1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #1  January 16,2012, 8:55pm
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Have you ever been involved in an abusive relationship? How did you get out of it? Have you been able to heal and get over it? And what happened to the other person(was s/he arrested) ?
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  January 16,2012, 9:23pm
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The one relationship I was in where the guy bordered on assault never escalated far enough for me to call the authorities. But, what he did to me was enough for me to keep an open eye for any warning signs from other men.

He once bent my fingers back far enough to make them swell up and came very close to either breaking or dislocating them. He even laughed about it, which really got my attention. He got a bit too aggressive in the bedroom one time. He would "play" fight in a way that would hurt me but never leave marks or bruises. Looking back I can see that his other behavior was controlling and abusive in ways.

Now, when I see anything that leads me to believe someone would/could hurt me (my son, someone else around me) the same way, I just walk away.
 
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cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #3  January 17,2012, 8:34am
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Set up a support group. Have an exit plan (A and B) ready. Start small and if you find yourself in danger, go to the police and document EVERYTHING in the event something happens. Good luck!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  January 17,2012, 10:35am
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Personally no. However in every city there is a battered women's shelter. Even if you don't feel in that kind of danger or need, go there. These places usually have tremendous resources or access to a network of resources to help you out with legal questions, what do to, therapy, job placement and temporary financial assistance and housing when needed, etc. All free and given by numerous volunteers in all related legal and medical fields along with charitable contributions. However, the very first and most crucial step is you deciding that it's really over, you really want out and don't want to look back. Too many women who reach out to these organization will often still turn around and go back to their abuser despite all the help and support. Unfortunately, getting help is the easy part, sticking with the decision to leave seems to be the most difficult part for many.
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #5  January 17,2012, 10:40pm
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You members are giving great advice. I do wonder if eHA would consider putting up an abuse hotline for any members that would need help. There are alot of people who think there is no way to get out of this type of relationship. Btw, this thread isn't for me, but I do have a niece who keeps picking up downright worthless men who put her in the hospital. I'm afraid 1 day that I'll get THAT call telling me she is either in the hospital AGAIN, or in the morgue. She's trying to extricate herself again from a guy who won't leave her house(she left instead). She is currently ill too from the stress, plus, she has twin 12 year old boys that she wants to finish the year in the school they are enrolled in. I know, her life is a MESS. I get to sit buy, watch, and inevitably pick up the pieces.



Suzie
 
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cristie86 is offline cristie86 Post #6  January 18,2012, 5:58am
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Well, I know it difficult to see someone in the situation; I have an aunt that was in the same boat and had her 16 and 18 year old daughters living with her at the time. It got so bad with her that he went to Conneticut for a week because he broke her jaw but he called and left all these stupid messages on her phone and she came back to him. My family would tell her that she was better than that and that she should just kick him out and concentrate on her kids but her argument was that her kids were "grown" and that she deserves to be "happy" too... One day, they were argueing and when she ran into the girls' room, he hit her and my cousins. The 16 year old has a big bump on her head that won't go away after 2 years (she's 18 now) and the 18 year old (now 20) got a black eye and a bloody nose. It took my aunt ALL THAT to realize he was no good! My 4 uncles came from far and near and my cousins and brothers and let's just say that they DESTROYED him before the police even made it to the house. He's been in jail for 2 years and has 5 more but my aunt is still waiting that he'll change. Chances are, when he gets out, if she let's him come back, he's going to kill her this time. But what can you do? It's not your life and they won't listen until the light bulb turns on on it's own! Good luck! I hope your niece doesn't have to go through all that to realize that she deserves better than that!
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #7  January 19,2012, 12:26pm
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a couple of mentally abusive ones and one of those involved her hitting me.

why are you asking?
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #8  January 21,2012, 8:36pm
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
a couple of mentally abusive ones and one of those involved her hitting me.

why are you asking?
Because I want to do the right thing concerning my niece. So, how did you get out of the relationships, and are you healed yet?

Also, I think it's great that you're giving me a males point of view. There are even fewer males reporting abuse to the authorities than females. Can you give me reasons for this?



Suzie PS, Thank you for posting on this thread and offering a males perspective.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  January 21,2012, 10:46pm
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Do some research via Google to find battered womens' services where your niece lives, Suzie, and put her in touch with them. Since it's a pattern for her and she hasn't been able to get out on her own, she is going to need specialized help.

If she fails to follow through, I personally would call the local childrens' services agency in her area. It's very toxic for her children to be exposed to this, and depending on exactly what they've witnessed, may be considered a form of child abuse. In other words, I'd force help on her, for the benefit of her children, and through them, for her: tough love.

Very sorry for her pain and trouble, and for yours.

(I've been attacked once by a bf; never saw him again. It shocked me that I didn't see it coming. I got over the initial trauma within weeks but really it was years to completely leave it behind.)
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  January 22,2012, 3:05pm
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1Horselady wrote :
Because I want to do the right thing concerning my niece. So, how did you get out of the relationships, and are you healed yet?...
For me, it wasn't about 'how to get out' of these relationships.

It was more about waking up to realising the behaviour was abusive.

In the first case that came after the relationship end and a period of reflection. In the 2nd case I recognised the abuse, my friends also told me I was being mentally abused but I would say I went through a long period of denial. I would also say I refused to listen to what people were telling me and allowed her looks/charm to carry to much influence.

Also abusive people tend to be very manipulative, controlling and be strongly into mind games. They also from my experience start the relationship intensely and show a lot of interest.

Then once they are in control they do their best to crush your confidence! I remember she'd say things to me like "my friend says you look in your 50s" when at the time I was late 30s.

How can you stop someone being a victim or continuing to get involved with abusive people - I wish there was a simple formula for that one! But people can only be helped if they want helping and ask for help. And as you have seen in these forums, often even when people are asking for help, they refuse to accept the bad news about what steps they need to take.
 
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