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cardio1 is offline cardio1 Post #1  December 3,2011, 10:07am
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Hi everyone,

So, I'm a recently new member at eharmony; I was browsing through the advice forum, and thought I'd fire this question out there for your thoughts.

I had a girl break up with me about 2 weeks ago. We hadn't been going out for that long (worked together for a month, followed by about 3 weeks of seeing each other), but it was pretty intense (i.e. physical intimacy, very frequent contact on a daily basis).

One night, she came over, and we had dinner, watched a movie, and then she stuck around for awhile. The next night, I hear nothing from her all day, which I thought was strange, and then, late at night, receive an e-mail that, in summary, said "Hey, its not working for me, I'm really sorry because you are such a nice guy. I was lonely when we met, but I had a great time. If you want to talk about it, I'll be away on vacation for a week and we can talk when I get back".

To say that this message surprised me is an understatement, both because of its suddenness and the fact that it was over e-mail; I was pretty hurt, confused and probably a little angry all at the same time. I don't feel like I got any closure. I have not talked to her since (have studiously avoided any method of contact). BUT... by nature of our work, we will run into each other again. Also, one of the other people who worked on this project with us for a month was astonished when we were no longer together, saying that she seemed pretty cool, that we obviously got along well together, and that she was very much actively pursuing me through the entire project. This particular conversation with our co-coworker happened a couple of days ago, which is why this is probably a fresher topic in my mind than it normally would be.

Anyway, that's a long story that leads up to this - should I get in touch with her? There's a part of me that doesn't want to have any contact, but there's another part of me (that's growing) that says that, even though the conversation will probably make me feel worse in the short term, might help in the long term. For the record, the latter opinion is getting little to no support from my friends, who feel like an e-mail is no way for a mid-30's person to break up with someone.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks everyone, hope you are having a great weekend.
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #2  December 3,2011, 10:15am
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What would be your end goal of having another conversation with her? Do you really think whatever she says will be that different than her email she sent? Email probably wasn't the best way to handle it, but methinks you were thinking it was way more serious than she was, so she didn't think anything of just sending an email to end what she thought was a casual fling.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  December 3,2011, 10:40am
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At some level, I'm sure you realize it is not about you...and therefore, may never get a straight answer about closure. She may have met someone or gone back to someone...which this hot /cold sudden late-night message has all the earmarks of....just be professional at work..and move on...Good Luck...
cardio1 wrote :
I had a girl break up with me about 2 weeks ago. We hadn't been going out for that long (worked together for a month, followed by about 3 weeks of seeing each other), but it was pretty intense (i.e. physical intimacy, very frequent contact on a daily basis).

late at night, receive an e-mail that, in summary, said "Hey, its not working for me, I'm really sorry because you are such a nice guy. I was lonely when we met, but I had a great time. If you want to talk about it, I'll be away on vacation for a week and we can talk when I get back".
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  December 3,2011, 11:31am
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If it will make you feel better do it for you. Just listen to what she has to say offer no input and then be on your way. If you let someone talk long enough you'll find out everything you need to know, especially if needing to know is important to you.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #5  December 3,2011, 11:40am
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Was it you or she that normally initiated the daily contact and what sort of contact was it? Why did the whole day go by the day before she broke things off, without any communication if that had been your norm?
 
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cardio1 is offline cardio1 Post #6  December 3,2011, 11:50am
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Hi everyone,

Thanks for the responses so far, everyone's input is greatly appreciated.

LDJ: It was normally her. In fact, with the exception of the day that she broke up with me, it was always her. As for why there had been no communication that day, well, your guess is as good as mine. I knew that she was busy at work that day and was going out that night with a good (female) friend, so, even though I thought it was a little weird, I just rolled with it.

Allie824: That's kind of my hope; thanks for the response.

Wiseman2: I don't disagree at all; her message does seem like something outside of the two of us came up. And you're also right; there's a part of me that does think that it has little to do with me personally, but there's another part of me that is genuinely curious as to if I did something wrong.

eharmonyjc: You make a good point, and it is one that I had also thought of. If that's the case, the point in asking her about it would be to find out how far off base I was. Thanks for the advice, though.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #7  December 3,2011, 12:13pm
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cardio1 wrote :
Hi everyone,

Thanks for the responses so far, everyone's input is greatly appreciated.

LDJ: It was normally her. In fact, with the exception of the day that she broke up with me, it was always her. As for why there had been no communication that day, well, your guess is as good as mine. I knew that she was busy at work that day and was going out that night with a good (female) friend, so, even though I thought it was a little weird, I just rolled with it.

Allie824: That's kind of my hope; thanks for the response.

Wiseman2: I don't disagree at all; her message does seem like something outside of the two of us came up. And you're also right; there's a part of me that does think that it has little to do with me personally, but there's another part of me that is genuinely curious as to if I did something wrong.

eharmonyjc: You make a good point, and it is one that I had also thought of. If that's the case, the point in asking her about it would be to find out how far off base I was. Thanks for the advice, though.
Somehow I had a hunch this was the case. She persued you at work, it sounds like she really liked you but you were not reciprocating the interest. Most girls don't want to be the ones always initiating communication.
 
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adventure1 is offline adventure1 Post #8  December 3,2011, 2:21pm
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This was great advise to someone issues. your right just listen. I find myself doing the same.
Thanks
Bill
 
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OmahaJoe is offline OmahaJoe Post #9  December 3,2011, 4:57pm
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cardio1 wrote :
Hi everyone,

Thanks for the responses so far, everyone's input is greatly appreciated.

LDJ: It was normally her. In fact, with the exception of the day that she broke up with me, it was always her. As for why there had been no communication that day, well, your guess is as good as mine. I knew that she was busy at work that day and was going out that night with a good (female) friend, so, even though I thought it was a little weird, I just rolled with it.

Allie824: That's kind of my hope; thanks for the response.

Wiseman2: I don't disagree at all; her message does seem like something outside of the two of us came up. And you're also right; there's a part of me that does think that it has little to do with me personally, but there's another part of me that is genuinely curious as to if I did something wrong.

eharmonyjc: You make a good point, and it is one that I had also thought of. If that's the case, the point in asking her about it would be to find out how far off base I was. Thanks for the advice, though.

First, if she'll do this to you, she'll do this to the other guy as well. (she will do this to you AGAIN if you give her the chance)

Even if she gives you feedback, what good is her information? She's basically a fire-bug - a pyromaniac with men's hearts! Including YOURS!

Whatever happens, have too much pride in yourself to embarrass yourself. No grovelling and no whining. It will give you a bad reputation for the next woman!

You weren't "off base" - You went into this in good faith and she stabbed you in the back when you weren't looking, and that says a lot more about HER than it does about you!
Last edited by OmahaJoe; December 3,2011 at 5:06pm.
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #10  December 3,2011, 5:19pm
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bet she was a Gemini
 
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