kneadinghelp is offline kneadinghelp Post #1  October 19,2011, 1:38pm
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Hello community,

I understand why women are more insecure about their weight than men.
Here's my situation:
My girlfriend is beautiful and I care about her greatly.

She is, a tad overweight. Initially, that was an issue for me, however after getting to know her heart it wasn't and still isn't.

It is however an issue for her.

A week or two ago I was put in a TERRIBLE situation where she told me that she was feeling insecure about her weight and so I responded that I loved her and that I would find her beautiful no matter what. She then replied that it was wonderful that I felt that way and she knew (because I've told her so many times) that I thought that she was beautiful but that didn't mean that the world felt that way. She then proceeded to ask me what I found attractive about her body.

I blanked.
I said that I loved holding her, I found her face exceptionally beautiful, and that I just loved her.

After confusion on both our ends (mine on what to say, hers on trying to understand what the heck I was saying) she then said "am I fat?"

So I said "what? no!" You're not fat. And that's true. She's not fat. She is overweight though. I didn't say that she's overweight though and I won't. But the truth is that I told her a white lie. Besides that point - it was a TERRIBLE situation and our conversation came to a good conclusion but the issue didn't really.

Yesterday the issue came up as well and I had no clue what to say. So I said that she couldn't put me into that situation as it was so difficult to handle.
I obviously screwed up on that one - big time.

So what do I do!?!
Do I say "Honey, I can tell that you're feeling insecure about these things. And though I've told you so many times that I love you and am attracted to you, there isn't anything that I can say that is going to change your opinion of yourself. If weight is an issue to you, I'll be supportive and try as best as I can to help you with that, but no matter what I'll still love you."

Do I bring up the conversation now? Or do I just let it go until later and then bring it up? How do I handle this?

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds. And for the record - it's not her seeking reassurance that's the issue, that's fine. It's her seeking reassurance and then asking me to confirm that she's fat because she feels that it is true leaving me with either the options to kindly tell her "yes, but it doesn't matter", "no" and tell a white lie, or completely evade it and say "honey, that doesn't matter to me."

Thanks again,

kneadinghelp.
Last edited by kneadinghelp; October 19,2011 at 1:42pm.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  October 19,2011, 2:03pm
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I think...if/when she asks you again...you should tell her the truth:

She's not fat...but she is overweight.

You can couch it lovingly, as you have done...by telling her you love her...but tell her the truth, nonetheless.

She knows what she looks like; she knows she's overweight. She just wants to know it doesn't mean so much to you.

In addition, if/when you prepare meals together, or eat out together...do your best to set a good example. Don't feel you need to clean your plate in a restaurant...or even at home. If you start leaving some on your plate for "leftovers"...she probably will too.

You could also try more exercise for the two of you. You could take a long walk together...or even go hiking, if that's what you like. Something, anything; just so you're not always sitting around.

Good Luck!

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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #3  October 19,2011, 2:16pm
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kneadinghelp wrote :
She is, a tad overweight. Initially, that was an issue for me, however after getting to know her heart it wasn't and still isn't.
...[snip]...
She then proceeded to ask me what I found attractive about her body.

I blanked.
I said that I loved holding her, I found her face exceptionally beautiful, and that I just loved her.
Kneading - I think you handled this situation about as well as can be expected. It's a loaded question, to say the least. She knows she is "fat". She's not asking "if" people (you) think she is fat, but "does it matter?" And, as you have said - for you, it doesn't.

But you also said it did at first. But, then you decided that you liked her, regardless of her appearance. So, here's my question for you (and, it's the same question she had for you): What do you find attractive about her body? There has to be something. "I love the roundness of your (blank)" or "I like the shape of your (blank)". Even though you love the "whole person", there's still got to be something that "gets the juices flowing". At least, for me, there has to. What is(are) that thing(s) for you? You don't have to tell us. But, you should know. That's not the kind of question you should be blanking on.

wrote :
After confusion on both our ends (mine on what to say, hers on trying to understand what the heck I was saying) she then said "am I fat?"
And here, I don't think her question is really "Am I fat?" She knows she's fat. No one goes through life not realizing they aren't model thin. She is asking "Since you can't find a single thing you like about my body - does that mean you think I am fat? Undesirable?"

wrote :
So I said "what? no!" You're not fat. And that's true. She's not fat. She is overweight though. I didn't say that she's overweight though and I won't. But the truth is that I told her a white lie. Besides that point - it was a TERRIBLE situation and our conversation came to a good conclusion but the issue didn't really.
wrote :
Yesterday the issue came up as well and I had no clue what to say. So I said that she couldn't put me into that situation as it was so difficult to handle.
I obviously screwed up on that one - big time.
No, you didn't screw up. She should not keep putting you into that situation by asking. But, I think you're not answering her in the way she wants. Which has nothing to do with you, that's her issue.

wrote :
So what do I do!?!
Do I say "Honey, I can tell that you're feeling insecure about these things. And though I've told you so many times that I love you and am attracted to you, there isn't anything that I can say that is going to change your opinion of yourself. If weight is an issue to you, I'll be supportive and try as best as I can to help you with that, but no matter what I'll still love you."
This is good. I think you should just keep right on with this plan.
wrote :
And for the record - it's not her seeking reassurance that's the issue, that's fine. It's her seeking reassurance and then asking me to confirm that she's fat because she feels that it is true leaving me with either the options to kindly tell her "yes, but it doesn't matter", "no" and tell a white lie, or completely evade it and say "honey, that doesn't matter to me."
Really? I think this constant need for reassurance is much worse than being fat. That gets old really fast, when you constantly have to assure people that they are indeed what you want. After a while, you can start to think that maybe they really aren't what you want...
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #4  October 19,2011, 2:30pm
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Being overweight isn't subjective. If someone wants to know where they stand they can check their BMI. I think that if you don't make it an emotional issue, but a practical one, it's easier to handle in a relationship.

If someone else ever asks you, say you hadn't really thought about it (love tends to blind us to physical flaws, so that can be believable) but there's a way to find out, and then surf the internet together.

The charts don't actually use the word fat, and there's a range.
 
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Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #5  October 19,2011, 2:52pm
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I guess before you say anything you have to figure out what YOU want from your girlfriend. But before we get into that, let's just agree to not argue on semantics shall we? I'm sure that technically speaking there's a difference between overweight and fat based on body fat percentages, but I'm thinking that when you're discussing this with your GF (or the rest of us) the semantics is not what's important.

With that said, let's get back to what YOU want from your GF. Do you want her to lose weight or not? That's the important question here. You've already admitted that you do think she's fat (by admitting that you found her weight to be an issue early on) and yet when she asks you about it all you're trying to do is reassure her that you don't want her to change, which is why I'm confused and am asking the question: Do you want her to lose weight or do you truly not care?

The answer to that question will dictate what you should tell her.

A) If you want her to lose weight, then I don't understand why you're not being truthful with her. You've obviously reassured her plenty that you find her attractive because of all the other beautiful things about her, but there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. You should never be scared of being truthful with your GF. If it were me I'd probably word it as such "Honey/Baby/Insert_cute_name_you_call_her_here, I wouldn't want to lie to you or insult your intelligence. Truthfully yes you are overweight. But if that was a huge issue for me, I wouldn't be in a relationship with you now would I? However, if you did decide to attempt to lose weight (not for my sake, as I'd never ask you to do that just for me) I'm sure I'd find you even more attractive, if that's even possible".

If she's gonna throw a tantrum about that, tell her to get back to you when she's less emotional and ready to have an honest discussion... And that if she can't do that, then to not bring up the topic in the first place because you refuse to lie to her.

B) If you truly don't want your GF to lose weight, then feel free to continue lying to her that you don't think she's fat and you don't care about it. The insecurities will probably not go away though, and the interrogations will likely never stop as to whether you think she's fat or not.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #6  October 19,2011, 3:33pm
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I wonder what the women of eHA think of choice A.

It seems reasonable, and I can't find a flaw in it.
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #7  October 19,2011, 4:02pm
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To make it a little more obvious:

wrote :
She is, a tad overweight.She is, a tad overweight.She is, a tad overweight.She is, a tad overweight.She is, a tad overweight.She is, a tad overweight.She is, a tad overweight.She is, a tad overweight.She is, a tad overweight.
Tor paraphrase R.W.Emerson- After the first lie, everything thereafter is questioned.

If you can't tell a person how you feel ( / if they can't believe you), you don't belong with them
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #8  October 19,2011, 4:30pm
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Harryoss wrote :
...

You should never be scared of being truthful with your GF. If it were me I'd probably word it as such "Honey/Baby/Insert_cute_name_you_call_her_here, I wouldn't want to lie to you or insult your intelligence. Truthfully yes you are overweight. But if that was a huge issue for me, I wouldn't be in a relationship with you now would I? However, if you did decide to attempt to lose weight (not for my sake, as I'd never ask you to do that just for me) I'm sure I'd find you even more attractive, if that's even possible". (Delete the stuff in red and start discussing what about her body turns you on.)

If she's gonna throw a tantrum about that, tell her to get back to you when she's less emotional and ready to have an honest discussion... And that if she can't do that, then to not bring up the topic in the first place because you refuse to lie to her.
Mr. Right, I think OP has done a really good job of trying to handle a difficult situation. Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to make an insecure person accept something that the person views as a deficiency. And only she can fix the problem.

Harryoss' option A is way better than option B. They both know she's fat/overweight/whatever you want to call it. If he lies and says she isn't, all it does is call into question everything else he says about his feelings for her, and the relentless quizzing will just escalate. My strong suggestion would be to lose the last sentence. (It's code for "lose weight honey!" Think about it--you wouldn't say, "if you decide to try and gain more weight ...I'd find you even more attractive...," would you? She knows that too.)

Love is unconditional, and that is what you want to convey to her. That plus the fact that you find her irresistible. Focus on the parts of her body that turn you on, and talk about how amazing those are. Make sure that you include some discussion of her body. If everything you mention involves her face, she'll probably read that as code that you think she really IS fat...and unattractive.

And another piece of advice--make sure that you aren't "looking" at other women when she is around. Some guys think they can cop a look without their GF knowing. Women have eyes in the back of their heads when it comes to these things. And it will only make the problem worse.
Last edited by emma_hazards; October 19,2011 at 4:32pm.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  October 19,2011, 5:00pm
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You just learned the downside of hiding the truth, and indulging compliment-digging, needy people.

I learned this early, and haven't wavered since.

There just is no option other than to tell someone the truth.

For me, I will not indulge such people.

Look them in the eye, state your tastes and perception clearly and factually, and then let them be to walk away or not.

You did nothing wrong, since you never had a true obligation in this interchange.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #10  October 19,2011, 5:09pm
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...
Last edited by harnomygirl; October 19,2011 at 5:44pm.
 
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