cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #11  January 19,2012, 7:29am
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Singing Girl, I know the feeling. My ex and I lived together for a year before we got married and another year before we applied for his residency (Came over on a student visa). But let me tell you, once he got those papers (3 months after I gave birth to our son) he started acting a fool! I wasn't going to take that. My son needed a father and he wasn't working or going to school and was never home. After I filed for divorce, he skipped town but I couldn't get a divorce for 2 years without his permission so I lived my life. When he came back (because he got his divorce papers) he went on a spree telling everyone everything about every moment in our marriage. And a lot of people listened. Good thing I don't care what people think. I really thought about how wonderful it would be if he just got run over by a car or someone torched his house while he slept inside. But I got my revenge when he tried to come back into my son's life after 4 years and my son wanted NOTHING to do with him. Payback is a ....

Tink, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Although I sure it must have been a few years ago, I can imagine a pain like that doesn't go away easier (or at all). If I'd lost someone I loved involuntarily, I can see how I'd lose my mind.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #12  January 19,2012, 7:23pm
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cristie86 wrote :
Tink, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Although I sure it must have been a few years ago, I can imagine a pain like that doesn't go away easier (or at all). If I'd lost someone I loved involuntarily, I can see how I'd lose my mind.
Thanks for your kind words. You're right. It doesn't go away. You learn to live with it, and it becomes part of you. It's not like we can talk with them again - in that way it's very different than a divorce, where even a hotly contentioned divorce, there's usually some discourse - even if it is forced. You feel as though the person were plucked out of your life, even if a terminal illness was looming. I find it difficult to describe sometimes. And, yet, I (and other widow(er)s) find a way to rebuild our lives and attempt living and loving again. It is scary getting out there, but I'm sure very glad I did.
 
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cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #13  January 19,2012, 7:52pm
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I'm glad you did also! It's good to see strong people like you talking about what they've overcame in the past. It makes me believe I can do the same if I were ever in a situation like that because others have done it and they didn't fail.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #14  January 19,2012, 8:51pm
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brokensmile76 wrote :
But do you ever really get over losing the person you loved the most when it was not a choice to lose that love?
I think this is the key. This would apply whether that loss was due to death, divorce, or break up.

I know a couple of widows whose marriages were on the brink of breaking up when their spouse died.

I also know a couple of people whose love of their life left them voluntarily.

In those two scenarios, the ones whose love of their life left them were far more hurt than the widows.

One other thing to keep in mind: It can be far more painful to be rejected by the person you love with all your heart and see them go on with someone else, than to know the love of your life did not leave you voluntarily and loved you until the end.

A lot depends on the state of the relationship when the death or divorce came. I do not believe you can make a blanket statement that a loss through death is worse than a loss through divorce (or break up).
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #15  January 19,2012, 9:27pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
I think this is the key. This would apply whether that loss was due to death, divorce, or break up.

I know a couple of widows whose marriages were on the brink of breaking up when their spouse died.

I also know a couple of people whose love of their life left them voluntarily.

In those two scenarios, the ones whose love of their life left them were far more hurt than the widows.

One other thing to keep in mind: It can be far more painful to be rejected by the person you love with all your heart and see them go on with someone else, than to know the love of your life did not leave you voluntarily and loved you until the end.

A lot depends on the state of the relationship when the death or divorce came. I do not believe you can make a blanket statement that a loss through death is worse than a loss through divorce (or break up).
With regard to the bolded part, I agree with this. And, I agree that one can't and shouldn't make a blanket statement of which is worse. I don't like making blanket statements about people, but I don't have an issue with people sharing their perspectives or opinions about my experiences.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #16  January 20,2012, 6:35am
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I think losing someone to 'death' is significantly worse than 'divorce'. Basing that on my experience dating a few widows and divorced women.

In the case of widows, in every instance I'd have prefered to have never had to have met them ie. given the choice, I'd prefer they had their husbands back especially where children are involved.
 
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cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #17  January 20,2012, 8:51am
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I now understand that it's not HOW you lose someone but how much you loved them when they "parted". You ladies put it in perspective for me. Gracias!
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #18  January 22,2012, 1:45pm
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cristie86 wrote :
I now understand that it's not HOW you lose someone but how much you loved them when they "parted". You ladies put it in perspective for me. Gracias!
I think this is ultimately a good synopsis, but since I've been mulling it over a while I'm still going to add my 2 cents. Which is: like so many things in life, I don't think you can really compare the two scenarios. In one situation, you still have the love, but you have lost the person that you love. In the other, you have lost the love itself. I cannot say which is worse. They are both painful beyond words.
 
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