bit of cold feet before wedding... seeking wisdom from happily married members.


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reenz is offline reenz Post #21  October 31,2011, 10:46pm
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Thank you all so much for your EXCELLENT feedback. I have been sitting on it for the last few days, as there have been so many insightful and thoughtful comments, that I have been letting it sink in and doing a lot of soul searching.

I wish I could answer each person individually, but it will take a huge time to do that, so I'll start by addressing a few comments that stood out, and then give you my update.

First of all, yes, I am Indian-American. So there are some cultural differences, of course, but at the same time, we have some commonalities. My parents grew up in India, so I understand a lot of the family and social pressures that he faces.

As far as my family goes, they are generally supportive of this wedding. They like my fiance, as they think he is a good guy (as they have personally met him themselves and have spoken to him on the phone a number of times. Although they like him, they are having some squabbles with his relatives over finances and creating other drama, which is somewhat annoying. But at least they like my fiance, which is what matters most, even if they have drama with his relatives.

My parents themselves had an arranged marriage, and they are still together after 30+ years (although they have had a rocky relationship with much squabbling). So if they managed to stick together without even knowing each other, I feel like my fiance and I at least have a leg up in that we've already known each other for the last 13 months and know that we enjoy each other's company. Even though we are apart, we continue to talk twice daily on Skype to feel close to one another.

As far as him being interested in me for a visa goes, yes, there was a time when I did have this concern... though it's no longer present. He always said that he doesn't have any preference to live in the US as he's perfectly happy for us to come back to India someday if I'd be open to it. Also, I realized that assuming he was coming for a visa was a bit unfair on my part, considering how much sacrifice would be made on his side to come here (leaving his friends and family). It's a big sacrifice that he is making, so that I don't have to uproot my life and go there. And India's economy is booming right now, so it's not like he's coming here to get out of a bad situation there. So I do believe in his love for me, and not for a visa.

The comment about me undervaluing his intelligence really threw me for a loop. It was really just what I needed to read, as it truly helped me to see things from another perspective. Over the last few days, I tested this idea... first, by asking him to tell me about the courses he teaches. He opened up one of his law books and starting explaining some of the concepts in there. I was really impressed, asking him if he fully understands that high-falluting law jargon as it's in technical English, and he said 'Of course'. I was a bit speechless, and I tried to (gently) approach the subject of why he writes so differently (i.e. poorly) when he can read and comprehend at a much higher level. He didn't give me a complete answer on this, but he did mention that his computer keyboard has many problems, including the Shift key not working as well as a number of other letters... so he has to use the on-screen keyboard to type up a message, which gets tiresome.

We also had another discussion a day or two later, in which we discussed the topic of intelligence. I asked him his thoughts on the topic, and he told me that he believes that there is more than 1 kind of intelligence... one kind being academic intelligence, and the other type being life intelligence. I told him that I think there is even more than 2 types of intelligence, and we had a nice discussion.

In addition to appealing to my mind, something else happened that day (a few days ago) which collapsed my fears. I was being a bit hypercritical about my body (as I'm about 60 pounds overweight, and he's not overweight at all). He told me he didn't like me being negative towards myself, and that while it's good to want to work on weight loss for purely health reasons (and so that we can have a long life together), I need to still be happy with myself for who I am. He was like "If you like to eat, then you like to eat" but there isn't a need to beat yourself up for it. He said that he loves how smart and intelligent I am, and that he is marrying me for my heart and mind foremost, and the body is an afterthought. I was greatly moved by all these discussions, and it wiped away my fears about his intelligence, etc, as I greatly underestimated him. I was wrong.

Over the last few days I have been getting progressively more excited about this marriage... which I guess is a good thing, considering it's only 2 weeks away.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #22  November 1,2011, 10:43am
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Have a wonderful wedding.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #23  November 1,2011, 11:02am
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Please post pictures of the wedding. They are always nice to see.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #24  November 1,2011, 11:27am
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Reenz, congratulations! Reading your first post my first thought was "fear" - you get that you're making a big decision and you are assessing your risk. It sounds like the good far outweighs the bad with this guy.

As far as intelligence goes, bringing up different kinds of intelligence was very smart of you What works is recognizing and respecting those differences and seeing them as an opportunity to learn: he's getting an induction into American culture and humor and you can cuddle up and listen to him talk passionately about common law.

(and yes, post pictures!)
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #25  November 1,2011, 12:37pm
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Thanks for the reminder! I posted some general pics of the two of us, but will certainly have to add in the wedding photos soon enough!
 
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ChainMan is offline ChainMan Post #26  November 1,2011, 8:29pm
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I am so happy for you reenz! Relationships are always a challenge, and you seem have the emotional maturity to work through its issues. Your journey together with your new life partner will be amazing. Warm wishes for a life filled with love and happiness.
Last edited by ChainMan; November 1,2011 at 8:31pm.
 
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