Opinions on long distance relationships


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uscftbll19 is offline uscftbll19 Post #1  January 23,2012, 7:58am
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So this is more just kind of an opinion/advice gathering topic than anything else. The backstory is that I'm currently talking to someone who currently happens to live about 3 hours away from me and, going on my instincts, she has very serious potential (don't worry I've already learned a few lessons about jumping the gun, so I'm relaxing and letting this situation take its natural course). I've done an 8 hour long distance before and it eventually crashed and burned due to distance and dependence issues. So you can see why I feel a bit hesitant about this new girl (btw she's the first serious potential I've had since I've been on eH).

So I have a few overall questions for the more experienced out there. What's the longest distance you've ever carried on one (and do you feel that the greater the distance the more strained the relationship can be?)? What have you found that worked the best to keep things going? Or if it failed, what do you feel made it come crashing down? Do you get feel that the long distance is flat out not worth it, and to just keep trying your luck locally?

I'm really just trying to gather a little perspective so that I can begin to evaluate what exactly I want i.e. limits on distance, what I consider healthy habits, how to keep things alive, etc.

Any and all help is appreciated!
 
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brokensmile76 is offline brokensmile76 Post #2  January 23,2012, 11:06am
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Hello! I am currently in a LDR. I am about 2 1/2 hours away from my boyfriend. It's tough, I'm not gonna lie. When we first started dating, I saw him every weekend because his sons live in the same town as me and they both played football, so he would come down to watch their games and the bonus was that I would be able to see him during the weekend. Well, football season ended 2 months ago so now we are dealing with seeing each other every other week and sometimes every 2 weeks. Right now we're looking at not seeing one another for about 3 weeks since we planned a snow trip in February and we're putting money into the cabin rental and food/gas costs for it.

The things I do like about it being long distance is that it actually requires us to have to make a conscious effort to communicate more via texting and phone calls. It also makes the time that we do see one another really special. We do not take one second of being together for granted. I do miss him like crazy all the time and even this past weekend I have been feeling down about not being able to see him for a few more weeks. It is what it is though. I know it won't be like this forever.

A few years back I was in a LDR that was not a drive away. It was a flight away. That didn't last very long; only 3 months. It was just too much for me to deal with so I ended it and vowed never to do another long distance thing again.

So, a few hours away seems like no big deal but right now I currently don't have the extra money for gas to drive up to see him every weekend like I would love to do and although he has offered to come down and see me more often; I tell him I would prefer for him to pay off his credit card debt (which is what he wants us both to do before we get married).

You definitely can make a few hours distance work though.
 
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jme21 is offline jme21 Post #3  January 23,2012, 11:07am
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Well with any relationship it takes two people to make it work, but in this case it takes two people to be on the same page/on board with making it work until the ultimate goal is accomplished, which I assume to be living in close proximity with the other person. It's good to know where each person stands on potential relocation (who/where/when) and what arrangements are being made to see each other until that happens, which is typically dependent on time off, financial situations, etc.

Long distance is far from ideal; it can work, but both people need to be all in, and there's a lot of serious/important conversations to be had surrounding it that some people might not be comfortable having early on, and if they aren't, they likely aren't going to be the best person to put yourself in that situation with.

I've never been in an "adult" long distance relationship per se, so I would agree with your assessment that the longer the distance, the harder it is, but for me it's only harder due to the financial aspect of it (ie: can you drive to see them, or do you have to fly, etc). When you aren't around the person you still need to communicate with them in whatever method is preferable between you both. Skype is awesome for this, you get to talk and see the person, so that helps make it feel like you're closer to them even when you aren't.
Last edited by jme21; January 23,2012 at 11:16am.
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #4  January 23,2012, 1:04pm
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Agree w/ jme. I also think the key is also have an "end" in sight... basically when is someone willing to relocate so you can be together in person "for reals", preferably somewhat soon. This isn't as easy if finances don't allow someone to quit their job and find a new one, or you don't have a flexible job or if you have children.

I think 3 hours isn't too bad of a situation if you both have the time (ie maybe you both work full time but don't really have a lot of other obligations), since you could get together pretty easily on weekends, versus something like 8 hours which would make that much harder. In the end, if someone has good potential, what do you have to lose? Worth a shot I think.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  January 23,2012, 2:16pm
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My longest was Florida to Seattle. We made an effort and made it work - tickets purchased way in advance etc. We saw each other every six weeks or so for an extended time. The relationship ended because he was not truthful about his relationship status. He was not totally out of a relationship and I found out the hard way and dropped him quickly.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  January 23,2012, 5:00pm
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uscftbll19 wrote :
What's the longest distance you've ever carried on one (and do you feel that the greater the distance the more strained the relationship can be?)?

Longest distance starting from the time of first meeting: 2 to 3 hours, depending on traffic. (However, I have communicated with intent to meet at 10 hours drive - which I would have flown.)

Longest distance in an existing relationship: 4 to 5 hours, again depending on traffic. (Above figures are only the in-motion travel time.)

I do agree that distance calls for a set of attributes that not everyone can manage. I don't tend to feel longing, distrust, etc, so I can manage it. In my experience, only women with busy lives (professional jobs and / or job + school) worked out.


uscftbll19 wrote :
What have you found that worked the best to keep things going?

- Effort is shared. Effort, cost, time, risk.

- Absolute honesty, all of the time.

- Decide your goals and communicate them. If you want a partner to move, say it; if you want to move when you can, say it. If you like what you have but doubt you'll move, say it.

- Schedules and lives are known.

- Enough money that you don't care about the travel.

- Both people with real jobs that provide fulfillment and can expand to consume more time.

- Time together is full weekends - and is not disrupted unless your employer's P&L is at stake. (Family and friends do not disrupt meetings.)

- No pretense. She shows up in gym clothes and wants to sleep or shower, you never harangue over such a thing. (Nor do you accept someone who won't grant you the same.)


uscftbll19 wrote :
Or if it failed, what do you feel made it come crashing down?

- Safety / comfort of my partner's neighborhood not matching my own attainment / requirements.

- Lifestyle differences.

- Both people favored the locality over the partner (this is only a problem if you're hoping for a commitment which requires cohabiting or more.)


uscftbll19 wrote :
Do you get feel that the long distance is flat out not worth it, and to just keep trying your luck locally?

If you can afford it, and you know and understand the limitations and risks, then it's fine.

- Do you intend this relationship to end when someone finds a local partner? It's fine if you do, but this has to be known, disclosed, and agreed.

- Do you hope one partner will move, but accept that it may never happen? (Job offer prerequisite.)

***

I've done it, and it can work.
 
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AudioDad is offline AudioDad Post #7  January 23,2012, 5:24pm
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Longest LDR was four states away - 4 to 5 hours plane ride. LDR's? In a word.....don't. There's a reason why they fail more often than not. The LDR's that work are the exception. Good luck.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #8  January 23,2012, 7:50pm
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My bf lives 6 hours drive time away currently. We didn't start as a LDR, though. We had been dating for 3.5 years before he got transferred this past summer. This distance means that we see each other about every 3-4 weeks. Honestly? It's hard. I miss him being here and sharing every day life with him--occasional weeknight suppers, hanging out on weekend mornings with the newspaper, running errands together, etc.

I would not begin a relationship with a lot of distance between us. The ability to get to know one another and spend that quality time is too difficult to manage. I am a full-time mother (except for 4 days a month when my kids are with their dad) and have a career that requires a great deal of my time (routine is 60 hours/week). Even before his move, every minute we got alone together was precious. Now, they are golden. It just seems like to me there are too many barriers, especially when you haven't had the time to get to know one another in person first.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  January 23,2012, 8:49pm
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The longest distance was between NJ and Singapore, +12 clock hours, 27 hours via plane. It was before email and Skype were invented, so it was Fedex, faxes and phone calls. He'd come home every couple of months, and we'd spend every minute we could together. We ended up married 12.5 years until he passed away from complications from Leukemia.

I will say that it is difficult to begin a relationship that has distance built in. The distance you describe of being 3 hours' drive is not all that much. If you both work at taking turns driving to see each other, it's possible it might work. But, I agree with everyone who has stated that communication is key in making it work, and to D_Lion's point, you need to be honest about your expectations regarding relocating as your relationship progresses. If neither of you are open to relocating, the chances the relationship will fail are huge.

Start out slow - get to know each other and take special care to communicate often and honestly. If you think this girl might be a good match, then there's nothing to lose by trying. You should be able to get a feel for how much she is willing to put into it after the first few dates.
 
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ClaireH is offline ClaireH Post #10  January 23,2012, 9:03pm
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I cannot speak for other people but I have never seen logistic issue as a deal breaker. I have had a few LDR in the past and I am currently in one. As other mentioned already, as long as you can agree on the future plan to be together, it can be worked out. The longest distance I had was 7 hours flight - we met on the plane - and ended up getting married. To me, compromising who I want to be with because of a geographical distance does not make sense. Yet, I know this does not apply to everyone.

My current LDR is new - so I am in a honeymoon phase, perhaps. But I see a lot of benefits in LDRs, ironically. We are certainly forced to slow down and communicate at a much deeper level as we know our communication is a lifeline. We both are extremely attracted to each other physically and could have totally missed this unique opportunity to make emotional and intellectual connection if we lived close. I think building "emotional closeness" is much more important than "physical closeness".

With today's technology, you can use webcam, talk, text or instant messaging - so take advantage of those tools :-) And enjoy the ride!
Last edited by ClaireH; January 23,2012 at 9:06pm.
 
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