SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #21  February 2,2012, 4:03am
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I hope your niece does not give her new address to her ex partner (the abuser).
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #22  February 28,2012, 7:54pm
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Steve,

Sorry that it took me so long to get back to you, and everyone else. This is an update on the situation. My niece has moved into her own apartment again. I'm glad that our 'trial by fire' is over, but I fear that she will go right back into the same situation again. She had 1 of the men? help move her things out of my house. I'm done. My house now has a new hole courtesy of my niece, in the hallway. No, I don't want her to fix it, I think she has done quite enough-thank you. I feel for the kids, and just wish she would start thinking of them-for a change.



Suzie PS, Does anyone know a good plasterer?
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #23  February 28,2012, 10:33pm
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(personal opinion)
Suzie,
I really feel for you. It must be hard on you turning your place upside down to help your sister, and I'm glad you helped her. She's not married to the guy who was hurting her, right? I don't remember if you mentioned that or not.

My story: I was in a bad situation for 7 years. I didn't know the guy was violent until after we were married and I was 7 months pregnant. I was raised a strict Roman Catholic, and my parents had a love, hate relationship - stereotypical Italian yelling all the time. They stayed together, so I figured I was supposed to. Things got really bad and I finally went to an EAP counselor at work who handed me a business card to the battered women's shelter and their hotline. I was in denial, but I got a temporary restraining order and began counseling. He talked me into dropping the TRO if he went to counseling, too. It worked for awhile, but then things got even worse than before because he'd get in my face and back me into a wall taking it right up to the point at which he would have struck me, only he didn't. He was working the system and my insecurities. I finally took out a second TRO when he blocked me from leaving the house with my daughter and blocked my entrance to my car. He pulled the phone out of the wall, so I walked with my daughter on my hip about 1/4 mile with him following and badgering me. Two different women whom I didn't know stopped to ask if I was ok, and if I needed a ride. I went with one of them to the police department, but he tried to do a tug of war with my daughter. When we finally got to court for the TRO trial, I ended up losing the trial. It wasn't because I didn't have documentation, but he and his lawyer wouldn't let me refer to it (and my lousy attorney didn't object), so I couldn't remember my facts straight. I was pretty upset and scared.

Your sister is going through a lot. She probably wants to do right by her kids, but she probably needs to get herself straight first, and she probably doesn't know how to do it. I hope she changed the locks and is going to try it on her own for awhile. She needs to get some counseling for herself and the kids. Do you think there's a chance of that? Usually there are battered women's organizations that offer counseling for little or no money. My daughter now volunteers at one, and they do some pretty awesome work, helping victims and their children. Maybe you could find out some information and pass it on to her. Feeding her helpful information even if she doesn't act on it right away might be very useful to her - even if she doesn't tell you it is.

Try not to give up on her.
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #24  February 29,2012, 8:48pm
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Hi tink,

She's my NIECE, not my sister. Thank you for the advice, I did give her the name of a battered women's group, but when everything was going on, they didn't have room for her and her kids. That was disappointing to me. I agree that she and her kids need counseling, but getting her to do it, and do it consistently is like pulling teeth. I'm trying NOT to give up on her, but when you see the things she does, it's easier than not.

I think I learned more from this experience than she did.


Suzie
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #25  February 29,2012, 11:27pm
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1Horselady wrote :
Hi tink,

She's my NIECE, not my sister. Thank you for the advice, I did give her the name of a battered women's group, but when everything was going on, they didn't have room for her and her kids. That was disappointing to me. I agree that she and her kids need counseling, but getting her to do it, and do it consistently is like pulling teeth. I'm trying NOT to give up on her, but when you see the things she does, it's easier than not.

I think I learned more from this experience than she did.


Suzie
)personal opinion)

Suzie,
Sorry for the mistake - I knew she was your niece - don't know why in the world I typed sister.

The battered women's shelters are often full, but sometimes they have room if the person is in imminent danger. My daughter told me of a situation where a woman was in the hospital with a broken leg (which her bf or husband gifted her) and she tried to get into the shelter. Thing is, she didn't tell them the magnitude of the problem she was returning home to. My daughter counseled her to disclose the circumstances of how she came to have a broken leg, and all of a sudden, the shelter had room.

Because there is so little room, they try to take only the most emergent cases.

I didn't mean to imply you had given up on her. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I know it is frustrating for those watching someone they care about not see the light in the situation, but honestly, a person gets pretty 'brainwashed' for lack of a better way to describe it, and it can take time and patience on the part of the person on the outside to help them see the light. If you continue to feed her information, maybe eventually she will understand how bad her situation has become.

I'm betting she has pretty low self-esteem and maybe doesn't think she can make it on her own. A lot of times, the abuser's influence can be powerful, and the victim often believes life alone would be worse than life with the abuser. It can be very difficult to be on the outside watching the train wreck. Hopefully, she will come to a point where she wants things to change for herself.
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #26  March 1,2012, 8:23pm
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tink333 wrote :
)personal opinion)

Suzie,
Sorry for the mistake - I knew she was your niece - don't know why in the world I typed sister.

The battered women's shelters are often full, but sometimes they have room if the person is in imminent danger. My daughter told me of a situation where a woman was in the hospital with a broken leg (which her bf or husband gifted her) and she tried to get into the shelter. Thing is, she didn't tell them the magnitude of the problem she was returning home to. My daughter counseled her to disclose the circumstances of how she came to have a broken leg, and all of a sudden, the shelter had room.

Because there is so little room, they try to take only the most emergent cases.

I didn't mean to imply you had given up on her. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I know it is frustrating for those watching someone they care about not see the light in the situation, but honestly, a person gets pretty 'brainwashed' for lack of a better way to describe it, and it can take time and patience on the part of the person on the outside to help them see the light. If you continue to feed her information, maybe eventually she will understand how bad her situation has become.

I'm betting she has pretty low self-esteem and maybe doesn't think she can make it on her own. A lot of times, the abuser's influence can be powerful, and the victim often believes life alone would be worse than life with the abuser. It can be very difficult to be on the outside watching the train wreck. Hopefully, she will come to a point where she wants things to change for herself.

Thank you for the pertinent story about the woman. It's pretty dispiriting for me to try to keep helping her until she hits rock bottom. I know she must feel as though no one cares what happens to her, but that's NOT true. If nothing else, I was trying to help her get her health issues addressed. It doesn't help that the health officials thought that she was a hypochondriac. I don't. I can see how her health has declined, and tried to do something about it. Now, everything has been taken out of my hands. Maybe it's for the best, I don't know. I just feel frustrated about the entire situation.



Suzie PS, Btw, how are you liking you new position?
 
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