Smathmo is offline Smathmo Post #1  January 25,2012, 8:41am
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Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster.

I've been dating a guy for four months and everything so far is amazing - we're very compatible in all aspects except for one. I'm a vegan, and he's a meateater.

I brought up fairly early on that if we were to live together/marry that he would have to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle (not vegan - I know how hard it is and so I would be happy with just vegetarian). To me, it is just as important as religion - especially as I could never cope with meat in the house and it bothers me to see people eat it (though I put up with it because I live in the real world). He said he wasn't sure and would have to think about it, which was fair enough as we hadn't been dating that long at that point, and it seemed like something he'd consider.

Since then, it's been mentioned once or twice and he's seemed non-committal, the most recent time being just a few weeks ago. Since then, I've found out that he's told a mutual friend flat out that he wouldn't go vegetarian and that he's 'told me this'. Apparently he said he was avoiding the topic because he hoped it would become less important over time.

Now I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've never felt so connected and as if a relationship is going to last before (I've been engaged before and even then it didn't feel this right). Sometimes I feel like if we live together, and I'm cooking all the time, that it will sort itself out and he will just become veggie gradually - he's certainly eating more veggie since we got together, even when I'm not around. But on the other hand, I'm not sure I could live with this, knowing that he's ok with all the terrible consequences of meat-eating: the animal cruelty, the environmental impacts etc and whether I'm just being optimistic because I really don't want to lose him. It's also a matter of being on my side - I get *a lot* of derogatory comments/attitude because I'm a vegan and it makes me feel like he's on their side when he eats meat.

It seems like this horrible choice between being happy with the man I love and living a life that I can feel ethically comfortable with. Have any of you had to face this choice? And if so, what did you do?

I don't want this to turn into a 'whether veggie is right or not' thread. I just want some advice on this kind of conundrum. Am I being unreasonable? He knew the price of admission straight up.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  January 25,2012, 9:04am
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Ah yes. The old 'change-the-guy-to-what-I-want' scenario. This never works. If it's such an issue for you it's best you find another vegan who's more compatible. Good luck.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #3  January 25,2012, 9:05am
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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Welcome to posting!

Yes; you are being unreasonable (he knew the "price of admission," but you also knew that he was an omnivore).

You can't force someone to become vegetarian, just because your views lead you to adopt that lifestyle. If this is truly a fundamental values conflict for the two of you, then you are not ultimately as compatible as you seem to feel. If, though, your apparent deep compatibility leads you to understand that other concerns are more important for relationship success, then it's worth making some compromises and seeing if the relationship will work. However, it is not fair of you to expect him to do all of the compromising on the food front.

If you haven't seen this recent thread, I suggest you look through the responses since some may be applicable to your situation as well: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...lifestyle.html (When to mention vegan diet/lifestyle)
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  January 25,2012, 9:09am
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Not really a conundrum. You are both fooling yourselves equally. He is hoping you'll change and you are hoping he'll change. The reality is that neither one of you will change and if you try, all you'll end up doing is resenting each other in the long run. It sounds to me like neither one of you was ever willing to be crystal clear on where you stand on this issue until attachment occurred, when you should have been crystal clear up front, immediately, before you even met. At this point you are just wasting time.
 
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Smathmo is offline Smathmo Post #5  January 25,2012, 9:17am
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Not sure if last reply went through...

My brother (a veggie) married a meateater and she converted for him, so I've seen it happen. Being veggie was a pre-condition of marriage for him, and it took her a few years before she became fully veggie, but it happened and it's worked out great for them.
 
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jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #6  January 25,2012, 9:55am
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I would have ended things the instant you told me how I'd have to eat should I marry you, and let you know that I find veganism to be the most ill conceived, unnatural and obnoxious diet ever. I'd let you know that you should enjoy all the yummy supplement you have to take as a result of your nutritionally defunct lifestyle. Of course I'd offer reconciliation as long as you agreed to change your diet to a more natural one and guarantee that if we ever had children that you would not abuse them by forcing this insane lifestyle on them.
 
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Smathmo is offline Smathmo Post #7  January 25,2012, 10:03am
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@nearDC: Thanks for the link - will check it out.

@Dancing Fool: I didn't meet him online, met at a party thrown by a mutual friend - so no way of discussing it 'before we met'. I brought it up on the first couple of dates and he seemed open, but cautious about it. I guess I'm really quite angry that he didn't actually TELL ME that it was off the table and has instead been avoiding the topic, while telling others a different story.

@jimmyn452: Thanks for that completely irrelevant and somewhat offensive answer.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  January 25,2012, 10:13am
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So basically you want people to respect your choices while you have zero respect or tolerance for theirs. You demand that he not only respect your diet but convert to your ways. Yet, you refuse to respect his diet. That attitude is mind boggling to me. Good luck with that.

The bottom line is that you are both lying to each other and you both lack respect for each other. You are not as compatible as you think.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  January 25,2012, 10:14am
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This is how he feels ..
Smathmo wrote :
It seems like this horrible choice between being happy with the man I love and living a life that I can feel ethically comfortable with.
Cut your losses after four months...you will not change him...nor does he want you to be cahnged. He may hope you will get over this trend just as you hope to convert him. This not a good begining with this much incompatibility. Date only other vegetarians / vegans...Good Luck...
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  January 25,2012, 10:27am
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Absolutely agree with Tweet, NearDC, and DancingFool....

OP, you really should read the thread that NearDC suggested so that you can see just how much of a lightening rod issue this is between most people.

Telling another adult whom you would be married to, that he MUST do as you say in his own home that he helps pay for, as well as how he has to behave in his life is unacceptable.

It really is best to find another vegan/vegetarian to date so that you accept him for who he is and not force him to change.

The situation with your sister-in-law is an anomaly.
 
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