Constant criticism...what to do about it?


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rebecca723 is offline rebecca723 Post #1  January 20,2012, 12:26am
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Hi there, I'm new to this forum. I'm 24 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is an extremely wonderful guy, for 3.5 years. I'm not looking to get out of the relationship, but we've hit a snag and I don't know what to do about it.

We were so happy for our first 2 years, but last year we went through a very upsetting and dramatic event (I'm just going to be upfront here even though it's heavy because otherwise this problem might be hard to understand: my dad, who was a single parent, committed suicide suddenly last year). Needless to say, this event really stretched us to the max. We developed a bag dynamic while going through that of getting into fights, distrusting each other, and criticizing each other.

Thankfully, we managed to ride out that storm. We are still together and in this for the long-haul. However! One thing has stuck: he still criticizes me...constantly. He's gone back to treating me like the total prince he is and he does a million nice things for me......but the criticism is grinding down my self-esteem and I am STARVED for a compliment!!!!!!

The solution should be easy, right? Bring it up to him gently? Nope, tried that. My guy does NOT like to have ANY kind of "relationship talks" ever (it's a downside I can overlook). When I did gently try to bring it up to him, he said he didn't see that he criticized me all the time and didn't think he does (eesh), and when I pushed further it started to backfire.


So.....is there anything I can DO to get the criticism to ease up, without talking about it???? If a guy is criticizing his girlfriend constantly when he DIDN'T USED TO, is it just a bad habit left over from falling into a rut, or is it something I am doing wrong............
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  January 20,2012, 1:45am
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What is he criticizing..and when?. "Relationship talks" won't help this. Often criticizing is a controlling behavior.....to make you jump higher..when he says jump.
 
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cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #3  January 20,2012, 1:52am
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Well Rebecca, first off, I'm sorry about your dad's suicide. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Next, I think he's gotten used to that "thing" you've overlooked for so long. Although talking about your relationship with a guy can be daunting, it needs to become a part of you communication habits, IMO. I think you should try talking to him again and express how dissatisfied you are with his constant criticism but this time with a list of about 5-6 cases in which he's done it, preferably within a short span of each other so that he sees that hes doing. Again, I'm sorry about your father and that you're going through this now. I hope my advice helps. Good luck!
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #4  January 20,2012, 2:25am
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I believe that, in general, you allow people to treat you the way that they do. This applies to everyone.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  January 20,2012, 3:55am
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Have you tried criticizing him when he criticizes you (whatever you perceive criticism to be.) I have found to make my point I mirror someone's behavior. Their reaction is usually that of shock. I then smile sweetly and say, "Now you get my point."

For example he says- "You really should work on keeping your house tidier?"
Your response with a smile, "Hmmm, have you taken a look at your car lately." Keep your voice tone neutral.

When he responds defensively or abruptly, your cue to say, "Now you get my point."

If you think this will escalate into an argument then you need to reevaluate this relationship and determine if this is the right one for you. As Mr. Right said we do teach people how to treat us. If not addressed the situation will get worse, because by letting this go on you are telling him it is acceptable behavior.
 
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softwarmbreeze is offline softwarmbreeze Post #6  January 20,2012, 4:09am
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I had a boyfriend like that years ago..I found that when he criticized me he was trying to change me...Friends even commented on it....Needless to say we are no longer together. Keep your head up high and stick up for yourself. Even though you have been together for a long time it apparently is starting to make you feel bad....it is not you...it is him.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  January 20,2012, 4:24am
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Best not to escalate with retaliatory criticism. It was already stated that he denies / is unaware of it. Best to use action and nip it the bud on the spot, not store it up for a "relationship talk". Do not ask why or allow the critique to continue.

Keep in mind there is a difference between character assassination and types of criticism. Almost all have to do with control and power struggles.

A character assignation is an attack on who you are, perhaps in addition to what or how you do something. This is to control, change and conform someone.

The example of "the house isn't clean enough" implies that it is solely your responsibility and that he is the boss demanding a better performance. This is a power play.

There is constructive "criticism", such as "please call when you are late, since waiting here over an hour is a waste of time".. this is not to attack or to control someone. This is to bring to their awareness the inconsiderateness of an action, not change who they are.

Agree:
Alli824 wrote :
If you think this will escalate into an argument then you need to reevaluate this relationship and determine if this is the right one for you. As Mr. Right said we do teach people how to treat us. If not addressed the situation will get worse, because by letting this go on you are telling him it is acceptable behavior.
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #8  January 20,2012, 4:25am
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rebecca723 wrote :
Hi there, I'm new to this forum. I'm 24 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is an extremely wonderful guy, for 3.5 years. I'm not looking to get out of the relationship, but we've hit a snag and I don't know what to do about it.

We were so happy for our first 2 years, but last year we went through a very upsetting and dramatic event (I'm just going to be upfront here even though it's heavy because otherwise this problem might be hard to understand: my dad, who was a single parent, committed suicide suddenly last year). Needless to say, this event really stretched us to the max. We developed a bag dynamic while going through that of getting into fights, distrusting each other, and criticizing each other.

Thankfully, we managed to ride out that storm. We are still together and in this for the long-haul. However! One thing has stuck: he still criticizes me...constantly. He's gone back to treating me like the total prince he is and he does a million nice things for me......but the criticism is grinding down my self-esteem and I am STARVED for a compliment!!!!!!

The solution should be easy, right? Bring it up to him gently? Nope, tried that. My guy does NOT like to have ANY kind of "relationship talks" ever (it's a downside I can overlook). When I did gently try to bring it up to him, he said he didn't see that he criticized me all the time and didn't think he does (eesh), and when I pushed further it started to backfire.


So.....is there anything I can DO to get the criticism to ease up, without talking about it???? If a guy is criticizing his girlfriend constantly when he DIDN'T USED TO, is it just a bad habit left over from falling into a rut, or is it something I am doing wrong............
Just say "Ouch!" each time. I'm pretty sure it would work on me

Conscious Loving Relationships - Alison Armstrong - Understanding Women - Relationship Advice for Personal Growth and Self Awareness | Conscious Loving
 
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jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #9  January 20,2012, 5:51am
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Wait till the next time he criticizes you and call him out on it right then and there. Tell him you're sick and tired of it and even though everything else in the relationship is great, this habit of his is starting to seriously jeopardize things.

Keep it that short and simple. Men respond best to clear, direct, and concise communication.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  January 20,2012, 6:08am
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jimmyh452 wrote :
Wait till the next time he criticizes you and call him out on it right then and there. Tell him you're sick and tired of it and even though everything else in the relationship is great, this habit of his is starting to seriously jeopardize things.

Keep it that short and simple. Men respond best to clear, direct, and concise communication.
^This. It will take more than one time, but call him out on it immediately when he does it.

Also, when someone is being a jerk to you, you don't pat them on the back for it with gentle relationship talk. All that does is teach them that they can continue to walk all over you. Be clear, firm and direct that they've crossed a boundary and there will be consequences. You need to show that you have the self respect not to tolerate bad treatment.

If it doesn't stop after this.....you should probably take a big step back and rethink your relationship and just how "great" he is. Don't get caught up in the I've invested 4 years so must make this work thinking.
 
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