could do so with time.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #29  January 28,2012, 3:32pm
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If everything is going ok with no problems, maybe it is time to start talking about a "move in" or "combining houses" or something, to up the ante a notch in the relationship ? Two years and I would probably know if I want to see a ring on my partner's hand or not. ( Not that it is a must, do not personally believe in marriage) I know in two years, I would want to start sharing a hosue with the woman I love ....

Yes I am bad, My friends always keep telling me that

I hope everything works out well tomorrow. Something to the tune of, I missed touching base with you *might* work, or backfire. I would tread very carefully. You don't want to hear, if you missed it so much how come you did not contact me. I am sure you will feel your way around the issue tomorrow.

It is hopefully and probably all work related, and it might end up with you deciding that when he is overwhelmed, you need end to pick up the slack and contact him. You were just not used to it, and maybe you got caught unprepared.

I hope you will have tons of fun and let us know ... Best of luck !
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #30  January 29,2012, 1:11am
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1) Everything is probably OK...just as he explained and you allude to..... things are hectic with work, both of your kids,divorces, etc.
2) This sounds like a mother nagging her teenager...not an understanding partner opening a neutral discussion about a busy or hectic week.

If you want to shut him down with an answer such as "everything's fine"....then yes, nag him about not calling you enough, you miss him , is everything OK with us? etc.

You've known him and his situation and his work, etc for two years..... he gets busy with all that and it's relationship panic time?

When you speak in person you will get a sense of how his month /week is going.....unless you pounce on him for not calling /texting enough...Good Luck..
annika-lee wrote :
1)We have been texting all day and all seems normal.
2)Would it be all right just to ask, "hey I noticed less contact this month, is everything ok?"
Last edited by Wiseman2; January 29,2012 at 1:22am.
 
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