OctoberRust is offline OctoberRust Post #1  January 23,2012, 5:11am
OctoberRust's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: May 2011

Rhode Island

Posts: 29

See profile

It bothers me that my boyfriend is divorced. Does anyone have any advice on how to get over feeling this way?

Background for those of you who are interested:

I started dating my boyfriend in April 2011, we met on eHarmony. He's been divorced for about 5 years. I'm 29 and he's 30. Our relationship is great and we're both very happy. But I've never been in a relationship with a divorced guy before. I think it bothers me because if we get married, it will be my first time and I would rather share that first experience with someone who has never had the excitement of getting married. Of course it's not a dealbreaker, since I am still dating him and possibly moving in together. There is no other reason I can think of for why being divorced bothers me.

I know that living together and never being officially married is possible and lots of people are doing that now, but I guess the fact that my parents have been married since '73 makes me want to be married and have it actually last.

I know it's stupid of me to feel this way. It seems most people older than 30 have been divorced so why can't I just get over it?
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  January 23,2012, 5:24am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,315

See profile

Clearly , there is something other than his divorced status that bothers you.
Is the ex in the picture?
Did they have kids together?
Was it a cantankerous divorce, with financial wars etc.
Does moving in rather than getting married bother you?
Is he a "never again!" type when it comes to marriage? (sounds like it if all he wants is a live-in lover)

There is more to this than his unmarried status......Good Luck..
OctoberRust wrote :
I started dating my boyfriend in April 2011, we met on eHarmony. He's been divorced for about 5 years. I'm 29 and he's 30.
I know that living together and never being officially married is possible and lots of people are doing that now
 
  Reply With Quote
barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #3  January 23,2012, 5:32am
barbarella_42's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2011

Posts: 243

See profile

Divorced woman here. My parents were married for 52 years before my dad died. My marriage cratered within two years, though we were together for more than four in total.

I'm glad you recognize that this is you, not him: Categorically judging divorced people as unworthy future partners is both narrow-minded and short-sighted, so it's good to hear that you're trying to get past it.

I think it would help to understand more about why your boyfriend is divorced. If his ex walked out because he was an abuser, or having an affair, or duplicitous, or financially irresponsible, or a substance abuser, then you're right to feel discomfort. If one of them simply realized that he or she made a horrible mistake (very possible, since clearly he got married very young), then it's good that they decided to cut their losses and get on with their lives.

If your boyfriend did enough soul-searching and reflection on his part in what transpired (because divorce is never just about one person), you may find that he's actually better prepared to be a partner than someone else his age who has never been married. In the absence of glaring signs that there is a problem with this guy that will carry over into future relationships, however, this is your issue and your baggage. It sounds like doing your own soul-searching to understand why this bothers you so much would be beneficial. Developing a broader worldview and finding a little more compassion and understanding that not all of us take the same path will also serve you well in many different areas of your life.

Again, I think it's great that you want to get past this. I hope you find a way to do that.
 
  Reply With Quote
OctoberRust is offline OctoberRust Post #4  January 23,2012, 6:51am
OctoberRust's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: May 2011

Rhode Island

Posts: 29

See profile

Wiseman2 wrote :
Clearly , there is something other than his divorced status that bothers you.
Is the ex in the picture?
Did they have kids together?
Was it a cantankerous divorce, with financial wars etc.
Does moving in rather than getting married bother you?
Is he a "never again!" type when it comes to marriage? (sounds like it if all he wants is a live-in lover)

There is more to this than his unmarried status......Good Luck..
There is nothing else about him, his divorce, or his ex. No kids.

The reason I have never run into this issue before is because I would purposely "Next" anyone who was divorced. I've always known that it would take some work on my part for divorce to not bother me. My parents have always had a negative view on divorce, maybe that's where I'm getting these feelings from. Now I just need to figure out how to fix my way of thinking.
 
  Reply With Quote
Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  January 23,2012, 6:58am
Goomph's Avatar

is boldly going where he has never gone before.

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Aug 2008

Ontario

Posts: 1,240

See profile

Divorce is not necessarily a bad thing. I had a horrible marriage which lasted 18 years .... My parents were married till my dad passed away, I have no idea why they stayed married, it was a very unpleasant marriage most of the times.
You need to really analyze your feelings on why you think negatively of a divorce. Divorce usually ends a nasty "togetherness" which keeps two people together, usually against the will of both, or sometimes one. In my experience, people who go through a divorce usually end up feeling pretty good about it once their wounds are healed up.

Your concern about this marriage (if it happens) being your first and wanting it to be a new experience for both is a valid one. Only you can decide if you like him enough to go through with that. Even if he wasn't divorced, he surely would have had a lot of girl friends, quite a few relationships, would that bother you too ?
 
  Reply With Quote
cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #6  January 23,2012, 7:34am
cristie86's Avatar

Is afraid of what's out there!

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2011

Near Philadelphia, PA

Posts: 175

See profile

Divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing, again, like everyone is saying, if he was cheated on and she just didn't want to work on the marriage and go with some other guy, you can't blame him. So check out the circumstances under which the marriage fell apart. Try to understand how it fell apart and why he wasn't willing to work on it. Some people just aren't worth fighting for, I know from personal experience.

As for sharing this experience for the first time "together", it doesn't matter if it's the first or the fifth, from what I've learned if a person really loves you, it'll be the first time they get it right. Just a thought!

A piece of advice if you do move in together and want to get married (because I didn't think about it back then and now I'm going through it), talk to him about a timeline about when you want to be married by, what you expect of him and what he expects of you. I'm dealing with a similar issue and if it's not spoken early on, chances are he'll keep you as a live in girlfriend. My advice if marriage is important to you; having what your parents have.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #7  January 23,2012, 11:41am
SteveManchest…'s Avatar

is too happy

Power Poster

Joined: Dec 2010

rainy uk

Posts: 5,026

See profile

most women I meet are divorced or widowed, get over it.
 
  Reply With Quote
pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #8  January 23,2012, 11:53am
pink_tulip's Avatar

There is no remedy for love but to love more

Quick Study

Joined: Dec 2011

Vancouver, Canada

Posts: 138

See profile

You need to grow up and be realistic.

People don't always stay in bad marriages for their own sanity... sometimes divorce is a blessing!

There is nothing wrong with being divorced... people deserve 2nd changes in life and love.
 
  Reply With Quote
meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #9  January 23,2012, 1:47pm
meanminicoope…'s Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2009

PHL

Posts: 514

See profile

You are 29. Your chances of meeting a guy who is normal and who is not divorced or has kids are getting smaller by the day.

A successful marriage is built on more than the fairytale that is the day of the ceremony.
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  January 23,2012, 2:28pm
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

Ask yourself a simple question - what do you want more? A fairy tale that doesn't exist or a great relationship that actually is working? Right now what you are saying is that for that one day of your life you want a wedding virgin more than you want a good man and a healthy relationship. Does that sound even a little absurd to you?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« Got a Bombshell Last Night | Relationships | Opinions on long distance relationships »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Single men vs. divorced men: late 30s - early 40s healthb Dating 45 December 8,2011 10:42pm
Am I Single or Divorced? Vanillasky About You 18 May 29,2011 6:15pm
Are Divorced Women Better? JEG Relationships 30 January 2,2011 4:02pm
Dating someone who is Divorced knittingtakesballs Dating 16 November 6,2009 1:23pm
When a married man says divorced in profile parakeetjordan Dating 21 August 22,2009 9:29pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:17am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0