soulsista is offline soulsista Post #21  January 25,2012, 5:28pm
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Ingytravel wrote :
So wait...let me get this straight...you all have been dating for a year and BOTH of you are STILL married!!!...

You keep saying 'his divorce'...but he is married..you are married....until those go through...that is a fact not an opinion...

This is a total mess and a disaster of a relationship from the start...

You absolutely knew that he had filed for bankruptcy and has been short on money from the moment you met...So why in the world would you expect him to be able to pay for these dinners and all the things that you expect a man to pay for???

As well as no one is going to give up smoking for someone else. Especially in their 50's...If they don't want to do this...they won't..plain and simple...

It seems like you both rushed into having affairs (again...you are both married) and all you want to do is take this man and mold him into someone he is clearly not.

He is a married, smoker, who doesn't have any money. It's financially irresponsible of you to pressure him to go out all the time and pay for things that he obviously can't afford. You should be encouraging him to NOT spend a single dime on anything and building his finances back up again. No cable tv, no computer, no dinners out, no vacations, nothing...

Also, if he needed to borrow money from you...where do you think he will get this extra money to pay you back?

You do realize that a bankruptcy lasts for 7 years one one's credit report so they cannot buy a car, house, get a credit report and have trouble even opening a bank account. It's going to take a lot of hard work and brown bagging it for years to get back on his feet again.

Just curious, does he have a legal job where he pays taxes and is not accepting anything ''under the table"?

As I mentioned, this whole situation between you two is a mess from the start and you are being blind to who this man really is and expecting him to be something he is not.
hi,

we are separated. been separated for 2 years.

divorce is final this week.
 
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soulsista is offline soulsista Post #22  January 25,2012, 5:30pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
He is not chronically cheap or broke he is a gigolo who lives off women. Of course he is charming, and it's just this one crisis or that one...and of course he'll quit smoking, get divorced, get a job, pay you back,etc.....

Read up on love fraud..it can happen to anyone with a decent home, job or credit. Often these guys have one women supporting them while they use their (your) money to court and set up the next (or concurrent) women.

Cut your losses ....these things can go on for years....they do not get better on empty promises.....the "rest of the relationship is good" because parasites are happy to bleed you and alternate charm with poor me...Good Luck
OMW spot on!!!

he is ultra charming!!!

getting worried
 
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soulsista is offline soulsista Post #23  January 25,2012, 5:34pm
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DancingFool wrote :
At a wild guess he is good in bed and knows very well how to flatter her damaged ego and pour on the compliments and fake sugar. Enough to ignore blatant deal breakers.
eeeeekk! yes he is the good in bed!!
 
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soulsista is offline soulsista Post #24  January 25,2012, 5:37pm
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whomever asked, we go out for dinner twice a month. and i always make sure its to ultra cheap restaurants bcoz of his financial situtation.
I think i'm too soft inside. I did like him, and wanted to give him a break.
the thing was all his friends had such flattering things to say about him, and how awful his ex wife was to him and tried to ruin him.

boy am i learning about dating, and men. this is hard !!
 
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soulsista is offline soulsista Post #25  January 25,2012, 5:39pm
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LongLocks wrote :
All good deal breakers, but to be totally honest, I wouldn't have any dates at all if I avoided the above. Maybe it's the area I live in; I don't know. I just want a guy who treats me nice and remains faithful.
I empathize.

I lived in a very isolated place too. not that easy to meet good quality men, even if you are attractive.
 
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soulsista is offline soulsista Post #26  January 25,2012, 5:40pm
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P.S. about the dinners.

he spends more on his 3 pack cigarette habit per week, than he spends on me in a month.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #27  January 25,2012, 5:41pm
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soulsista wrote :
eeeeekk! yes he is the good in bed!!
LoL! But don't hold being good in bed against us men. Just being, y'know, bankrupt, multiple failed marriages, smoking, lying, married.
 
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soulsista is offline soulsista Post #28  January 25,2012, 5:45pm
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
LoL! But don't hold being good in bed against us men. Just being, y'know, bankrupt, multiple failed marriages, smoking, lying, married.
Haha! Shapeshifter!

here's the subtle difference between me and him. or him and I.

the seks is amazing. the best i ahve ever had in my life. but i am not controlled by how good he makes me feel in bed. Definitely not controlled by my sekshal appetite.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #29  January 25,2012, 7:21pm
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LongLocks wrote :
All good deal breakers, but to be totally honest, I wouldn't have any dates at all if I avoided the above. Maybe it's the area I live in; I don't know. I just want a guy who treats me nice and remains faithful.
Exactly why I date long distance. Limited pool in my area. 3 weeks to get a divorce if you have a good attorney (hard to meet anyone over 40 not working on their third or fourth.) Plus the bankruptcy laws favor the home owner. If I limited my dating to locals unfortunately I would really be settling.
 
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cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #30  January 25,2012, 7:36pm
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Soulsista, I really don't even know what to say. Everyone here is giving you good, if not GREAT advice and you're still defending him, what the? He's a leech! Because he gave you money for lingerie and takes you to "cheap" restaurants (considering he should be spending a cent) doesn't mean he's pulling his own weight in the relationship...

About the sex being so immense that you feel you have to stay with him, how about you pick up what he's doing that's driving you soooooo crazy and you when you have your "fun" with someone else, tell (or show) them what to do.

You said you don't want to lonely. Don't you have friends? You have a child because you stated you were a "mum" so why are you so lonely? Can't you surround yourself with people who truly care for you? People who, if you ever need it, would be able to bail you out of financial issues?

My advice, take some time for yourself. You need it! Drop this bag of dirty socks, reassess your situation, date (by no means is anyone telling you you can't have your fun AND it doesn't have to be with multiple guys), have fun! Treat yourself to the lifestyle YOU work your butt off for, not some bum that doesn't want to take care of his own.

Stop making excuses for him. Worry about yourself and you child and go have some fun. An attractive woman can get a decent man if she's ABSOLUTELY sure about what she wants in a man. Once you start picking things off that list of MUST-HAVES because of your "soft heart", you find yourself in this situation.

Listen to what everyone is saying. It's all unbiased opinions! Good luck hun!
 
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