ipa is offline ipa Post #1  January 15,2012, 8:19pm
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I meet a girl and we’ve been dating for about two years now and everything’s great. All of my friends and family like her and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her. So that should be the end of my story. It almost was, but then two months ago, I bumped into this girl that I was head over heels about in my college days. All of these intense passionate feelings just came rushing up, these were feelings that I’ve never felt or had for my current gf.

Now looking back, I feel like I'm settling with my current gf, and if things continued to move forward between us, I would remain complacent. I’ve had so many crazy ex’s, from cheaters to kleptos that I don’t want to go out and start dating again, I’m fine exactly where I’m at, and that’s all I want. But I still can’t stop thinking about the feelings I had for the other girl. She has no red flags and I feel love and cherished by her.

Do you know anyone that's settled with their SO?
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #2  January 15,2012, 8:42pm
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Since I'm the first to respond, I'm going to ask the question that everyone will ask...what happened when you bumped into the college crush? Was she married? Are the feelings not reciprocated? What's the situation there?

I'm in a similar situation to yours...it's sooo hard to break up a long term, comfortable, safe relationship and get back out there.
 
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Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #3  January 15,2012, 8:42pm
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ipa wrote :
I meet a girl and we’ve been dating for about two years now and everything’s great. All of my friends and family like her and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her. So that should be the end of my story. It almost was, but then two months ago, I bumped into this girl that I was head over heels about in my college days. All of these intense passionate feelings just came rushing up, these were feelings that I’ve never felt or had for my current gf.

Now looking back, I feel like I'm settling with my current gf, and if things continued to move forward between us, I would remain complacent. I’ve had so many crazy ex’s, from cheaters to kleptos that I don’t want to go out and start dating again, I’m fine exactly where I’m at, and that’s all I want. But I still can’t stop thinking about the feelings I had for the other girl. She has no red flags and I feel love and cherished by her.

Do you know anyone that's settled with their SO?
It is human nature to desire that which we can't have a lot more so than that which is readily available in front of us. Combine that with "the grass is always greener on the other side" and the fact that this old college flame is "new and exciting" whereas your GF is what you've grown used to, and you've got yourself the ultimate temptation. Those who truly love their significant others... as well as have the ability to overcome said temptation... tend to succeed in relationships. The rest do not.

Make sure you give that a lot of thought before pulling the plug on your relationship and setting off to chase this other woman, whom you perceive to be better than your GF.

With the above said, however, I tend to think that if anyone ever believes that they're settling by being with their partner (i.e. believes they can be happier with another), then a break up is in order. You should be with someone because you believe they're the right one for you, and NOT because you're too afraid to find (or pursue, in this case) the right one for you.
 
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ipa is offline ipa Post #4  January 15,2012, 9:04pm
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suzyque wrote :
Since I'm the first to respond, I'm going to ask the question that everyone will ask...what happened when you bumped into the college crush? Was she married? Are the feelings not reciprocated? What's the situation there?

I'm in a similar situation to yours...it's sooo hard to break up a long term, comfortable, safe relationship and get back out there.
She is single, but I never asked for her number because I'm not. Plus I wouldn't be interested in jumping into a new relationship anytime soon if I do end up breaking up.

Harryoss wrote :
With the above said, however, I tend to think that if anyone ever believes that they're settling by being with their partner (i.e. believes they can be happier with another), then a break up is in order.
I have given it an insane amount of thought, and I think you're right. She is just such a good person, that the thought of leaving her so that I might hopefully find someone else in the future is such a hard sell to me.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  January 15,2012, 10:49pm
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I'm betting that if you were to truly analyze why you and the college GF broke up in the first place, you'll find that your immediate reaction of attraction was because you remembered only the good or the spark and if you really thought about it, you'd remember what caused it to end. It's probably best to keep that relationship behind you.

This analysis is totally independent of asking yourself whether the girl you're with now is one you want to remain with. I suggest making a list of what is good in the relationship, what is missing, and what is not going well and whether you think it is something that can or is likely to change.

Lasting relationships require both partners put in the time and effort to make them work. It doesn't mean that you're settling, but it may mean that you're less likely to jump after the hormonal reaction that you did in your younger and less mature days. If you really like/love the girl you're with, then put in the effort nurture your relationship. If, however, in making your lists, you come across a huge deal breaker you've been ignoring, you have a decision to make.

Wishing you the best.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  January 16,2012, 4:12am
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I am all for exploring sparks. But then again I am a risk taker. Relationships with little or no passion seldom last. As time moves on people get bored. We can all find someone that we enjoy being with but if that spark isn't there yep it's settling. And no one knows that better than you, especially if you've already experienced deep feelings with someone else. I'm not necessarily saying you go after the ex but at least be true to yourself. You know when it's there and when it's not.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #7  January 16,2012, 4:34am
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ipa wrote :
I meet a girl and we’ve been dating for about two years now and everything’s great. All of my friends and family like her and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her. So that should be the end of my story. It almost was, but then two months ago, I bumped into this girl that I was head over heels about in my college days. All of these intense passionate feelings just came rushing up, these were feelings that I’ve never felt or had for my current gf.

Now looking back, I feel like I'm settling with my current gf, and if things continued to move forward between us, I would remain complacent. I’ve had so many crazy ex’s, from cheaters to kleptos that I don’t want to go out and start dating again, I’m fine exactly where I’m at, and that’s all I want. But I still can’t stop thinking about the feelings I had for the other girl. She has no red flags and I feel love and cherished by her.

Do you know anyone that's settled with their SO?
ipa, My advice will be a little different than the other advice that you've received in this thread. If you've had dramatic relationships in the past, you may be confusing the lack of drama in your current relationship for a lack of passion. Unfortunately, dramatic relationships are very intense, and that intensity often exacerbates both the good and the bad in the relationship. A stable relationship often cannot achieve the peaks of emotion that are possible in a dramatic relationship, although the stable relationship doesn't have the valleys either. Ultimatley, however, the stable relationship will be more healthy and satisfying. I urge you to consider these issues very carefully before making any decisions regarding your current girlfriend. I wish you the best.
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #8  January 16,2012, 6:21am
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Listen to "Garth Brooks - Unanswered Prayers" before you do anything hasty! :0
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #9  January 16,2012, 6:32am
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IPA, what happened with you and the colege crush in college? Why did you not pursue a relationship then?
I'm thinking you are enjoying the romantic rush you are feeling more than the prospect of the particular girl. To see if your current relationship can work, are you willing to do things to rebuild the spark there? I think you should at least try all you can do before pulling the plug.
Of course if there was never any spark with your current girlfriend to begin with..I don't know.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #10  January 16,2012, 7:05am
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Harryoss wrote :
It is human nature to desire that which we can't have a lot more so than that which is readily available in front of us. Combine that with "the grass is always greener on the other side" and the fact that this old college flame is "new and exciting" whereas your GF is what you've grown used to, and you've got yourself the ultimate temptation. Those who truly love their significant others... as well as have the ability to overcome said temptation... tend to succeed in relationships. The rest do not.

Make sure you give that a lot of thought before pulling the plug on your relationship and setting off to chase this other woman, whom you perceive to be better than your GF.

With the above said, however, I tend to think that if anyone ever believes that they're settling by being with their partner (i.e. believes they can be happier with another), then a break up is in order. You should be with someone because you believe they're the right one for you, and NOT because you're too afraid to find (or pursue, in this case) the right one for you.

Mike74 wrote :
ipa, My advice will be a little different than the other advice that you've received in this thread. If you've had dramatic relationships in the past, you may be confusing the lack of drama in your current relationship for a lack of passion. Unfortunately, dramatic relationships are very intense, and that intensity often exacerbates both the good and the bad in the relationship. A stable relationship often cannot achieve the peaks of emotion that are possible in a dramatic relationship, although the stable relationship doesn't have the valleys either. Ultimatley, however, the stable relationship will be more healthy and satisfying. I urge you to consider these issues very carefully before making any decisions regarding your current girlfriend. I wish you the best.
I agree w/ the advice given above, especially that which I bolded.

I can only add a few points to this:

1. The passion you feel you are missing w/ your current gf eventually wears off. More often than not, there is very little to sustain a relationship once this happens, as the relationship was built and existed on the peaks and valleys that brought you together in the first place. These relationships ultimately fail as a result.

2. It is normal to have feelings of doubt when moving a relationship to the next level. Relationships are dynamic. When considering the prospect of a life-long partner, it is natural to second-guess your feelings. There was something about your current gf that kept you going back in the early stages and has kept you there for two years. Consider what those things have been/are. There was something that caused the breakup between you and your former gf, consider that, as well.

3. Finally, remember that regardless of who you choose to share your life, there will be temptation outside that union. As Harry said, it is human nature to want that which we cannot/do not have. Relationships take an ongoing concerted effort by both parties. Be sure you are doing you part to keep the spark alive in the relationship you choose and focus on those things that make you happy about that relationship. The grass is seldom greener...
 
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