Hit a relationship wall and need some advice


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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  October 19,2011, 9:55am
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I have to say, I’m a bit disappointed to have to write this post. I feel like I’ve been struggling with dating since splitting from my long term ex, but after some soul searching, I finally felt like I was making headway.

I met a guy online (now my boyfriend) in late May and we went on a couple of dates. He moved for the summer for a graduate school internship but it ended up being a blessing in disguise as we were able to get to know each other and build our relationship slowly without any expectations. By the time he came back I was thrilled that I felt that the feelings and chemistry I had built were based on who he was as a person.

When he returned things in person were great and the momentum continued and grew…until he resumed grad school. I was prepared for the shift in schedules – I’m a busy person myself – but I was not prepared for the fact that school would make him emotionally distant and much of the time, irritable. Gone were the sweet comments and gestures and many of the things that made me feel appreciated and a priority in the first place. I know it sounds corny, but I used to feel like he was excited to spend time with me and 100% present when we are, but now I feel like his mind is somewhere else.

He is by no means a bad boyfriend – we still talk regularly and make time for each other, and we do sometimes still have fun, but I feel like we’ve taken huge steps backward when it comes to creating emotional closeness and intimacy.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I voiced my concerns to him and at first, he was very receptive and had some great ideas about how we could improve things. But since that, not a lot has changed. I’m frustrated because I don’t want to have the same conversation over and over. (Though to a large degree we have because the whole situation has made me more reserved which leads to him asking what’s wrong.) I don’t believe nagging gets you anywhere, but I also am not happy with where we are.

On one hand he has so many qualities that are important to me and from my experience on the single’s scene, I know finding someone like him again won’t be easy. But I’m also not happy with how the relationship is unfolding.

What would you do if we were me? (FWIW, I am scheduled to join him on a trip to the West Coast for his friend’s birthday next weekend. He acts like I’m crazy when I ask him whether he still wants me to join him, but these days I’m not feeling like he wants to be around me that much, let alone go on vacation with me. Secretly I have a fear that he’s just trying to make things work because this trip is on the schedule and that he’ll poof afterward.)

I really want to strike some kind of happy medium where I get more of what I need back but still respect his school schedule. But it doesn’t seem to be happening. Do I just be patient and see if things improve? Do I cut my losses and move on? I’m lost and also sad because he honestly is a good guy – respectful, a good listener, a problem solver – and compatible with me in what I see as the core areas so it’s starting to make me think if this doesn’t work, nothing will.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  October 19,2011, 9:56am
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P.S. Sorry for the novel. I was trying to strike that balance between giving people enough details that they would have a full enough picture of the story to give me advice, and being brief. If you have any questions, just ask. :-)
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #3  October 19,2011, 10:13am
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Sorry to hear that things aren't going well..

I have a few questions..

When was the last conversation about the relationship as a whole and what were his feelings about how things are going...

Does he feel connected to you and feel that his needs are getting met?

How often are you all getting together each week and what type of activities/dates does that include..

It's very concerning that you think he is the type of man that would just disappear on you with you all being in an exclusive long term relationship...

I'll wait to say a bit more based on the answers to the above..
 
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JarMD80 is offline JarMD80 Post #4  October 19,2011, 10:25am
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What are u doing for a living? are u able to move to the same location as his grad school? I think LDR are hard simply cause the other person can't walk/drive over when my job was in Memphis, on top of that this job isn't the normal 9 to 5 job, and my fiancee was in Atlanta I had to fly to and from, thank gosh I traveled for nothing, just to see her and it was hard on me, but I my love for her overcame the effort it took, thankfully I got the same job for a different company in Atlanta in July and the need to travel to see her was taken out, but the communications between us never stopped when I wasn't around and I think that was key otherwise we would probably be in the same boat as u and your boyfriend. You need to be a team to get through it
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  October 19,2011, 10:34am
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Did he just start school again in Sept?

You mentioned he "went away" in the summer for Grad School; now that he has resumed...is he still "away"?

If he just resumed in Sept, and this is only Oct...I would probably cut him some slack, let him readjust.

Sometimes it's difficult to feel like you're taking a backseat to another's preoccupations...but if a person really is "preoccupied" and we give him/her some breathing room...that can go a very long ways in easing the other's load.

And they usually appreciate the understanding.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; October 19,2011 at 10:45am.
 
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Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #6  October 19,2011, 10:35am
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boschimsp wrote :
*SNIP*
When he returned things in person were great and the momentum continued and grew…until he resumed grad school. I was prepared for the shift in schedules – I’m a busy person myself – but I was not prepared for the fact that school would make him emotionally distant and much of the time, irritable. Gone were the sweet comments and gestures and many of the things that made me feel appreciated and a priority in the first place. I know it sounds corny, but I used to feel like he was excited to spend time with me and 100% present when we are, but now I feel like his mind is somewhere else.

He is by no means a bad boyfriend – we still talk regularly and make time for each other, and we do sometimes still have fun, but I feel like we’ve taken huge steps backward when it comes to creating emotional closeness and intimacy.

*SNIP*
I'll provide my opinion and perspective on what is obviously the main issue here, which is the quoted part above.

The thing about it is that, yes while these changes in behavior may very well have been caused by him having a busier life than he had previously had throughout the time you 2 were together (then again it could also be a result of the initial "excitement phase" wearing off and his true colors starting to show), if he is in fact irritable to you when he is actually busy with other parts of his life, that's not really very promising for the future is it? People are busy in their lives the majority of the year... You can't have a happy and healthy relationship with someone who is pleasant to be around only during vacations and then irritable the rest of the time, can you?

That's just the big picture thoughts to consider though. With that said, I don't think you should call it quits quite yet. Instead of approaching it from an "OMG he' so irritable when he's stressed" angle (and getting upset/stressed yourself), try a different approach... something of the "let me see how I can relieve some of his stress when we're together" sort, so you can see if the pleasant version of him that you have come to like will resurface when you do so. You can do that any way you like: A nice back rub, a relaxing night with a home cooked dinner, take your pick from whatever he likes. The idea being: you're trying to see if you can help him overcome everyday stress and be a pleasant person to be around in spite of it.

If you can do that, then I think it just goes to show that the 2 of you are a good match. If not, then perhaps it would be best to consider moving on? Because he has obviously shown you that he's not capable of (or willing to) change even when you point out the problem to him.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  October 19,2011, 10:37am
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How long has this been going on? It can't be many months, right?

Since you have a lot going for you in this relationship, I'd hope that it's a phase he's going through and it will change. And work on it. And set a time limit: no improvement by your 1-year anniversary? -- it's over.

To work on it: you've brought it up, he responded positively, but changes haven't occurred. Don't get discouraged by that. It could mean that what you're seeing is how this guy is, fundamentally, and it won't change. But it could also mean the 2 of you have not yet succeeded in solving the problem.

A fundamental of problem-solving: if something isn't working, don't keep doing it. Try something else.

And, while this may be a problem that's located entirely inside him: that he has trouble balancing work and life, or doesn't handle stress well, or whatever --- it could be it's a relationship problem. That would be something to explore too. There could be something between the 2 of you that he's reacting to by withdrawing (not a good strategy on his part).

If you can succeed at slogging your way through this, the 2 of you will have laid an excellent foundation for the longterm: you will have faith in each other and your ability to solve things that aren't easy.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  October 19,2011, 10:38am
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Long distance relationships are hard, so is starting grad school. You met while he still lived in the same area?
Both of you withdrawing will not solve things, neither will trying to "fix it" with talking.

There may simply be a lack of real life shared experiences, which is more bonding than talking, especially long distance.

He may well be getting more involved with his life and experiences there, which are priorities now. This is not a failing on your part....he may be questioning the demands of a long-distance relationship and his new endeavors.

Go on the trip as planned, and rather than trying to "fix things" with talking or withdrawing.... create shared memories. Then as you suggest....see what happens... best wishes...hope it works out

boschimsp wrote :
I’ve been struggling with dating since splitting from my long term ex

May and we went on a couple of dates. He moved for the summer for a graduate school internship

When he returned things in person were great and the momentum continued and grew…until he resumed grad school.

be patient and see if things improve?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  October 19,2011, 10:55am
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Grad school for most bright people is truly the very first time in their life where they actually have to work and try hard. So it's not surprising that your bf is suddenly tense and preoccupied and has more important things on his mind than worrying about sweet nothings to send to you.

Basically, you have hit a hardship in the road of life. You are both showing your true colors in this.

You are learning that when stressed, he will not pay as much attention to you as normal and is likely to become impatient and short with you.

He is learning that you will pout, distance yourself (very much like throwing a tantrum when you are not getting what you want) and tend to be selfish rather than supportive. Him making time for you is not good enough. You have to have more.

So the question you need to be asking yourself is are you being reasonable in your expectations? How much of the closeness that you crave you are actually blocking deliberately because he is not sending you the sweet nothings that he sent before? Are you being high maintenance instead of being there for him?

At what point in a relationship can he relax with you and count on you to be there for him without constantly having to pursue you and enforce to you how great and wonderful you are and how much you matter to him? At what point can you trust him that he likes even on a day when he is too tired to say it? Relationships aren't fairy tales and there are always more rough times than good in life. The questions that I'm posing to you, are important to answer.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  October 19,2011, 10:58am
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Ingytravel wrote :
Sorry to hear that things aren't going well..

I have a few questions..
When was the last conversation about the relationship as a whole and what were his feelings about how things are going...

Late September after we had met one of his friends for dinner. Basically the trigger was that the question of where he was moving after graduation had come up again which led him to explain that he had never seen our relationship as having an expiration date at the end of the year. I blame myself for that one. Admittedly, this was probably when things started to shift, partially because I got scared and suggested maybe we should just end things. I didn't mean it and was quick to apologize the next day, but I'm not quite sure we've gotten back on track since.

All talks of it in the positive sense were prior to that. Since then it's been more about individual things that aren't working.

But I will admit in general I avoid these conversations. In my longest relationship (4 years) they never really had a positive outcome so I think I probably avoid them more than most.

Does he feel connected to you and feel that his needs are getting met?

Not really sure. He doesn't really talk about his feelings anymore...which is quite a shift from where we were before where he was always telling me what he was getting out of our company and how he felt. I've tried to ask him, but feel like things get directed back toward my issues. Honestly part of it is I feel like he has bigger fish to fry outside of our relationship. Much of the topic of conversation is generally about school work or related stuff that is stressing him out. Questions sort of get directed away from the relationship itself to the pressures of school or it being 'how he is. I genuinely want him to be satisfied in the relationship and in the past have had no problem compromising with ex's. If anything, in the past I've fallen into the trap of conceding too much and not standing up for my own needs.

How often are you all getting together each week and what type of activities/dates does that include..

We get together once, sometimes twice a week. I'd much prefer in the latter camp, but he's so busy (often with things that reoccur at a regular interval or were scheduled long in advance so it's a bit hard to fit into his schedule). Our dates themselves lately (with the exception of last night) have been really good. (He has said as well that we do have a lot of fun together a lot of the time.) Last Friday we had dinner with one of my friends and her bf at her house and the weekend before we went apple picking and wine tasting as a day trip. Before that we did dinner and grabbed frozen yogurt.

Those dates were pretty good, especially dinner with my friend. We've both said that when we have fun, we have a lot of fun. I think the challenge is - a lot of the time - the in between time and setting them up. And also that, while these dates are good, they are kind of missing the emotion and affection we used to have.

It's very concerning that you think he is the type of man that would just disappear on you with you all being in an exclusive long term relationship...

[B] Disappear was probably a bit strong on my part. I think my experience has just been that changes in interest and behavior usually precede a breakup. And admittedly, I've also had my share of the out of blue breakups, particularly in my longest relationship, so as a result I know I require more than other people to feel comfortable. I think particularly since he told me his first relationship went on longer than it should have and he should have ended it earlier than he did, it makes me worry he could become one of those people who doesn't want to end things and instead does the slow fade or waits for me to dump him.

I wouldn't have said that initially after our first conversation about "issues." He was explicit about wanting to work on things. But now when I say I still very much like him and would rather work on what I can do to get us to a better place, I get silence. And in a way, I don't blame him. I get the sense that school for him is stressful enough so why would he want to bother with another thing he has to make work.


I'll wait to say a bit more based on the answers to the above..
 
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