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PumkinPie is offline PumkinPie Post #1  October 27,2011, 8:34pm
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I'll try to make this as brief as possible, but in hopes to get some honest feedback on this situation, I warn that it might be a little lengthy.

Began dating an old friend from highschool a couple of years ago. Last May (we had been officially dating a year), he asked me to help him change something on his FB page on his phone. While clicking through the options, we entered his messages. On the top of the list, there was a message from a lady. I really didn't think much about it (as he'd never given me the reason to suspect him in for anything) and went to exit out of the messages. He grabbed the phone from my hand nervously and deleted the message without opening it. Calling him out on his odd behavior, he confessed to having a friend ship with a lady he worked with - over 20 years his senior. He said that she occasionally sent him emails, texts, and fb messages (even though she's not a fb friend) that were "inappropriate". I asked him to clarify and he said she would comment his hair, his outfit that day, or make comments about how attractive he is. He assured me it was nothing more than a crush on this lady's part, that she was in a bad marriage and looking for attention. Additionally, he was honest about enjoying some of the attention she would show him. He said that other than her occasional flirts, he was not reciprocating and certainly was not having any sort of physical relationship with her. I do believe that there was nothing physical. He's not that kind of person and I've known him since we were kids. I let him know that it bothered me that she had his phone number and asked him if he would just put a stop to it on the basis that he was in a relationship. He agreed and told me soon after he had spoken to her about it.

Last October, while at his house, I picked up his phone (right in front of him, not snooping for anything) to pull up an app he had. There were a couple of text messages from this woman. She called him baby, and asked him to send her a pic of his halloween costume. This obviously caused some hard feelings. Again, he told me he would set her straight.

The issue arose again this past April. He told me that she had text him to tell him about her divorce and he responded, which led to a full conversation. He felt badly, knowing that the other times had bothered me and wanted to be up front. I asked him to show me the conversation. He briefly pulled up the text thread. All I saw was, "Is it because of "my name"?. His response indicated something about having a lot of household obligations. I never saw the rest of the conversation, but suspected that he never did tell her to stop as he told me twice before. He admitted that he hadn't. He explained that this person was in a position in his company to tell him things about what was happening in the department that he is routinely called to consult on. That he has to keep up this friendship with her in order to gain confidence and advice on what was happening. He said that he couldn't completely tell this woman to go away because of that. Again, maintaining that there is no untoward behavior on his part. Even knowing that he is a generally honest and respectible person, I doubted him. He asked me how he could prove to me what he was saying was true. I decided to ask him to show me his cell phone record and he obliged. He pulled up his call log on his computer and scrolled through it while I observed. Up until this point, he said that she initiated all of the contact, that he rarely responded and that he didn't encourage the inappropriate behavior. As he scrolled through only a month's worth of records, it showed that he was calling her on average once a week after work. The calls were short. He said that he called her to discuss work situations. He said he has never been out socially with her, for which I have no proof for or against. At this point, he had proven that he had been lying to me this entire time about a relationship with this woman. He admitted to knowing that she had some emotional tie to him despite the fact that he did not reciprocate. I decided to end it that day. I was heartbroken. In the couple of years we were together, he had become the love of my life.

We spent 3 months apart before starting to talk again. I dated during the break, he did not. And I do know for sure that he did not see anyone during that time.

Until last week, the last few months since we've been back together have been wonderful. We've discussed this woman since getting back together and he said that they don't talk anymore, mostly because of what happened because of it before. He hasn't given me reason to doubt him on that.

On Friday, he got a text while we were at my house. Being the nosy girlfriend, I joked, "ooh, who's that?" figuring it was his brother. He said it was his friend he had had a drink with earlier and he was texting him that he was home. Instantly, I knew this wasn't true. I asked him if he was lying and he said no, then directly changed the subject and went off on a half-hour long rant about work. When he was done, I preemptively apologized and told him again that I didn't believe that it was his friend who text him. He said, no, it wasn't. I knew it would only be one person, and it was. He showed me the text, which was a respose of "Cool", with no preceding texts. He explained that a group of people at work had asked him to join them at the bar this upcoming week (tomorrow) to meet an ex-coworker. She text him later to ask if he was going. He said he responded, "Sure, why not" and her response was "Cool". I asked him not to attend if she would be there. He agreed and responded to the text that he couldn't make it because he had plans with me. She responded with "Are you kidding me?" and then immediately following, "Lose my number". About an hour later, she responded, "Are you ok?". We had a nice long argument about this, as this is clearly inappropriate. He said he was just as surprised and disturbed by her response as I was, and feared he might have a "situation" on his hands at work. He spent the evening at my house and there were no more texts, and no calls.

He said he spoke to her on Monday about the situation and said she apologized and that she wouldn't contact him on a personal level anymore.

He has repeatedly indicated that this person is nothing more than a coworker, has offered to change his number and that there is absolutely nothing going on. Because of past instances where he clearly lied about putting a stop to this, I have reservations. Other than this particular situation, our relationship is great. I want to have faith in him that he's telling me the truth, but I guess it's hard to have when he's lied in the past. I would like some honest feedback on this situation. He's a good person, well liked/loved by friends and family, and I can believe that he is incapable of cheating. I'm just confused about this and don't want to end up completely ruining it by beating a dead horse. I couldn't get a hold of him for about an hour today and got really anxious about it. He was just in his garage working on his tractor. By not letting this go, if it is warranted, I risk losing him because of the insecurities this situation has caused me to have. Please help!
Last edited by PumkinPie; October 27,2011 at 8:50pm.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is online now Dropdeadredtx Post #2  October 27,2011, 8:39pm
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Paragraphs are your friend....please put in paragraphs and breaks, I couldn't get through this one! Thanks.
 
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PumkinPie is offline PumkinPie Post #3  October 27,2011, 8:51pm
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Sorry, I know it was long. Tried to break it up a bit.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  October 27,2011, 9:54pm
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PumkinPie wrote :
He has repeatedly indicated that this person is nothing more than a coworker, has offered to change his number and that there is absolutely nothing going on. Because of past instances where he clearly lied about putting a stop to this, I have reservations. Other than this particular situation, our relationship is great. I want to have faith in him that he's telling me the truth, but I guess it's hard to have when he's lied in the past. I would like some honest feedback on this situation. He's a good person, well liked/loved by friends and family, and I can believe that he is incapable of cheating. I'm just confused about this and don't want to end up completely ruining it by beating a dead horse. I couldn't get a hold of him for about an hour today and got really anxious about it. He was just in his garage working on his tractor. By not letting this go, if it is warranted, I risk losing him because of the insecurities this situation has caused me to have. Please help!
Have you ever met any of his coworkers? It would be worth your while to go with him to a happy hour after work to see how he and she behave... and also so she can meet you and observe that you and he are a couple in person.

You have very good reason to be concerned, so don't go labeling what you feel as "insecurities." He has lied to you repeatedly about her in the past and so you have no way to know whether he is being truthful now. He even admitted that he enjoyed her flirtations, and you know he initiates their communications sometimes. You could take him up on the offer to change his phone number, but since they work together you have no way to know what really goes on there (and he could just as easily give her his new number.) Probably better to ask him to block her number from his phone. Any legitimate work-related communication can take place during business hours.

If his current story is true (that he's told her to stop), her behavior is sexual harassment. He may not feel comfortable lodging such a complaint at work, but he should point this out to her with a final, emphatic "don't contact me any more." It seems doubtful that whatever work related "scoop" she could give him is worth all this.

Because of his past lies to you about her, he needs to be 110% transparent about all contact with her to you in order to attempt to restore trust. He may not be "guilty" here (physically carrying on with her), but he is certainly not innocent, either.

By the way, ANY person is capable of cheating given the right circumstances. And there are more ways to cheat other than physically.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  October 27,2011, 10:33pm
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I think you have a problem on your hands. At the very least, your guy has a big issue: he does not know how to put limits on relationships with other women.

And, the 2 of you together have another big issue: he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, rather than the truth.

This could be just his issue: he's a liar; or it could be something in the dynamic of your relationship with him -- it's easy to imagine a man who takes the easy way out if his girlfriend makes life hell everytime he tells her something she doesn't want to hear. (Not saying you do that -- just making the point that this could be a problem between the 2 of you, not just his problem.)

At the very worst, of course, he is cheating or has been cheating.

His behavior has damaged your trust in him -- and if your post is accurate, and you haven't left anything important out of it, I think you're being reasonable to doubt him.

If you want to be able to trust him again, the 2 of you have some work to do.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #6  October 28,2011, 5:27am
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There is no reason to trust a chronic liar. He has you so focused and obsessed with his texting /flirting games and gets off on trying to make you jealous.

Read below "anxious" about it. There is no way to stop this guy's silly egotistical cat and mouse games...if it's not the "poor lonely co-worker"... it will be some other threat he'll conjure up to boost his ego at your expense. he already has you thinking you have "trust issues", "jealousy issues" and other "defects", where in fact the defect is in his integrity.

Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Not trusting an untrustworthy person is not a failure in your part as he would like you to think....Good Luck...
PumkinPie wrote :
Because of past instances where he clearly lied about putting a stop to this, I have reservations. Other than this particular situation, our relationship is great.
I want to have faith in him that he's telling me the truth, but I guess it's hard to have when he's lied in the past. He's a good person, well liked/loved by friends and family, and I can believe that he is incapable of cheating. . I couldn't get a hold of him for about an hour today and got really anxious about it. He was just in his garage working on his tractor.
"Some people experience love as a game to be played with other people’s emotions. The goal or desire is to gain control over a partner through manipulation. People who experience love this way like to have multiple love interests where they are in complete control. Lying, cheating and deception are common for people who experience love as this – it’s all part of the game. For people who experience love as this way, it is satisfying to outwit a partner and exploit his or her weak spots"
Last edited by Wiseman2; October 28,2011 at 5:33am.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #7  October 28,2011, 5:57am
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Where there's smoke there's fire. These 2 have been carrying on some sort of relationship your bf has found it necessary to lie about. That would be enough for me not to trust him.

I'm also curious whether you've spent time with his coworkers. Does he include you in office events?
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #8  October 28,2011, 6:19am
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You should have reservations. Here are what I see as the largest problems:

- He lied about her to you in the first place. Based on what you've shared, it doesn't sound like you make it hard for him to tell the truth- you have normal reactions, you even gave him the benefit of the doubt several times. Lying may just be a big part of who he is. (Sassafras make an excellent point above though- it doesn't excuse the liars behavior, but it helps explain it.)

- He lied to you AFTER you got back together- this is the biggie. He already lost you once because of his lies, and at the first opportunity he lies again? Repeatedly? to your face?? Not good.

- She told him to 'lose her number'. Folks don't say that to people who are not contacting them. As you saw for yourself with the phone records, he contacts her. He almost certainly contacted her during your break, which is why she was so surprised that he was cancelling plans to be with you.

- She texted him back to ask if he was okay- his comment (about choosing to be with you) was so out of the norm she likely guessed that you were either using his phone or sitting right there making him write those texts. These are not the actions of a woman who is not in a reciprocal type of relationship.

I'm afraid that nothing has changed from when you first broke up. You have no reason to believe he has spoken to her about not calling anymore, and if anything you are getting more and more evidence that their relationship was not as one sided as he led you to believe. He may be a good guy in a lot of ways, but if you can't trust him to tell you the truth, and you can't, is it worth it?

This is a tough spot to be in..I know. I feel for you, and I wish you the best.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #9  October 28,2011, 6:29am
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PumkinPie wrote :
I asked him not to attend if she would be there. He agreed and responded to the text that he couldn't make it because he had plans with me. She responded with "Are you kidding me?" and then immediately following, "Lose my number". About an hour later, she responded, "Are you ok?".
He's told her that you're a witch. There aren't many other conclusions you can draw from that exchange.

Addition: She's probably passed that opinion on, so keep it in mind when you meet his co-workers. Be extra nice to everyone so they'll assume she's just jealous. :-P
Last edited by harnomygirl; October 28,2011 at 7:01am.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  October 28,2011, 6:29am
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Why do you feel so threatened by a woman who is old enough to be his mother????

People flirt, joke around, co-workers have inside jokes running and socialize with each other all the time. Makes the work more fun and does develop relationships and connections when you need them at work. At the same time those same people aren't running around cheating and have healthy relationships with their SO's.

Thinking about what's on my phone, taken out of context some of those messages could really come across the wrong way and yet in reality there is nothing there. Just a week ago someone in the office was running around looking for his ringing phone, not realizing the phone is in his pants. You can only imagine the raunchy jokes and comments going on and being texted all over the place about that. If you didn't know the whole story and just read what's on the phone....well..... That's really the problem with reading texts or e-mails - you are walking into some fraction of the conversation and don't have the whole picture.

So, I do agree with others, that you need go to the happy hour with his co-workers, especially when this woman is around and see what's what for yourself. Get the full picture, not just fractions of it.

Also, I find it interesting that you keep saying how you know he is not the type to cheat, yet you are totally flipped out about this woman and don't trust him. So what is it? Is he the type to cheat or not? OR is it something much bigger in your relationship than that - a lack of emotional connection and the fact that when push comes to shove, he won't stand by your side and you are not really #1 woman in his life??? Think about it. What's the real issue here?
 
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