Am I doing the right thing here?


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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #21  January 13,2012, 3:28pm
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has all the tools and can........satisfy

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I heard that the third time's a charm.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #22  January 13,2012, 7:48pm
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up late....again.

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Seriously, I agree with the others who have advised that you do not contact him. Ignore his messages, block his phone number, change your locks if you think he had a key. If he shows up at your apartment, don't let him in, no matter what sob story he comes up with.

He is attempting to elicit a response. Even a "no, I'm not interested," or "no, don't contact me again." are going to encourage him to test the waters. If you stand firm, he might get the idea and leave for real and for good.

You might, however, want to keep a journal detailing each contact he attempts to make and how you responded or didn't respond (not responding is the right move). If you eventually need to obtain an RO, the data might come in handy.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #23  January 14,2012, 5:10am
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Thanks again. Nothing new to report, although I checked my land line log yesterday and saw that he also left a hang-up call there either right before or right after he called my office. I suspect he'll leave it through the weekend. One of my close friends is a public prosecutor and is helping me keep tabs on things if it does start escalating.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #24  February 7,2012, 7:46pm
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It took longer than I expected, but it looks like this guy is starting up again. I received a bcc copy of a funny email forward from him this morning. It's possible that he could have included me by mistake, but I don't think it's likely. I suspect he's throwing some bait out there to see if I'll respond. I'm not touching it.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #25  February 7,2012, 8:51pm
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barbarella_42 wrote :
It took longer than I expected, but it looks like this guy is starting up again. I received a bcc copy of a funny email forward from him this morning. It's possible that he could have included me by mistake, but I don't think it's likely. I suspect he's throwing some bait out there to see if I'll respond. I'm not touching it.
Good. I think that's the right approach. Props for staying strong.
 
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brokensmile76 is offline brokensmile76 Post #26  February 8,2012, 8:30am
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Alli824 wrote :
A psychologist friend once gave me advice when I was dealing with a particularly persistent guy who would not take "Not Interested for an answer," that I should not respond. It just adds fuel to the fire and the calls and texts will escalate. Good luck to you.
Exactly! Just ignore him completely. The minute you respond, you open the door for communication even if it's a negative response of "leave me alone".
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #27  February 8,2012, 9:39am
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I agree that just ignoring him is the way to go. I think either way he would have continued to contact you, but to me the route you're taking has more potential to earn you trust in the eyes of your current boyfriend. I don't know that I would go so far as to consider a RO though. It seems a bit extreme given everything you have written about here. Not to mention could be potentially something you would then have to explain to future partners down the road. It seems to me that all you need is a heavy dose of conviction and willpower and to not let yourself get dragged back into the drama. It'd especially watch yourself when you hit any rough patches in your current relationship. It sounds like in the past it's contributed to you giving back in. Don't. Regardless of whether you have your current boyfriend in your life the Australian sounds like he has a toxic infuence.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #28  February 8,2012, 9:54am
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Thanks, all. Boschimsp, toxic is exactly the right word.

There's been nothing to justify a restraining order thus far, and hopefully it'll stay that way. I forwarded the email to my BF and assured him that I have no intention of answering it. I also told my closest friends, who know him and agree that he's trying to provoke a response. They are very supportive but also very much against my being in touch with this guy for any reason, and not at all reticent about expressing it.

I just want him to leave me alone. I think he's going to try again, but hopefully after that he'll get the hint. I appreciate the feedback; my head is a lot clearer about this than it used to be, so I'm trusting my judgment in this situation more.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #29  February 13,2012, 7:56am
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. . . and here comes the escalation. Just got an email wishing me a happy Valentine's Day and hoping that I am happy and well.

Argh. No reply, of course.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #30  February 13,2012, 9:31am
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You will simply have to continue to ignore him. If he does slip past your defenses on the phone blocking, please hang up the minute you hear his voice.

There can be no escalation without your participation. Otherwise, it's just an annoyance to be dealt with. The moment you engage, the game starts all over.

An RO is NOT the way to go. It will not stop him and will possibly simply escalate matters. It falls into the realm of attention, even if it is negative attention. It indicates that he still has influence in your life.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin Becker for some examples of similar situations and how to deal (and not deal) with them.

Simply disappear him from your universe by not responding, reacting, engaging, or in any way acknowledging his existance.

Good luck.
 
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