Effect of time on Commitment


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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #1  October 26,2011, 6:10pm
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I heard something on the radio while driving to work this morning, that made me think about this and want to gather more input from all of you. A "relationship expert" was saying that normally for most poeple commitment deepens over time.

I got to thinking that for me this isn't true. I don't seem to feel emotions quantatively but rather qualitatively, as in, once I decide I love someone than I just do, I don't love them more after five years than I did after one year. I'm thinking of all relationships here, long term good friends, old bfs, my ex-husband too.

The reason the radio show caught my ear, was that what the expert was saying seems to apply to my current relationship, in that my bf shows deepening commitment as time moves along, wanting to invest more time and energy now after one year than he did at say 4 months. For me, its almost the opposite, in the beginning I am gunghoe to get to know a person I've decided I really like and then that enthusiasm sort of tempers a bit. But it seems I am an outlier here, just wondered what is typcial with all of you and what your experiences have been?
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #2  October 26,2011, 6:19pm
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I'd say I'm more like you, in that my desire/love for someone peaks rather quickly and then plateaus over time.

I can't say that there's anyone in my life that I love more now than when I first loved them.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  October 26,2011, 7:00pm
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LDJ wrote :
For me, its almost the opposite, in the beginning I am gunghoe to get to know a person I've decided I really like and then that enthusiasm sort of tempers a bit. But it seems I am an outlier here, just wondered what is typcial with all of you and what your experiences have been?
I gain momentum for at least 10 years and then after that...it's more a conscious choice to love born of respect and admiration of his character.

I have found...there is always something new to be learned about a person. For me, that is the very best part of living day-in, day-out with somebody for many, many years.

The discovery is the journey.

I think when a couple loses the ability to find a partner unique among others...that is when a marriage will sink into ennui.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; October 26,2011 at 7:04pm.
 
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HowICIt is offline HowICIt Post #4  October 26,2011, 7:25pm

This is just how this female sees it. Your mileage may vary.

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LDJ wrote :

as in, once I decide I love someone than I just do, I don't love them more after five years than I did after one year.
I got to this part and I thought, how is that possible? I know someone better at five years than one year; people are too complex to not understand them better at five years than one year. So then, I thought, I must equate loving someone with time to better knowing them/understanding them more with time.

So that thought was going through my mind and then I read...

LDJ wrote :
For me, its almost the opposite, in the beginning I am gunghoe to get to know a person I've decided I really like and then that enthusiasm sort of tempers a bit. But it seems I am an outlier here, just wondered what is typcial with all of you and what your experiences have been?
And I find that interesting. Why does that enthusiasm temper off?

Whether friends or boyfriends or every day acquaintances, I like finding out what people think. I like finding out what makes them tick. Especially in people I care about, I am truly interested in knowing how and why we differ.

So it makes me wonder, why do you cut off your enthusiasm? Is it that you are no longer enthused in finding out about them? Are you more disappointed the more you know?

Or are people not interesting anymore after a certain time period?

Or something else entirely?

Interesting...
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #5  October 26,2011, 7:36pm
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When the "enthusiasm" and desire taper off, I think it is generally considered to have been lust rather than love. That would explain not caring more for them after time wears on. You don't love them; it's just the rush of the lust is over and you still generally like them but you're not in love.
 
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HowICIt is offline HowICIt Post #6  October 26,2011, 7:40pm

This is just how this female sees it. Your mileage may vary.

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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
When the "enthusiasm" and desire taper off, I think it is generally considered to have been lust rather than love. That would explain not caring more for them after time wears on. You don't love them; it's just the rush of the lust is over and you still generally like them but you're not in love.
That is a reasonable explanation; I can see that being true in many cases.
Last edited by HowICIt; October 26,2011 at 7:42pm. Reason: Not sure if it applies to LDJ- her posts have seemed to me to be more analytical about her bf than lustful. Still...
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #7  October 26,2011, 8:21pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I gain momentum for at least 10 years and then after that...it's more a conscious choice to love born of respect and admiration of his character.

I have found...there is always something new to be learned about a person. For me, that is the very best part of living day-in, day-out with somebody for many, many years.

The discovery is the journey.

I think when a couple loses the ability to find a partner unique among others...that is when a marriage will sink into ennui.

j8a
Will you marry me?


Okay, what I was thinking and J8a said (but put a little differently I think) is that Love is a habitual thing. In the beginning, it is the fruit of what you have programmed / allowed yourself to be programmed / learned to desire. With time and work (aka perpetual reminding) it grows bigger and stronger.

With L (oh gawd, there she is again), my love notes and everything I did for her were not just reminders to her that I loved her and why I loved her, but reminders to myself (which evidently I have carved so deeply into the stone they are hard to erase... have been searching for the "jackhammer" of someone better, have chipped a bit, but no luck as of yet) of why and how much I love her.

So yes, it should grow stronger and bigger, but that is up to you and how much you want to work at it. A seed watered on open ground will start, but unfed it will whither and die.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf5UfOuvQHQ
Last edited by olneyjeeps; October 26,2011 at 8:29pm.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  October 27,2011, 3:04am
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I think you are all way off-base here.

"Commitment", in this case, has nothing to do with feelings or "loving someone more" on day 375 vs day 374.

I think the intention of the 'expert' was to basically say, "the longer you are with someone, the more you have to lose if it was to end" - if in nothing more than time lost as it is our most precious commodity - so most people tend to become more 'committed' to seeing a successful outcome and not just bailing at the first sign of a yellow flag.

Look at it this way ...you are married to someone - that's 'committed', right? ...but you don't have any children, share any bank accounts/financials, each of you own your own car, you rent a house/apartment that is relatively easy to get out of, etc.

Now, imagine the same situation ...you are married, but this time, you have children together, share bank accounts/financials, have cars and a house with sizable payments with both of your names on the titles, etc.

Which situation would you be more 'committed' to (possibly even overlooking/ignoring major red-flag indiscretions)?
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #9  October 27,2011, 3:44am
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For me, it's not that I "love" them more. It's that, as time goes by, I get to know the person better and I discover more aspects of the person *to love*.

I think the opposite is true too. You might love someone but as time goes by, you get to know the person better and discover more aspects of the person *to hate* (or just not love). Which is why people can be in love one moment and fall out of love the next. Because the hate overwhelms the love.

But, yeah, I fall into the camp of loving someone more as time goes by. That doesn't mean my initail "I love you" is not genuine.

Then by Brad Paisley - love this song but can never listen to it cause it always makes me sad and cry. *sniff - stupid country music taunting me with what I've never had*
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  October 27,2011, 5:53am
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Agree......... more about chemistry, novelty and rosy glow here:
Wonderwoman402 wrote :
When the "enthusiasm" and desire taper off, I think it is generally considered to have been lust rather than love. it's just the rush of the lust is over and you still generally like them but you're not in love.
Completely agree post below.....the deeper one is involved in something and the greater the investment of time, energy, money, etc...the more there is to lose and the greater the "commitment" to that and to make it "work"...
BikerBeagle wrote :
I think the intention of the 'expert' was to basically say, "the longer you are with someone, the more you have to lose if it was to end" - if in nothing more than time lost as it is our most precious commodity - so most people tend to become more 'committed' to seeing a successful outcome and not just bailing at the first sign of a yellow flag.
 
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