Dating while still wounded from ex


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pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #1  January 22,2012, 10:48pm
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I have been thinking about the above and I believe that this has happened to me at one point in my life ...

I dated somebody as a rebound ... and I ended up hurting this person

At that time I was not entirely conscious of what was going on, in my point of view he was rushing into things and asking too much of me early on... Now that I look back I think I was holding back because I was afraid.

At the end he told me I did to him what my ex had done to me... ouch...

Do we really hurt other people intentionally because we have been hurt? has this happened to you?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  January 23,2012, 2:06am
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That's why it's best to avoid rebounds. It may be intentional or unintentional.
And many do drag the bad dynamic into the next situation by doing to the next what was done to them....wittingly or unwittingly....Most are unaware they are doing it....So whatever they say "I'm so over it", "I'm ready to move on" "You're better than my ex" etc...all rebound...all red flags.
pink_tulip wrote :
At the end he told me I did to him what my ex had done to me... ouch...
Do we really hurt other people intentionally because we have been hurt?
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  January 23,2012, 3:27am
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There are *some* that do this intentionally, but by and large, I don't believe that *most* people rebound with the sadistic intent to do so.

We are, by nature, social creatures and (most) people have an overwhelming need to be involved, included, and accepted by others. Rebounds are all about acceptance after being/feeling rejected with a heavy dose of denial thrown in for good measure. Pretty much any stage of the Kubler-Ross model (denial, anger, bargaining, and depression) of grief has the potential to give someone the - wrong - impression that they are 'ready' to date again; when in fact, they aren't ...not by a long shot. Sadly, most people aren't that self-aware to know the difference.

You say you felt like he was "rushing into things and asking too much" ...because he probably was. You chose him (subconciously) for that very reason. You knew (subconciously) that he was the type of guy who would accept you with the white hot passion of a thousand suns. I can tell you all about him. He was probably some guy either from your past or on the fringe of your radar (a friend) who you knew was attracted to you and was just waiting for an opportunity. He was probably some guy who hasn't dated in a while (or infrequently) and you knew he really had no current options (ergo, you knew he would be available). He was probably some guy who was - realistically - a few physical attraction points below you and "not your usual type" ...in fact, everything about him, physically and mentally, was exactly opposite of your ex (you were subconciously trying "something different").

The thing is, you chose him for a reason ...because you knew (subconciously) that he would happily accept you - no matter what - and he did, but he has to take some responsibility for his own actions and decisions here. I can guarantee you he saw the warning signs like big neon billboards, but he chose to ignore them.

I feel like, by saying this, I'm giving carte'blanc to anyone who thinks it's 'ok' to rebound on someone else - it isn't ...not by a long shot. This isn't justification for what you did and why you did it ...it's simply an explanation. You should feel bad about it ...you need to feel bad about it ...but you also should and need to learn from it and let it go.
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #4  January 23,2012, 7:35am
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pink_tulip wrote :
I have been thinking about the above and I believe that this has happened to me at one point in my life ...

I dated somebody as a rebound ... and I ended up hurting this person

At that time I was not entirely conscious of what was going on, in my point of view he was rushing into things and asking too much of me early on... Now that I look back I think I was holding back because I was afraid.

At the end he told me I did to him what my ex had done to me... ouch...

Do we really hurt other people intentionally because we have been hurt? has this happened to you?
Looking back, would you have dated him if you weren't afraid? If you weren't in a bad spot? It sounds like perhaps you regret having not moved forward with him.
 
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pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #5  January 23,2012, 11:29am
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EccentricAmbiguity wrote :
Looking back, would you have dated him if you weren't afraid? If you weren't in a bad spot? It sounds like perhaps you regret having not moved forward with him.
Good question,

I do regret hurting him...

Looking back no, I would not date someone like him again, that kind of personality doesn't appeal to me anymore, (constantly looking for relationship update status, and needing too much reassurance ...)
 
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NomadRider is offline NomadRider Post #6  January 23,2012, 7:03pm
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pink_tulip wrote :
Good question,

I do regret hurting him...

Looking back no, I would not date someone like him again, that kind of personality doesn't appeal to me anymore, (constantly looking for relationship update status, and needing too much reassurance ...)
I was in a long term relationship with a woman who hated her ex because he cheated on her and broke her heart. But the wound was still fresh. She complained about her ex a lot. It got to the point where it started to feel as if I was in a 3 way relationship. In any event, she dumped me out of the blue with no emotion. I think she was able to do it because she never really committed to our relationship.
Also, I was in a 23 year marriage and me ex cheated on me repeatedly. So I would say that I need, at least at the beginning of a relationship, reassurance that all is well. Many of us are emotionally wounded here and we need to be sensitive to that.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  January 24,2012, 5:04am
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This sums it up very well:
NomadRider wrote :
It got to the point where it started to feel as if I was in a 3 way relationship. In any event, she dumped me out of the blue with no emotion. I think she was able to do it because she never really committed to our relationship.
 
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Christine_ is offline Christine_ Post #8  January 25,2012, 4:34pm
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I'm not sure I'd know how to rebound without dating. It's part of the process of detaching, recreating the ability to bond, rediscovering self in the context of others... who can do that in isolation? or with simple friendships?

I'm not convinced that taking a year off from dating would make me more prepared for the next relationship. It seems like the issues to be worked through would still be waiting. I know some people force themselves to take a long time off before dating again, but I wonder if they really do any better? Yes, they may need that space for personal reasons, but do they really do better with that first post-trauma relationship?

Dating and relationships don't always work out, and it hurts. I don't think there is any way to eliminate that risk.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #9  January 26,2012, 7:29am
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Christine_ wrote :
I'm not sure I'd know how to rebound without dating.
This may be true.
It's part of the process of detaching, recreating the ability to bond, rediscovering self in the context of others... who can do that in isolation? or with simple friendships?

I STRONGLY disagree with this if you mean you must rebound/date to get "over" the last guy.

I'm not convinced that taking a year off from dating would make me more prepared for the next relationship. It seems like the issues to be worked through would still be waiting. See below
THAT is completely true if you don't work on yourself. You (general you ) are the constant. If someone takes the time, through therapy or yoga or introspection (or whatever), and works on their own abandonment issues, anger issues, daddy issues THEN they can approach a new relationship whole. That of course doesn't mean the new relationship WORKS but it wasn't a rebound.



I am a FIRM believer that you will only attract/keep relationships where you are at the same level of emotional health/wholeness.

The healthier you are the healthier you can attract and keep.

No one decent is going to stay with someone who is way below them...ie a healthy person with their life together will not start a relationship with someone who is addicted, indicted, broke, pathetic, cronically a PITA.
Last edited by KikiAZ; January 26,2012 at 12:25pm.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  January 26,2012, 10:06am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
There are *some* that do this intentionally, but by and large, I don't believe that *most* people rebound with the sadistic intent to do so.[/I][/B].
I agree with this. I think generally if you are in a place where you're still hurting from what happened you're just not in a place to think clearly. It doesn't mean someone will necessarily be trying to compensate for what happened to them, it just may mean they might not have the clarity to act in the way they would under other circumstances.
 
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