Would language barriers concern you ?


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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  January 24,2012, 8:38am
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I have to explain what I mean .. I feel so hypociritical thinking this, but, it is what it is ....A little bit about myself first.

This is something I seem to be facing these days. As some or all of you have already figured out, English is not my native language, even though I have been using it since I have been 18, and as my primary language since I have been 22. I do dream in English, I do think in English, I do not translate thougths in my mind, jsut speak it, and I would like to think that I have a pretty good command of the English language, both writte/spoken.

Some people have difficulties understanding my accent initially, but they say it goes away pretty quickly. don't ask me why I have an accent after all these years Can't help it and it is ehre to stay obviously.

Recently I was dating a very nice person from far east, who had difficulties expressing her thoughts sometimes, and would be frusturated. Her written English was much better, so we usually emailed back and forth rather than the phone to make plans. I was aware that she was failign to understand some of my jokes, and some other stuff because they were based on the culture here or I was using some slangs without even realizing it.

This got me thinking, if we hadn't broken up, would a relationship stand a chance when there was obviously a languare barrier of some sorts ? Was I wasting my and her time ? I am particularly concerned because I have a date with another lady and she also seems to not have the same fluency I have ....

I know, being a non-native English speaker this is sort of hypocritical of me, but I have no problems understanding people or expressing my opinions/feelings etc. I am so used to hearing proper English, anything else is now a foreign accent to me .... yes including mine, I listen to myself and try to correct myself.

What is your take on this .... Would you date someone who has an accent ?

Would you date someone who has difficulties speaking the langauge or understanding what you say ?
 
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Bethiegirl is offline Bethiegirl Post #2  January 24,2012, 9:18am
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I would absolutely date someone who has an accent, especially if they are fluent in my language (English, obviously!) The longer I talk to people, the better I understand them. If they had a LOT of trouble understanding me, however, I might be more hesitant. Conversation is a big part of a relationship, and if we can't communicate verbally, I think that would hinder the relationship.

I have a friend from Italy who moved to the USA. While he was in grad school here, he met and married a girl who is from Croatia. They both speak English fluently, and still live in the USA. The funny thing is, their different accents makes it hard for them to communicate with each other in English! Fortunately, she also speaks Italian fluently. When they start to have communication issues, she switches to Italian and the problem is solved.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  January 24,2012, 9:26am
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It should make no difference if both people can make themselves understood in many ways..A great deal of the sense we get from someone is not spoken or written word... Yes, some things such as colloquial humor, cliches, idioms or slang do not translate well....but....a smile, laugh, hug, kiss,etc....need no translation...Good Luck...
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #4  January 24,2012, 10:04am
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Not in the least. I've been in this situation from both perspectives, actually. It was really interesting and challenging to be a proficient but non-fluent speaker in a couple of relationships when I lived abroad in my early 20's. Got a couple of marriage proposals out of it, too.

It definitely takes patience and effort on the part of the person who does speak fluently to communicate effectively, as well as hard work on the part of the language learner to build his or her skills as quickly and completely as possible. If the relationship is a good one, the extra effort will definitely be worthwhile.

On a side note, my maternal grandparents came from the same European country in the early part of the 20th century. They insisted on speaking English at home even though they spoke the same native language because assimilation was so important to them. They spoke with heavy accents throughout their lives, but became absolutely fluent. Sadly, none of their kids learned their parents' native language or visited their parents' home country until they were retired themselves, and that was very much a missed opportunity in my eyes.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  January 24,2012, 10:18am
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Whether I would or wouldn't really depends on one thing and one thing alone - how hard is this person working to integrate themselves into the current society. There are immigrants who are quick to catch up to speed with the culture and politics and jokes and become a fully integrated part of society. They work hard at it and so it's just a matter of time before they catch up with things. Those I would date.

Unfortunately, there are those who get stuck in a permanent time bubble. They do not integrate and they fall out of touch with their own culture because the culture of the country they left is not static. It's also moving and changing. Those people become kind of sad because their world is limited to their local immigrant community. They don't fit into the culture of the country they live in and they stop fitting into their own culture as well. Those, I would not ever consider dating. There is an aggravating closed mindedness that comes attached with that package and unless they decide to broaden their horizons themselves, nothing will change.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #6  January 24,2012, 10:25am
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It would not bother me, though you have to work a bit to get around cultural references in the language.

I dated someone a while back that has been in this country for about 9 years. I was fluent in her native language. And she is fluent in English though with a bit of an accent.

The only time we hit a bit of a snag was when we made pop culture references. She did not get my comment about being "sponge worthy", and similar references when we were also chatting in her language.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #7  January 24,2012, 2:12pm
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tangochef wrote :
It would not bother me, though you have to work a bit to get around cultural references in the language.
I was just thinking about this topic earlier today. I'm a citizen of two countries, but born and raised in the Western US. Most of the men I've dated as well as my ex-husband have been foreign nationals, primarily British or one of the former British colonies. My workplace is also structured the same way. Current BF is from the American South, and I'm often surprised by how many shared cultural reference we have, as I'm so very unused to it.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  January 24,2012, 4:49pm
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I like the advices so far.

As long as my partner can communicate facts to me, then the rest will come in time.

This is the type of problem which I'd expect to fix itself - and that is all I need to wait it out.
 
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SearchingHoping is online now SearchingHoping Post #9  January 25,2012, 4:55am
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As a Spanish speaker immigrant, when I started dating in the U.S. I thought that my partner should be Spanish proficient in order to build a solid relationship. I did date U.S. men who could speak Spanish and men who could not. I have learned that more than language proficiency, the important element is cultural competence.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  January 25,2012, 5:26am
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Good advise in general .... Thanks for the feedback. I went ahead and made plans for a dinner date already. It will take a lot of effort on my part as I suspect from her emails that she really has difficulties expressing herself, or should I say, her English is really broken, and writes things in a way which I have to try and understand what she is really trying to say. But, I like how she is coming across and the opinions and thoughts she is sharing.

There is a thread about whether it is appropriate to have a coffee date as a first meeting, or a dinner is better, and in this case I went for a dinner based on my experience with my previous date. More relaxed environment, and more time to be able to speak and hopefully get a handle on the language barrier. I have no idea how her spoken English is, and I am very afraid that it will be worse then the way she writes. I am hoping that dinner in a cozy environment will help ....
 
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