cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #1  January 18,2012, 6:12am
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Losing someone to divorce or death?

I was reading an article on the web and this really got me thinking.

'In death we confront the finality of a loved one's passing. In divorce, though we don't generally wish our partners dead, we sometimes realize that life would be easier if that were the case. And those feelings add to our confusion, our guilt, and our difficulties in co-parenting.

In death and divorce, we face the palpable destruction of the familiar: the structure of marriage, the family home, and loss of "self" in the role of partner. The identity issue is heightened for women who must choose to keep or shed a married name.

"Divorce is a hard path, a long, circuitous journey that is not something you can control... and your married friends look at you like you have leprosy. It threatens their world view for you to divorce. It threatens their marriage... everything changes. In ways you can't imagine or anticipate. Everything. Everything. Everything."

"... the destruction of together-dreams, forever-dreams, family-dreams, love-dreams. You cannot leave a marriage without doing violence to all those things, no matter how amicable the divorce."'

I've gone through a divorce and I have to say that everything could have been easier if the "til death do us part" part actually came into play, but how do you look at this and really relate the 2?
 
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brokensmile76 is offline brokensmile76 Post #2  January 18,2012, 10:30am
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I think death is worse. It's a comfort to know you were still loved by that person until their death and being split apart because of death would be really difficult.

At least with divorce, one party or both parties were miserable in the marriage and no sense in being "stuck" in a marriage filled with misery, even if you're the unsuspecting spouse to have believed the marriage was good and are now rejected by the other party. You eventually get over it and move forward. But do you ever really get over losing the person you loved the most when it was not a choice to lose that love? So yea, death would be much worse than divorce.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  January 18,2012, 1:27pm
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I don't know about divorce, but I can tell you from experience that there's not much worse than death of a spouse.
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #4  January 18,2012, 1:44pm
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In a small town perspective, Death is easier to cope with if nothing else. I still run into my ex-wife all the time and its misery. This was the case especially for the 2 years after the devorce while I was "getting over her" and having to see her with other guys. You always want what someone else has. Call me a 2 y/o but its the truth. If I never had to see her again post devorce then I would have to say that I wouldn't want her dead, atleast I know shes out there somewhere and (hopefully) happy.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is online now Dropdeadredtx Post #5  January 18,2012, 4:25pm
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Divorce is a choice, and controllable. Death is not (unless it was suicide, then it was still not the choice of the person left behind).
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  January 18,2012, 5:15pm
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In the case where the marriage was contingent (for instance, the couple planned to divorce if occupational demands forced them apart - and planned appropriately) then I'd expect death to be worse.

Other than that, if the parting is unilateral, I can understand divorce people worse (one person chose to make their vow a lie, while the other did not.)
 
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cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #7  January 18,2012, 5:35pm
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Are there any Catholics who think "til death do us part" means just that? Divorce is considered I sin. So for those people, would divorce be worse than death when they want out of a relationship?
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #8  January 18,2012, 7:41pm
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After my divorce, I actually said it would have been much easier to get through if he had just died. We had a very contentious divorce and, just like Lucid, were in a very small town (< 10,000 people). He spent a lot of time saying nasty things about me to my kids and anyone else who would listen and it was really very difficult.

Christie, I'm not Catholic, but I am a Christian and was raised to believe that divorce was wrong. In fact, at the time of my divorce, I was the only person in my entire extended family who was divorced except for one aunt whose husband was an alcoholic who regularly physically abused her. I was raised to believe that you didn't just get out of a marriage because it wasn't fun anymore or it "wasn't working"; you made a vow and you kept it. That is why I stayed in a bad marriage for many, many years. What I learned after the divorce is that I should have talked about the problems, asked for help, gotten out much earlier. I did no one, particularly my kids, any favors by staying. I don't know if I believed divorce was a sin, per se, but I did believe it was wrong.
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #9  January 18,2012, 7:55pm
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cristie86 wrote :
Are there any Catholics who think "til death do us part" means just that? Divorce is considered I sin. So for those people, would divorce be worse than death when they want out of a relationship?
This isn't just a Catholic rule, but is talked about in the Bible. I was cheated on and left for the other woman. I believe that is the "exception" Jesus talked about in the gospel of Matthew. I've never felt I've sinned by my divorce as it wasn't my choice. God is a forgiving God.

I feel the pain of divorce can linger a bit longer and is much messier emotionally. Especially if you didn't want it but were left. I still have moments of pain 4 years later. Still to lose a spouse you loved to death must be heart wrenching. It would probably be worse.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  January 18,2012, 9:57pm
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To answer both questions, I was both divorced and widowed. I can say for certain the divorce was easier but not less emotional.

As for the Catholic part - yes, I get it. I was raised a strict Roman Catholic and was raised to believe divorce was wrong. I watched my parents whom I was certain hated each other remain married. They just restated their vows for the third time for their 50th wedding anniversary.

I stayed in a bad marriage about 6 years longer than I should have for the total of 7 years of marriage. The guy didn't know when to keep his hands and words to himself, and when he turned on his own daughter shortly before her 5th birthday, it was the last straw. Unfortunately, the laws and judges in this country don't always protect the innocent and he was allowed visitation vs. supervised visitation. He's a creep, yet, despite this, for each and every milestone, I was careful for my daughter's sake to invite him and his parents to celebrate it with us. He and his father came out for her college graduation this past May. The milestones are fewer and farther apart, and his anger has faded for me and is directed toward his fiance who knows exactly what he is.

As for being widowed, I didn't ask him to leave. It wasn't my choice or his. He became very ill and Lukemia and modern medicine beat him. Up to that point in my life he was my best friend. It was devastating to lose him and I seriously thought about not entering into a relationship again.

Most of you all know I remarried almost 2 years ago, and that I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. I didn't think I could ever be close to anyone again though I very much wanted to be. Something between he and I clicked. He was widowed also, and we joke about not leaving the other behind. Death a cruel and horrible way to end a relationship.

So my vote is that death is worse than divorce.
 
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