bit of cold feet before wedding... seeking wisdom from happily married members.


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reenz is offline reenz Post #1  October 24,2011, 5:50am
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Hi all. I don't know if there are many married people here to respond to my post, but I thought I'd try here, as this site used to be very helpful to me during my dating days.

I am just over 3 weeks away from marrying a truly amazing guy. I'm 30 years of age, and he is almost 27. He is perfect husband material. He is attractive, kind, attentive, patient, even-tempered, thoughtful and romantic. He brings me flowers, pays for everything, is completely devoted to me, is a great cook and loves to make food for me, and he has never ever lost his temper since I started talking to him over a year ago. He nurtures me and comforts any insecurities I have. I am overweight (and he's not), yet he tells me that I'm so beautiful. He cares for my family and wants to be a great son to my parents as well. We also have similar lifestyles and goals. He always puts my wishes ahead of his own. I truly can't imagine spending my life with someone who cares for me more than he does, and he is truly a refreshing change to the emotionally unavailable guys I previously was involved with. Although I am a good partner to him, I know he still brings a whole lot more to the table than I do... even though from his perspective, he says he can't imagine being with someone better for him than me.

To give some more important background info: My fiance lives in India, as he was born and raised there. We started talking online over a year ago, and then I travelled to India and we spent a few months together this summer before getting engaged. He comes from a small (i.e. non-progressive) city in India which still holds very conservative ideals. However, my fiance is of the younger generation and is educated, and he is extremely open-minded to new things.

Although I am happy and planning to go forwards with this marriage, there is something that has been troubling me since I have known him. Being a medical student myself, I tend to be wildly attracted to brainy, introspective science-types... and if I can have witty banter with the person, all the better. My fiance is not very good with science or math, but instead studied law and business. His intelligence is very average, but he has made up for it (even by being the top student in his law school) through sheer hard work. He is currently an instructor at a local college in his area, as well as being a part-time student working on his second master's degree. As far as the witty banter goes, my fiance doesn't get that sort of conversation at all. Sarcasm completely goes over his head as he will take everything literally. He has more of a playful goofball sense of humor... it's not really funny, but he makes me smile due to his enthusiasm and playfulness. He is fluent in English and happens to be one of the best English speakers in his small city, but his English grammar is not very good (i.e. problems with punctuation, capitalization, etc). His writing would make someone who doesn't know him assume he is far less educated than he actually is.

The thing I find a bit frustrating is that he is very knowlegable about topics (esp. politics, as he reads his newspaper often), but he tends to regurgitate information more than analyze info. If I send him an article to read with more subtle nuances, he won't get the author's deeper meaning. When we were dating, he understood that I was attracted to more intellectual types, and so he tried to improve the quality of our conversation, by bringing up topics related to God, politics, religion, health, etc - as these topics were of interest to him too. However, when we were having a discussion he would summarize his point in a few sentences and not have much more to say on them (while I wanted a more drawn out discussion). As another example, I previously took a topic from eHarmony advice that seems to cause so much contention here: 'Should men be the one to pay for dates with women?' and asked my fiance his views on this topic. His answer was "Of course men should pay. Women are like flowers, and they should be treated properly, with all the kindness. My mom always taught me to treat women well, and as a guy I feel it is my duty to pay, which is why I pay when we go out together." That was pretty much his answer, while I wanted a more back-and-forth debate with him. I really wish he were more insightful and introspective.

Even though I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have such as dear man in my life, and have no intention of throwing such a good thing away... the nagging feelings of discomfort are there. I've talked over this issue with my therapist, and she says that she thinks things will change once he gets to the US. His life exposures are really limited as he grew up in such a small city, and that he has lived with his family. (In India, grown men live with their parents as it's part of the culture. However, they aren't dependent on their parents financially at all, as these guys work and are fully contributing members.) So once he comes here to the US away from his family and has a life with me, she thinks that he will just expand his viewpoint greatly, especially as he is open-minded and not set in his ways at all.

I just wanted to ask the views of others here who have been happily married and have some good advice from me... not some jaded single folk who want to send me snarly unhelpful messages about how "he's too good for me" etc. I have very limited relationship experience as he was my first boyfriend before we got engaged, so I don't really know what makes for good relationships, and if these are just part of the normal differences between couples. My counselor has also told me that no one is 'perfect' in every area (I certainly am not, and my fiance loves me anyway). And he is pretty much 'perfect' in nearly every other area of being a partner. So I just wanted to ask people's thoughts about this. The wedding is in India in 3 weeks, and he's been the one coordinating all the planning there, which is really sweet of him.

Thanks so much to anyone who has managed to read this long piece.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #2  October 24,2011, 6:00am
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His intelligence isn't average but his imagination is. There are many people like that and they tend to be very controlling. I think you should understand and accept that before you marry him.

With enough love and compromise on your part, the marriage can still be successful.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #3  October 24,2011, 6:22am
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I'm old enough to be your mom, I had a long happy marriage and I'm happily engaged now.

There are several things that trouble me here.

It sounds like You're marrying a man you've spent little real time with. Why the hurry? 1 year and a single trip to India? You could not possibly know enough to make this serious of a commitment. He comes from a VERY different culture, and his sense of humor being different is just a small example.

Next is that you brought your weight into the discussion. In spite of being a clearly very smart med school student, you seem to imply that your weight will prevent you from doing better here. I'd really advise you to get a handle on your self esteem issues before marrying.

I'm also concerned with this man's intentions. Pretty much everyone in India and many other countries want Green Cards. How exactly did the 2 of you meet online? Were you looking for foreign men and if yes why?

What do your friends and family think of this? Why is the wedding in India? Have you thought through what the possibilities career wise for an average Indian national will be in the US during this massive recession? Are you prepared to support him?

I think you are worried for good reasons. Listen to your gut and do not rush into this.
Last edited by beachgirl5; October 24,2011 at 6:25am.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  October 24,2011, 6:29am
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Well, I used to be married and I'm not snarky and jaded so maybe I can offer a couple things to consider. The following two things caught my eye.
reenz wrote :
.... As far as the witty banter goes, my fiance doesn't get that sort of conversation at all. Sarcasm completely goes over his head as he will take everything literally. He has more of a playful goofball sense of humor... it's not really funny, but he makes me smile due to his enthusiasm and playfulness. He is fluent in English and happens to be one of the best English speakers in his small city, but his English grammar is not very good (i.e. problems with punctuation, capitalization, etc). His writing would make someone who doesn't know him assume he is far less educated than he actually is.

The thing I find a bit frustrating is that he is very knowlegable about topics (esp. politics, as he reads his newspaper often), but he tends to regurgitate information more than analyze info. If I send him an article to read with more subtle nuances, he won't get the author's deeper meaning. When we were dating, he understood that I was attracted to more intellectual types, and so he tried to improve the quality of our conversation, by bringing up topics related to God, politics, religion, health, etc - as these topics were of interest to him too. However, when we were having a discussion he would summarize his point in a few sentences and not have much more to say on them (while I wanted a more drawn out discussion).

It's quite possible that there's a bit of language barrier affecting his responses. I know you said he's fluent in English, and English USED TO BE the official language there, but he's probably more familiar with one or more of dozens of languages spoken there and doesn't understand the subtleties of our humor. Most other cultures just don't get it. And it may also explain the shortness of his responses to deeper subjects that would require an understanding of the underlying nuances of some of the subjects that you are discussing.

....I have very limited relationship experience as he was my first boyfriend before we got engaged, so I don't really know what makes for good relationships, and if these are just part of the normal differences between couples.
This last paragraph waved a red flag at me. You've known no one else in a romantic sense? I'm not saying that a person's first romantic experience is doomed, but without sampling what else is out there, I wouldn't have been so quick to make a decision as you have. We wish you the best.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  October 24,2011, 6:41am
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I'm widowed now three years from a second marriage "happy" enough...I haven't decided whether I even want to go "there" again with somebody new. Even my first marriage was "good enough" I could have stayed there forever...if I wanted to settle for "good enough".

Both husbands were vastly different from each other. If I am ever to have a third...there is not a doubt in my mind he will be just as "different" as the others.

I think the most important thing a person can bring to a marriage (other than being head-over-heels in love to where you want to shout it from the rooftops) is that you be able to "accept" the other. We must "accept" and even appreciate their very "differences".

Second (from the woman's side) is that she respect and admire her husband. Respect and Admiration are huge...and terribly underrated.

So, if a woman is in love with her husband, can "accept" him, and respects and admires him among all other men...she can be "happy" with that man for the rest of her life.

Good Luck; I hope the things I have spoken to that a woman should feel..."fit" for you.

j8a
 
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savman is offline savman Post #6  October 24,2011, 6:42am
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beachgirl brought up many things I was going to write about. There are a number of red flags here to me and I would also advise you to listen to your friends and family on this one. They know you, and love you and know your situation much better than we do.

There is a huge chance that, first and foremost, you are his ticket out of India.

You also have to know that a year is pretty quick for people who live in the same town and see each other several times a week for that year. I would think someone who lives on the other side of the planet and are from a very different culture should take longer to get to know, not shorter.

In the end it is up to you how much risk you take, but you have to know this is a very big gamble.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  October 24,2011, 8:34am
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English is not my native language, so I do have some insight into some of your issues. Sarcasm and wit are the types of humor that rely on play on words and subtle nuances and alternative meanings. On top of that, those subtle nuances and meanings are influenced by local culture and politics. So it's virtually impossible for someone living abroad and without full mastery of English to grasp those nuances and that kind of humor. It's literally flying 50 miles above his head and that has nothing to do with his intelligence or personal sense of humor. Even once he is in the US, it will be quite some time before he starts to grasp some of it.

Unfortunately, a failure to grasp these witty subtleties and respond accordingly, can make even the sharpest person appear a bit stupid. You yourself have fallen into that trap where you are presuming him to be less intelligent than he actually is. I don't care how hard someone works, they are not going to be top of the class in law, unless they have a sharp, analytical mind by nature. Someone can work really hard and get by, but they won't be top of the class.

As for you sending him a "controversial" topic to discuss and being disappointed about his quick response. Quite frankly, outside of these boards, it's hardly a controversial topic. You'll find that most men out there have long ago made up their minds about how they feel and what they do and don't feel like it's anything even worth discussing. This is my way of saying that you've picked a silly topic with him and you being unhappy with a straightforward answer actually says something about you rather than him. Why can't you accept and respect a straightforward answer? Also, some food for thought - heated debates are a result of different opinions and values. While it can be entertaining, it's not exactly good to have in a relationship where you actually want similar values. You can always get that kind of entertainment elsewhere.

Overall, I do think that once he is in the US and surrounded by US culture and language, you will see a lot of changes in him. However, be prepared for a lot of "what does that mean?", "why is this funny", etc. Remember that humor is highly cultural and if you are not part of that culture, it's hard to grasp it.
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #8  October 24,2011, 9:01am
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Let me try to explain the humor thing.

I speak several languages fluently, and get some humor in those cultures.

However, when jokes and references are made based on local TV shows or movies I do not get it. People have to explain it to me. It is because I do not have a point of reference.

It will take some time for your fiancée to get immersed in the culture.

One thing regarding the analysis type of discussion you want could also be related to his education. In India, like a lot of developing countries, education is by rote learning. So, a lot of the students do not develop the skill set for in depth analysis.
 
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parakeetjordan is offline parakeetjordan Post #9  October 24,2011, 9:15am
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Cultural differences can really impact your marriage. Unfortunately, differences in views on marriage and parenting only really come out after getting married and having children if you do not take the time to really get to know him beforehand. Take a look at his parents' marriage. It will give you a good idea about how he thinks a marriage should be. Also, think about how intrusive his family will be in your marriage. After you marry, he may try to bring his parents and siblings to the U.S. to live with you. The way his mother treats you will impact your marriage.

Given that you already do not completely respect him, do not expect your respect for him to increase after you marry him.

As a lawyer, I would consider the legal impact on marrying in India. I would also get a prenup so that you are protected.

If this is your first serious relationship, I would hesitate to marry someone without a longer courtship given your low opinion of his intelligence, the significant cultural differences, and your lack of relationship experience.

I think that you may want to marry him because you know that your biological clock is ticking and he seems to cater to your needs right now. I think you will not be happy in a marriage with a man that you do not completely respect intellectually. Cultural differences and his family's likely intrusiveness will further burden your marriage and most likely make you unhappy.

Sorry, I wish I could be more optimistic, but I think you should reconsider and take more time to get to know his family before you rush into marriage. Perhaps he should live with you for a period of time before you get married.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  October 24,2011, 9:44am
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tangochef wrote :
Let me try to explain the humor thing.

I speak several languages fluently, and get some humor in those cultures.

However, when jokes and references are made based on local TV shows or movies I do not get it. People have to explain it to me. It is because I do not have a point of reference.

It will take some time for your fiancée to get immersed in the culture.

One thing regarding the analysis type of discussion you want could also be related to his education. In India, like a lot of developing countries, education is by rote learning. So, a lot of the students do not develop the skill set for in depth analysis.
Or in this case...her fiancé, as she is marrying a he
 
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