Active today - while we are seeing eachother


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Pam2Pam is offline Pam2Pam Post #1  October 27,2011, 6:08am
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Wondering why relationships are so complicated

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Hi eH Community,

I need advice. I started to see this guy from eH recently (5 weeks or so). Things are going really well. We spend lots of time together, when we are not together we are exchanges texts frequently. I think he likes me, we have good talks, great laughs and great physical connection.

We have not had the "talk" yet about exclusivity, but I felt I don't want to rush things and anyway not sure when/how/who to bring this topic up.

Anyhow, the problem is that I logged into eH from curiosity 2 weeks ago, and then I clicked on his profile and it said, "Active today" Ups. So I have run some other "rutin" checks to ensure it was not a one-time thing, like mine. Nope, his profile says "Active today" every time I check it.

Now what? I know, checking on the first hand was my mistake, it shows distust, but what's done is done, cannot change it after the fact. But what should I do? Initiate the exclusivity talk? Make a funny joke about it? Nothing, relax, give time to him/me/us and see where this goes over time? Or? Let me know your thoughts, i know I am not alone in this situation.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #2  October 27,2011, 6:18am
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is happier than if it was a 'no boss Friday' going into a three-day weekend... :-)

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I don't understand how peeps feel comfortable getting nekkid w/ someone but don't feel comfortable talking about their boundaries... as in being exclusive if you're banging each other...
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  October 27,2011, 6:23am
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Yeah, bring up the exclusivity talk. Definitely.

Some people may argue that it's a bit too soon, but at five weeks you should've had some discussion by now about what you're looking for. So yeah, ask him.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #4  October 27,2011, 6:24am
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enjoying NYC.

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Pam2Pam wrote :
...

We have not had the "talk" yet about exclusivity, but I felt I don't want to rush things and anyway not sure when/how/who to bring this topic up.

... Nope, his profile says "Active today" every time I check it. ...
If you are not ready to "rush things", you should not be bothered that he is on eH or any other dating site.

But, if your viewpoint is changed now, go ahead and have the talk. You say you have a great connection, so should not be an issue.
 
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Swirlndia is offline Swirlndia Post #5  October 27,2011, 6:35am
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5 weeks is nothing when comparing to a long-term relationship. Why not let him do whatever he wants to do if you still don't want to rush things as you say. Yes, he may still be looking around and comparing you to others. In the meantime, let him realize you're the best thing that happened to him
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #6  October 27,2011, 6:47am
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is happier than if it was a 'no boss Friday' going into a three-day weekend... :-)

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Swirlndia wrote :
5 weeks is nothing when comparing to a long-term relationship. Why not let him do whatever he wants to do if you still don't want to rush things as you say. Yes, he may still be looking around and comparing you to others. In the meantime, let him realize you're the best thing that happened to him
Totally agree w/ your first statement; however, I think this is exactly how (men and women... but more specifically women) end up posting threads like... 'When/why won't he commit?'

If the OP doesn't want to rush and is happy w/ the status quo, there's no need for a discussion. My guess is that she assumed (b/c they were having sex) that they were also exclusive. She found him active on a dating site and is now concerned. She is getting emotionally invested in the relationship and he is still searching. Her not wanting to rush has less to do w/ rushing and more to do w/ fear of pushing him away too early.

OP, you are the other 50% of this... you have to be comfortable, too. If you're not, might as well put it out there and see what happens. My guess is if he doesn't want to cease his search it has little/nothing to do w/ "rushing." He is getting his cake and eating it, too... and you are allowing it.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  October 27,2011, 6:52am
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Exclusivity needs to be discussed before you hop into bed with the guy. So that conversation is long past due and hardly too soon.

I wouldn't approach it as "I saw you still active on a dating site" confrontation, but rather an adult conversation about where we are at and are we on the same page about not seeing others. In fact be certain that you are calm and non confrontational so that if you two are not on the same page, he feels safe to tell you that. This is something you absolutely do want and need to know.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  October 27,2011, 7:01am
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Special-K wrote :
I don't understand how peeps feel comfortable getting nekkid w/ someone but don't feel comfortable talking about their boundaries... as in being exclusive if you're banging each other...
DancingFool wrote :
Exclusivity needs to be discussed before you hop into bed with the guy. So that conversation is long past due and hardly too soon.
I guess this proves that women are much better at reading each others' minds than men are.

I wasn't sure that
Pam2Pam wrote :
...great physical connection.
meant that they were banging each other.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #9  October 27,2011, 7:07am
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tweet37 wrote :
I guess this proves that women are much better at reading each others' minds than men are.

I wasn't sure that

meant that they were banging each other.
Reading minds, nah!

Reading between the lines... oh, yeah!
 
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Swirlndia is offline Swirlndia Post #10  October 27,2011, 7:15am
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Special-K wrote :
Totally agree w/ your first statement; however, I think this is exactly how (men and women... but more specifically women) end up posting threads like... 'When/why won't he commit?'

If the OP doesn't want to rush and is happy w/ the status quo, there's no need for a discussion. My guess is that she assumed (b/c they were having sex) that they were also exclusive. She found him active on a dating site and is now concerned. She is getting emotionally invested in the relationship and he is still searching. Her not wanting to rush has less to do w/ rushing and more to do w/ fear of pushing him away too early.

She said "I think he likes me, we have good talks, great laughs and great physical connection."

I didn't read this if they were already having sex. If they do, then yes, mentioning the exclusivity from both sides would be nice.


To Pam2Pam:
If you're sleeping together, you should be close and comfortable enough to tell him that you're not seeing or talking to anyone anymore. See what his response is. But I wouldn't ask him for any promises or commitments at this point. His response will tell you more about him, act accordingly.
 
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