Men in Their 40s, Financial Stress, and Ex-Girlfriends

You have some harsh comments in your analysis of my relationship, but some of them are valid.
I no longer view the relationship as forever, but rather as a one year relationship with the potential for a renewable term if certain conditions are satisfied

Did not mean to offend. The relationship style and dynamic was a description of a scenario that often happens, but was not meant to describe your situation specifically, just parallels...since, surely, no one knows what goes on but you and he....

There is a common dance of control in a relationship like this one , covertly or overtly:

The style of the high-achieving , take-charge woman is overt:.... Break-ups, ultimatums, deadlines, lists, rules, etc. It is a more "in-your-face" style

The style of the perpetually inadequate, underachieving, not-quite-together man is covert:.......Forgetting, lame excuses, not-over-the-ex, silly transgressions, floundering financially, chronic unresolved "issues",etc. It is a more obstructionist style

The tighter you pull the reins to "get him up to par" by such-and-such date...the more he will resist, but not with confrontational style,... but with a "confused", "wounded" Mr. Nice guy who will forever be unavailable, inadequate, emotionally withdrawn and hung-up on something or another.

You can not change or fix him.. he will smile in your face, behave , make amends, apologize,etc......but.... then will withhold affection, "not be in love" , etc. So he will "get back at you" , one way or the other.

Food for thought....

I no longer view the relationship as forever, but rather as a one year relationship with the potential for a renewable term if certain conditions are satisfied, lol.

He hasn't been mean to me, hasn't hit me, hasn't cheated on me, hasn't lied to me, etc. He has a lot of other great qualities. When I am with him, I have a really nice time, and enjoy his company. If this is the case, why would I want to leave him?

If I were to dump him because he has the issues that you mentioned, I would find another guy with another set of issues. It's all about determining which issues we can deal with and which ones are deal breakers. I would much rather invest my time figuring out a way to compromise and deal with the issues that I have with this man rather than find another man with another set of issues if I think that this man is basically a good man with good character, and I still do despite some mistakes that he has made.

I agree with Wiseman that relationships can develop a certain dynamic, and from my perspective based on what you’ve written, yours seems headed down this path. Someone can be a huge success in one part of his/her life and yet be made to feel like a failure or a wayward child in another. The comment has little to do with his business prowess. You are adding stress at a time when his life is already very difficult. He may be clinging on because he doesn’t want a failure in both his professional and personal life, not because he is elated with the relationship.
He has dated and left plenty of women before he met me so he has no problem leaving when a relationship is not working for him. He left his last relationship because she was pretty, but not very interesting to talk to so I don't think he is with me because he doesn't want to be a failure in both. Also, he is not a failure in his professional life. You misread my posts. He is building a business, and thus is understandably financially stressed. If you have ever started a business from the ground up, you would know that typically it takes a few years before a business is on solid ground.

I don’t believe in making people change to become acceptable in a relationship. Either you love and accept someone as he or she is, warts and all, or you accept that the person is not right for you and let him go.

I don't think this is a realistic comment. I don't know anyone who has not compromised with their significant others on issues. That is not "changing" someone per se. When I asked him to call me whenever he is late, and he does so, that is doing what normal couples do when they are in relationship, they compromise with each other to make each other happy. I would not believe you if you told me that you were never unhappy with something that your significant other did and never asked him to not do that again.

How positively romantic! It’s not fair to a person to put him on a “timer,” "probation," or as you prefer, “renewable term” whether you tell the person this explicitly or not. I haven’t seen your other threads, but in this one, you clearly are unhappy with your boyfriend's behaviour, have been for some time, and remain so despite all the changes he has made for you. You talk about compromises. What you describe here are one-sided changes/sacrifices by him, not true compromise. You also seem unable to move beyond his "mistakes" even though he has changed as you requested.

You are clearly not reading my posts correctly. I have been arguing in my prior posts that his mistakes should be forgiven even when there are posters who have said that his actions should not be excused.


Well at least you're having a nice time. He has quite the job hiding his flaws and "issues" while making sure that he meets with your approval whenever you're together.

Please see my comments above. Your comments are way off base.

Also, how is any of this different from a platonic friendship? I personally want a lot more than this from a man that I’m in a relationship with for 8 months. We have a nice time, and he doesn’t abuse me just wouldn’t cut it.

He is a lot more than that, but in the post where I said that, I was trying to say that while he has flaws, I shouldn't give up on the relationship as some of the posters have insinuated. He is a great guy as I keep on saying in rebuttal to those posters who have been very harsh in their opinion of him. Thanks for berating me for being harsh on him when I have been trying to defend him against negative comments during this whole thread.

Is this the reason for staying? You worry that he is the best that you can get, so you’ll “settle" for now? We are all flawed. You should be able to love your partner for his flaws (and his goodness), not in spite of them (...with a year's probation to "meet certain conditions" of improvement). Either he's acceptable as is or he isn't. Trying to change someone is not conducive to relationship satisfaction and bodes poorly for the way you will relate to each other as time goes on.

Again, please see my comments above. He is the best because he is the best. I want to stay with him because I like him a lot. Did you really read all the posts because there is one where I list an exhaustive number of reasons why I like him. It is frustrating to defend myself against your comments when it seems clear to me that you have not read all the posts and are really being unfair in your comments.

Just my 2 cents...