Am I doing the right thing here?


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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #1  January 13,2012, 3:55am
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This is a bit confusing to explain, but I would really appreciate some input on a situation.

Backstory: I was dating someone between May and August of last year, an expat from Australia. We met online. There was strong, immediate chemistry between us, and the relationship became too intense, far too quickly. I recognized that at the time, but I didn't do anything to stop it. He brought a lot of personal baggage with him, including alcohol abuse, a really nasty habit of lying, and a history of infidelity. I broke things off in August and started dating someone else, the guy I'm seeing now. The Australian also started dating someone else, although I suspect it might have begun before I pulled the plug. In short, he has some very destructive tendencies, combined with a total lack of an off switch.

In October, the Australian began contacting me again. Things weren't going terribly well with the other guy at that point and we had not established ourselves as a couple, so I started seeing the Aussie from time to time. (I was up front about this with the other guy.)

The chemistry was as strong as it was before, if not stronger. We fought regularly and there was plenty of drama (I hate drama), but my feelings were so strong that I actually broke things off with the other guy. Right after I did that, it finally sunk into my thick skull that not only was the Australian severely downplaying to me his relationship with the other woman he was seeing, she was firmly convinced that they were exclusive and didn't even know I existed. We had a blowup over it, and he cut off communication.

I promptly got really sick, the guy I had just dumped started bringing me soup and checking on me until I was better, and I finally told him I'd made a terrible mistake and wanted to start over. He agreed. Since then, we've been very happy together and the relationship has grown at a pace that's appropriate and comfortable for both of us.

Fast forward to yesterday: After no contact for the last two and a half months, the Australian texted me to say happy new year. When I came into the office today, there was a missed call from him, no message. I didn't even know he had my work number.

My friends have already threatened me with an intervention if I reply in any way. I've also told the guy I'm seeing now that the Australian's been contacting me again and I'm ignoring it. He's not best pleased about the contact, but is satisfied that I'm not responding.

I think I'm doing the right thing by not engaging with this guy again: At a minimum, he's bad for me and being in touch with him will be detrimental to my current relationship because I don't think it's possible for us to just be friends. At maximum, he's destructive and essentially crazypants. I'm still kicking myself for spotting all these warning signs last spring and disregarding them.

My question to you guys is this: Am I handling it right?
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #2  January 13,2012, 7:16am
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what alternative way could you handle it?
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #3  January 13,2012, 7:20am
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
what alternative way could you handle it?
Well, I could respond to him and tell him to leave me alone. One person suggested I do exactly that, but my gut feeling says not to engage the crazy.

That said, I know this guy well enough to be pretty sure that in the short term, it's going to escalate before he drifts away.
 
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OlderButWiser0549 is online now OlderButWiser0549 Post #4  January 13,2012, 7:40am
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barbarella_42 wrote :
I think I'm doing the right thing by not engaging with this guy again: At a minimum, he's bad for me and being in touch with him will be detrimental to my current relationship because I don't think it's possible for us to just be friends. At maximum, he's destructive and essentially crazypants. I'm still kicking myself for spotting all these warning signs last spring and disregarding them.

My question to you guys is this: Am I handling it right?
My opinion: yes, you're doing exactly the right thing. And I think you've assessed the situation very realistically in the above paragraph.

barbarella_42 wrote :
Well, I could respond to him and tell him to leave me alone. One person suggested I do exactly that, but my gut feeling says not to engage the crazy.

That said, I know this guy well enough to be pretty sure that in the short term, it's going to escalate before he drifts away.
I think your gut feelings are telling you the right thing: don't engage this guy.

And I suspect you're right about short-term escalation. I'm sure he will.

Best of luck to you in handling this difficult situation.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #5  January 13,2012, 7:42am
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Do not respond to the Australian in any way. If you react in any way, even if it's only to tell him to stop and you're not interested, he will take it as a sign of interest. Frankly, he doesn't sound well, and all of the symptoms of that can seem very attractive (the ones that involve chemistry, at least). It almost sounds as if he might be borderline personality.

Consider this: you're already one step ahead of where you were the first time he came back into your life. You now know how he handles those return engagements, so you know what to expect. Use that knowledge as a tool to keep yourself strong and resist the urge to contact him.

If he escalates with more texts, phone calls, e-mails, what have you, do not respond. He will go away eventually. Probably not quickly enough for you, but then you already know that.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #6  January 13,2012, 8:01am
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Do not respond...Block his number...block his email......

I certainly hope that you have been tested (at least 6 months from the last intimate encounter with the cheating/liar.....) As you don't want to find out you have something...as well as now given it to your new guy....

It's interesting that you are even having to come on here to 'ask' us what to do...This means that there is a part of you still attached to this guy and gets a bit of a rush of excitement when he contacts you...

Otherwise...it would be a complete no brainer on what you would need to do...

He's been your drug of choice that you are trying to break...Cold turkey is the way to go!..Leave that jerky turkey out in the cold! LOL

Good luck..
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #7  January 13,2012, 8:14am
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I think you are doing the right thing by not responding to attempts at contact from the guy. I think you should keep it up.
You are wise to realize he may step things up before fading away completely- that is where you will have to steel your resolve to continue to not respond.

If you find yourself still wanting to engage him or get 'closure' or some such thing think of it like this- his purpose in your life was to show you how crazy a relationship could be so you could appreciate the calm you have with your current boyfriend. Since his purpose has been fulfilled, you have no more reason to talk to him at all. You can wish him well (in your head!) and let him go.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #8  January 13,2012, 8:15am
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Ingytravel wrote :
It's interesting that you are even having to come on here to 'ask' us what to do...This means that there is a part of you still attached to this guy and gets a bit of a rush of excitement when he contacts you...

Otherwise...it would be a complete no brainer on what you would need to do...
She isn't asking whether she should start things with him or not. She's asking whether she should ignore him or tell him to get lost.

I personally would respond with something quick that clearly states I'm not interested in any form of communication and then ignoring any further communication. The reason is that I've had experiences where people continue to be a pest until you tell them to stop.

The other side of it is that if you respond at all, the situation may escalate. Some people will just go away if you don't respond, but, if you engage them, they'll act all crazy.

Since I don't really know the person aside from the OP's perspective, I can't guess which way will work better.
 
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churumbeque is online now churumbeque Post #9  January 13,2012, 8:26am
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[QUOTE=barbarella_42;1479577]This is a bit confusing to explain, but I would really appreciate some input on a situation.

Backstory: I was dating someone between May and August of last year, an expat from Australia. We met online. There was strong, immediate chemistry between us, and the relationship became too intense, far too quickly. I recognized that at the time, but I didn't do anything to stop it. He brought a lot of personal baggage with him, including alcohol abuse, a really nasty habit of lying, and a history of infidelity. I broke things off in August and started dating someone else, the guy I'm seeing now. The Australian also started dating someone else, although I suspect it might have begun before I pulled the plug. In short, he has some very destructive tendencies, combined with a total lack of an off switch.

In October, the Australian began contacting me again. Things weren't going terribly well with the other guy at that point and we had not established ourselves as a couple, so I started seeing the Aussie from time to time. (I was up front about this with the other guy.)

The chemistry was as strong as it was before, if not stronger. We fought regularly and there was plenty of drama (I hate drama), but my feelings were so strong that I actually broke things off with the other guy. Right after I did that, it finally sunk into my thick skull that not only was the Australian severely downplaying to me his relationship with the other woman he was seeing, she was firmly convinced that they were exclusive and didn't even know I existed. We had a blowup over it, and he cut off communication.

I promptly got really sick, the guy I had just dumped started bringing me soup and checking on me until I was better, and I finally told him I'd made a terrible mistake and wanted to start over. He agreed. Since then, we've been very happy together and the relationship has grown at a pace that's appropriate and comfortable for both of us.

Fast forward to yesterday: After no contact for the last two and a half months, the Australian texted me to say happy new year. When I came into the office today, there was a missed call from him, no message. I didn't even know he had my work number.

My friends have already threatened me with an intervention if I reply in any way. I've also told the guy I'm seeing now that the Australian's been contacting me again and I'm ignoring it. He's not best pleased about the contact, but is satisfied that I'm not responding.

I think I'm doing the right thing by not engaging with this guy again: At a minimum, he's bad for me and being in touch with him will be detrimental to my current relationship because I don't think it's possible for us to just be friends. At maximum, he's destructive and essentially crazypants. I'm still kicking myself for spotting all these warning signs last spring and disregarding them.

My question to you guys is this: Am I handling it right?[/QUOTE]Are you serious? Why would you even consider being a friend with a liar and cheater? You are what you condone and have as friends. Why would you want to have any communication with this guy? It is disrespectful to yourself and your boyfriend. At a minimum block him from your phone and tell your BF you have done so. If needed I would get a new number. Why do people punish themselves I will never understand.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #10  January 13,2012, 8:56am
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Thank you all for your feedback. I realize that my question was a no-brainer to many people, but it's tough to be able to step far enough outside of the situation to be sure that I'm making an objectively smart decision. The fact that I'm dealing with crazy makes it more difficult to judge from within.

Someone pointed out that the fact that I have to ask this question at all means that I still have feelings for the guy. When he re-entered my life in October, it was on the grounds that he had missed my friendship. I missed him terribly. too: I've mentioned all the yucky things he's done, but there are many attractive qualities that drew me to him to begin with, and letting go of that part of him was very difficult. Part of me still feels a little wistful about the guy I thought he was.

That said, I am crazy about my current SO and after having been through the wringer with the other one twice now, I honestly don't want anything to do him. His net impact on my life was negative, and I'm not going to open the door to that negativity ever again, regardless of whether and how he chooses to escalate.

Hope that answers some of the questions that came up. Again, I really appreciate the feedback. It's been enormously helpful.
 
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