Men in Their 40s, Financial Stress, and Ex-Girlfriends

1. Men in their 40s: How do you view marriage and long-term commitment now that you are in your 40s and presumably divorced with children? Are you slower to commit to marriage?

I am more open to marriage in my future relationships than in the past. This is because I am more mature, and therefore believe I am better qualified to make a sound choice. I expect the same to be true of partners in my current demographic, as well.


Do you recognize the significance of the three words 'I love you' more so do you tend to wait longer before you say those words to make sure that you mean them? What do those three words mean to you? Do they mean merely that I like you very much and want to spend more time with you or do they mean long-term commitment to you?

I would make a "spending time" and "long term commitment (exclusivity)" decision far before any emotional attachment could have time to form.


Are the kinds of qualities that you are looking for in a woman to marry or have a long term relationship with now much different from the qualities you sought when you were in your 20s or 30s?

For me, they are exactly the same except similar occupational attainment is now a requirement of higher importance. (By my age, a compatible person is a settled person.)


2. Financial Stress: If you were a man in your 40s, with alimony and child support payments and have a business that you are struggling to take off the ground and therefore are having trouble making ends meet, how would you feel about being in a relationship with a woman who is doing much better than you in developing her career and her business?

I would expect her to dump me over this. (No woman in my experience would date beneath her own level of attainment; this "experience" includes women in the workplace, so it's larger than my own dataset.)

I'd probably still give the situation a chance, though. Getting dumped is not a significant loss - and I'd have had no chance at all if I took myself out of contention.


Would her success affect how you see her romantically? Would sex wane? Would you become distant?

The more successful someone is - at anything - the more attractive I find them. I like partners I respect.

Stress does cause a lessening of desire for sex on my part. That would not be due to the partner, however.


How would you want an ideal girlfriend to react to your struggling financial state? What should a girlfriend NOT do in this situation?

By protecting herself. Although if the hardship warrants, I would appreciate genorsity, I don't generally like the comcomitant obligations, and I consider a person more "commitment-worthy" if they understand they have to look out for themself. (Of note, the portion of my distress due to a government taking my money to subsidize an ex-spouse is not my failing.)

I would prefer a voluntary move to a lower consumption lifestyle; although I would refuse any choice I felt untenable in my circumstance, I would not mind if she did what she wanted (that I could not afford) on her own.

I would be likely to be receptive to decisions that have choice benefit, such as cohabiting.

I would look for and expect her to take a long view, and big-picture analysis. For example, if she runs a small legal practice focusing on bankruptcy, and I run one focusing on patents, her business is probably doing the best it ever has, while mine is likely suffering. That is more a cyclical factor than evidence of a fundemental incompatibility.

One thing I would not abide is criticism or nagging at me. I can, however, accept constructive feedback and evaluations of my decisions - particularly when they are related to her competancies.


3. Ex-Girlfriends: Since my boyfriend of 7 months divorced about 5 or 6 years ago, he has had one very serious live-in girlfriend of 4 years. I saw a photo of her, and she's really very stunning, and about 20 years his junior. I'm only about a decade younger than he is, lol. When I asked him whether he misses her, he was silent for a while and then he said yes. They split up because she was young and wanted a family of her own and didn't like his children that much. He said that they had good times, but had deal breakers that they could not overcome. Since his breakup with her about 2 years ago, he has had short term relationships with other women before he met me. Sometimes I wonder if he is harboring feelings about his ex-girlfriend and therefore is unable to fully commit emotionally to me.

I would not be afraid / concerned about this. That sounds like an honest answer, it's in the past, and these were some show-stopper deal-breakers.

As long as I am in an exclusive situation, I believe the simple passage of time will resolve all lingering thoughts of prior partners - for both of us.


He has not said I love you and for a while I did not think he was as affectionate and attentive as I would like. Since I had a discussion with him about my feelings about affection and attention, he has made a noticeable effort to be more affectionate and attentive. After we saw a movie a couple of days ago, however, about a romance between an older man and a much younger woman, he has not emailed me nor called me, although I have emailed and called him once. After watching the movie, it was harder to get him excited when in bed later that night, and sex was lackluster. This performance issue may also have to do with the fact that I'm kind of sick with a cough and it may also have to do with the fact that he expressed to me earlier in the evening about his stress regarding his finances. What do you think? I feel like this guy is a good guy, but I'm not sure if he really likes me/loves me or if he is just passing time with me.

I think this man is high risk. He's closed off, even with you, and it's been years.
You're not competing with his ex-girlfriend. You're competing with whatever demons his ex-wife left behind.

2. Financial Stress: If you were a man in your 40s, with alimony and child support payments and have a business that you are struggling to take off the ground and therefore are having trouble making ends meet, how would you feel about being in a relationship with a woman who is doing much better than you in developing her career and her business? Would her success affect how you see her romantically? Would sex wane? Would you become distant? How would you want an ideal girlfriend to react to your struggling financial state? What should a girlfriend NOT do in this situation?

3. Ex-Girlfriends: Since my boyfriend of 7 months divorced about 5 or 6 years ago, he has had one very serious live-in girlfriend of 4 years. I saw a photo of her, and she's really very stunning, and about 20 years his junior.After watching the movie, it was harder to get him excited when in bed later that night, and sex was lackluster.

1. Men in their 40s: How do you view marriage and long-term commitment now that you are in your 40s and presumably divorced with children? i view marriage as an honourable institution to be taken seriously. Are you slower to commit to marriage? yes, i was. Do you recognize the significance of the three words 'I love you' more so do you tend to wait longer before you say those words to make sure that you mean them? while my view of love has not changed, i am sure that my understanding of love has deepened. i had to find the right person before i uttered those words. but once i had found her, it did not take me long at all to say them. What do those three words mean to you? love is a commitment. a decision. a choice. Do they mean merely that I like you very much and want to spend more time with you or do they mean long-term commitment to you? "i love you" means that i am with you no matter what comes our way. it is not just a feeling. it is a commitment. Are the kinds of qualities that you are looking for in a woman to marry or have a long term relationship with now much different from the qualities you sought when you were in your 20s or 30s? not really. but i was pickier this time around.

2. Financial Stress: If you were a man in your 40s, with alimony and child support payments and have a business that you are struggling to take off the ground and therefore are having trouble making ends meet, how would you feel about being in a relationship with a woman who is doing much better than you in developing her career and her business? i am not sure as this does not define my situation. but if i were in the situation you just described, i'd probably not be looking for an LTR. Would her success affect how you see her romantically? Would sex wane? Would you become distant? How would you want an ideal girlfriend to react to your struggling financial state? What should a girlfriend NOT do in this situation? i'd say that you should probably not bring up finances much.

3. Ex-Girlfriends: Since my boyfriend of 7 months divorced about 5 or 6 years ago, he has had one very serious live-in girlfriend of 4 years. I saw a photo of her, and she's really very stunning, and about 20 years his junior. I'm only about a decade younger than he is, lol. When I asked him whether he misses her, he was silent for a while and then he said yes. They split up because she was young and wanted a family of her own and didn't like his children that much. He said that they had good times, but had deal breakers that they could not overcome. Since his breakup with her about 2 years ago, he has had short term relationships with other women before he met me. Sometimes I wonder if he is harboring feelings about his ex-girlfriend and therefore is unable to fully commit emotionally to me. He has not said I love you and for a while I did not think he was as affectionate and attentive as I would like. Since I had a discussion with him about my feelings about affection and attention, he has made a noticeable effort to be more affectionate and attentive. this to me is a sign that "he's just not that into you." if you had to talk to him about being affectionate, he probably isn't. or at least, not toward you. After we saw a movie a couple of days ago, however, about a romance between an older man and a much younger woman, he has not emailed me nor called me, although I have emailed and called him once. After watching the movie, it was harder to get him excited when in bed later that night, and sex was lackluster. This performance issue may also have to do with the fact that I'm kind of sick with a cough and it may also have to do with the fact that he expressed to me earlier in the evening about his stress regarding his finances. What do you think? I feel like this guy is a good guy, but I'm not sure if he really likes me/loves me or if he is just passing time with me.

What's wrong with him? Why did he waste so much of her time? Even though she let him, that was still a pretty mean thing to do.

He was old enough to know better.

why assume he wasted her time? perhaps it was she who wasted his. or maybe it took them both that length to figure things out and so wasted each other's.

after all, she too was presumably "old enough to know better..."'

?:-/