Boyfriend of 2 years is suddenly distant-please help!


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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #101  February 6,2012, 7:24am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
no... he absolutely does not have to "confide " in her....if he is not comfortable doing so....
That ^^ is true. I would have expected that after two years he would be comfortable doing so. That doesn't appear to be the case here and the OP isn't happy about it. I wouldn't be happy either.

Edit: I'm an introvert and wouldn't trust my skills enough to tell a boyfriend to talk to me. If he didn't do it on his own, I would probably let the distance increase and allow him drift out of my life. The OP is a lawyer so she might be able to handle this situation more successfully.
Last edited by harnomygirl; February 6,2012 at 7:44am.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #102  February 6,2012, 7:48am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Why he is distancing himself ...you may never know. Haven't you called him? What game is that?

You really need to call him and talk to him !
He has appropriate boundaries and... no... he absolutely does not have to "confide " in her....if he is not comfortable doing so....that is idealistic nonsense.

That is not having appropriate boundaries, that is called keeping your partner out of your life. And is a big indicator that he really either doesn't trust his partner, nor he wants/needs her emotional suppport. A big RED flag as far as I am concerned

Some people are not good listeners or continually offer unwanted "help" and "advice".....and want to be "understanding" and that's what's mostly likely happening.
The insunation being that Annika-lee is being a nusiance by offering to be there for her partner, and expects to be informed of why he won't engage her week after week ?


I see that Wiseman2 seems to be of the opinon that OP should basically let things be, and wait for him to come back to her if and when chooses to. Am I reding this correct ? So all she has to do is, chill and wait. That is NOT a relationship I would LOVE to be in. The moment one partner cuts the other one out of his/her life, that is a problem.

Though I should add that, she should try to communicate more frequently, and not spend the whole weekend suffering and yet still not calling him. I would have been on the phone, before the same story repeated the sceond time.

They are probably not invested in each other at an equal level
Last edited by Goomph; February 6,2012 at 7:50am.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #103  February 6,2012, 8:12am
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The OP is not calling him, texting him, emailing him or visiting him...for the past weeks...So communication breakdown both ways...unfortunately. he had confided in her that things were stressful.....then she went silent on him
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #104  February 6,2012, 8:32am
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I agree with the part where OP is not doing all she needs to do keep the lines of communication open. She said she texted him and stuff, but obviously that wasn't enough.

When I was learning to fly, I learned a valuable lesson from my flight instructor when I asked him how to achieve certain things when it came to changing the attitude of the plane drastically for weird menouvers. His answer was always, "whatever it takes".


He basically told her that he has issues, and shut her out. WHich is also not good.

The relationship was maybe not as deep rooted as OP hoped/wished. OP really needs to establish communication and keep them intact. My guess is there is more to this then just the jailed ex, and children.

Sometimes, we need to look at the big picture OP ... and steer accordingly.

Wiseman2 wrote :
The OP is not calling him, texting him, emailing him or visiting him...for the past weeks...So communication breakdown both ways...unfortunately. he had confided in her that things were stressful.....then she went silent on him
 
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annika-lee is offline annika-lee Post #105  February 7,2012, 4:38am
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Thanks so very much. We had a very long talk last night and we both agree that we definitely need to work on communicating more effectively. We have plans to spend the weekend together and hopefully reconnect.

It amazes me that strangers on the internet could be so kind, encouraging, and helpful. You have all given me so much to ponder-thanks!
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #106  February 7,2012, 4:43am
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You two sure have a disconnect, and you personally need to take the reigns in your own hands when communication starts to deteriorate and not wait a week before acting on it.

Hopefully you will be able to put this behind you and continue to have a good relationship. We look forward to hearing the "ring" story if it happens

I wish you good luck ...


P.S. Hey, we live on the internet, but, we are humans too Well, most are I guess You never know if skynet has infiltrated us yet


annika-lee wrote :
Thanks so very much. We had a very long talk last night and we both agree that we definitely need to work on communicating more effectively. We have plans to spend the weekend together and hopefully reconnect.

It amazes me that strangers on the internet could be so kind, encouraging, and helpful. You have all given me so much to ponder-thanks!
 
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Expert witness is offline Expert witness Post #107  February 7,2012, 5:31pm
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I usually don't reply to these advice columns but I read your plea for help and since I've experienced it...I thought I could help.

My "distant" situation happened about 3 years ago and we were together for about 3 years. I got this "gut" feeling that something was wrong. I was very reluctant to tackle it head on because I was afraid I might lose him (I know, dumb right?) You know, give him space (not!)
Anyway, like you, my emotions, my thoughts and what ifs, were in overload. Being tortured by his selfishness, began to take it's toll. With each passing day it hurt more and more. So, here's my advice to you.
Pay attention to what he's telling you. Is it an excuse? More than likely it is. But sometimes not. When a guy wants to be with you then he's with you. He's the one who's consistently calling you. He's the one checking in on you to make sure you're okay.
Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. If he doesn't reciprocate then let him go. He doesn't want long term with you. You've heard of that old expression, "S... or get off the pot". Well 2 years is about that time. That's probably on his mind and he doesn't know for sure if you are his "long term".
If I could change one thing about how I handled that relationship, I would not have spent so much time building up strong emotions and investing in someone that I knew deep down did not have the same feelings for me.
 
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brokensmile76 is offline brokensmile76 Post #108  February 8,2012, 8:57am
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Expert witness wrote :
I usually don't reply to these advice columns but I read your plea for help and since I've experienced it...I thought I could help.

My "distant" situation happened about 3 years ago and we were together for about 3 years. I got this "gut" feeling that something was wrong. I was very reluctant to tackle it head on because I was afraid I might lose him (I know, dumb right?) You know, give him space (not!)
Anyway, like you, my emotions, my thoughts and what ifs, were in overload. Being tortured by his selfishness, began to take it's toll. With each passing day it hurt more and more. So, here's my advice to you.
Pay attention to what he's telling you. Is it an excuse? More than likely it is. But sometimes not. When a guy wants to be with you then he's with you. He's the one who's consistently calling you. He's the one checking in on you to make sure you're okay.
Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. If he doesn't reciprocate then let him go. He doesn't want long term with you. You've heard of that old expression, "S... or get off the pot". Well 2 years is about that time. That's probably on his mind and he doesn't know for sure if you are his "long term".
If I could change one thing about how I handled that relationship, I would not have spent so much time building up strong emotions and investing in someone that I knew deep down did not have the same feelings for me.
Totally agree with this entire post but specifically what is bolded.
 
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