Hit a relationship wall and need some advice


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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #21  October 19,2011, 12:10pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
My late husband was a Contractor. He and another Contractor often teamed up; together they could bid on bigger and better (more lucrative) jobs.

We'd been married a couple months and the other Contractor up and died...leaving my husband with 15 contracts to be filled.

He worked 6 days a week, 10-12 hours a day...for a year...to fill all those jobs. He would come home filthy dirty...and dead tired.

So I know what it is to take a backseat to preoccupation...and I know it simply must be done when required...to help the other person do what it is they have to do, and to ease their stress in doing it.

Basically, you want to make it easy on him. And your reward will be that he will love you more for your understanding.

When his load is lightened, and he is done with the job...he will look back on the space you gave him not to have to worry about you...with gratefulness.

Make it easy for him to love you.

That's my take.

j8a
I think the point of making it easy for someone to love you makes sense. I think the only challenge is, knowing his personality type and our conversations, his load is unlikely to ever lighten. He likes taking a lot of stuff on and on one hand, I value and appreciate that about him. And of course my needs are probably too demanding but it also makes me wonder to what degree I get to think about mine being met.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #22  October 19,2011, 12:11pm
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It sounds like to me that the conversation you spoke about where moving after grad school was discussed was a major turning point. It seems that since that time you have both kind of put up walls a little and been afraid to become (or even show) more invested in the relationship.

If I were you, I would go on the trip, and look at it as a chance to reconnect and become more excited about each other again. It seems it is coming at a great time actually, if the above is all correct.

It is somewhat common for people to back off a little from time to time and reassess to make sure they are getting what they want before investing further. When both do that at the same time, it could become a cycle of moving farther and farther away.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #23  October 19,2011, 12:14pm
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beachgirl5 wrote :
This guy is in grad school, preparing to get a degree and then his real life will start. Have the two of you ever talked about how you would fit into his new life?

Let's face it, most relationships like yours don't last when the grad student moves on to a whole new world. Especially f you're in a different place in life.

You haven't told us if you have a career and if you're prepared to move on too.

Frankly, it's not surprising that things have cooled after his summer internship when he got out of living in the student mode and into the professional mode. Many things in your life no longer make sense when you make that transition.

Watch the cues as his school year progresses. Does he include you in the decisions on where he goes next?
We are in different places. I've not gone to business school so I don't relate to it. I'm pretty established in my career. I'm in a field that has a lot of flexibility so moving, if that's what you're asking, is not out of the question, but if I moved with a partner it would need to be a joint decision based on a city that would make sense for both of us. Once in a married relationship I fully understand that there are some moves that will benefit one partner more than the other, but since I'm not in that place, something close-ish to equality would need to be necessary.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #24  October 19,2011, 12:19pm
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savman wrote :
It sounds like to me that the conversation you spoke about where moving after grad school was discussed was a major turning point. It seems that since that time you have both kind of put up walls a little and been afraid to become (or even show) more invested in the relationship.

If I were you, I would go on the trip, and look at it as a chance to reconnect and become more excited about each other again. It seems it is coming at a great time actually, if the above is all correct.

It is somewhat common for people to back off a little from time to time and reassess to make sure they are getting what they want before investing further. When both do that at the same time, it could become a cycle of moving farther and farther away.
I think you are probably absolutely right. Before that point. There were more "risks" taken - deciding to be in a committed relationship, expressing feelings, scheduling a vacation, and since then it has definitely felt like we have taken quite a few steps backward. In many ways, things started moving kind of quickly early on and have since taken a bit of a u-turn.

I do very much want to go onto the vacation, I think I was just hoping to put some things to rest before we go -- to let past frustrations be in the past and give us a chance to start over. I don't want to go feeling like there is something unresolved hanging over my head and that I am unsure of where we stand. (Especially since I will be meeting many of his out of state friends for the first time and I think I will feel slightly awkward and fake if I am meeting them while he and I are not on good footing.)
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #25  October 19,2011, 12:42pm
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Are you sure you're not going to worry your relationship to death?

j8a
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #26  October 19,2011, 12:43pm
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boschimsp wrote :
Ingy - In person it's been a little over 2 months. We've been at the intimate stage for quite awhile with sleepovers and what not. As for what I'm looking for, I'll admit I'm terrible with uncertainty, but absolutely know it's unrealistic to expect any sort of guarantee. I wouldn't mind a sense, every once and awhile and unprompted by conflict, of understanding where things are headed in his mind, even if it's not entirely positive. Part of what drew me to him was that he was so open and communicative, not just with his feelings, but in general, and I think I'm missing that side.

Honestly, I think if he made more of an effort when it comes to setting up future dates it would make a huge difference. I'm generally the one that has to probe about his schedule and it would be nice if every once and awhile he asked me when I was free to get together. I'm willing to come up with ideas for what we do, but it's hard to feel like if I didn't say anything we would never see each other.
Similarly (which he offered up as a suggestion) I think if we made better efforts to integrate ourselves into each others lives, that would be helpful. Normally by this point in the past I'd have hung out with more of their friends and whatnot and I think that would make a difference.

And I think if he made an effort to be a bit more present on our dates that would help to. it's hard when someone is constantly checking their phone and mentally in a different place. If I don't have a lot of time with someone I want to feel like I'm at least getting 50% of their attention. Similarly, I think it would be helpful if he could take his stress out on me a little bit less or at least acknowledge when he doesn't have an issue with me and it's being misdirected.

Part of it is a lot of this is stuff he acknowledges he needs to work on. But I haven't really seen a change. I'm also welcome to do things too that make him less stressed and his life easier. He's offered up a couple which I've already worked on, but I think I need him to communicate his POV more as well.
Ok....so it's really been only two months of actual dating...and as you've said...once or maybe twice a week. You mention that there has already been conflict in the relationship? Did you all actually have a fight about any of these issues?

I've highlighted the things above that you want from him.....

What are things that you are willing to give of yourself that he needs? What were the things that you have done to help him during the times of stress? You say that 'he' hasn't changed the things he said he would work on....what did you offer in that conversation that you were going to do?

I'm thinking that he may be feeling that it's hard to make you happy...It might be that he feels that it's only been a few months and you have such a long list of things that you aren't pleased about that he does...doesn't do...That can make the future look pretty daunting at this point...

Unfortunately....it doesn't bode well for the relationship if you are having so many issues so early on. It may be that you all just want/need different things in a relationship and are at different stages in your life.

It's one thing for people to compromise and work on a relationship...but it's another if you are truly unhappy with pretty much the way he does everything...From not planning enough dates...from not paying enough attention to you on those dates...from not expressing himself enough, not meeting enough of his friends,...etc.

It seems like you like 'who' he is....but not much about how he is in the relationship. It's like you want him to be more like you in many ways...

I'm not trying to criticize...I hope you know me well enough by now on here...I'm just being straightforward with you based on what I am reading in the posts...

I think you need to be very honest with yourself and ask yourself if you need to 'change' or mold him so much into what you want...is that fair for either one of you?
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #27  October 19,2011, 12:54pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
So I know what it is to take a backseat to preoccupation...and I know it simply must be done when required...to help the other person do what it is they have to do, and to ease their stress in doing it.

Basically, you want to make it easy on him. And your reward will be that he will love you more for your understanding.

When his load is lightened, and he is done with the job...he will look back on the space you gave him not to have to worry about you...with gratefulness.
I am not sure if I agree with this. Bos, you noted in an earlier post about not wanting to be the top priority, as long as you're above the middle - or at least that's what I got out of it.

Perhaps my past situation left me in a bad way - I spent 8 months of my life not having a stray thought aside from my late wife's medical condition. I had the thoughts that j8a is describing - I know it will be better, that she and I will be in a much better place once this is all over and she's healthy again. But that's not how it ended up.

I honestly don't know if I could be with someone who behaves as you describe your bf behaving. In what you write here, I see a lot of "him" and very little of "you". He takes the time out of your shared time to gripe about his problems... and check his cell phone. Where is he supporting you in this relationship? Giving you the time to gripe about your problems?

I guess what I'm getting at is, if for a time you are only supporting him and not getting much back in return, in the hopes that it will lead to future bliss... and then the relationship ends, you will feel exhausted and on some level like that was all a waste of time. That is one of the feelings I dealt with when my wife passed away last year.

How do I correct that? I can't, obviously for the past. But for the now, I can work to make my current relationship more equitable. I nuture, care for, empathize with, support the woman I am currently with - but she does the same for me. I've asked myself about that many times, and there's no doubt in my mind that she makes sure that my needs are met in the same way I do for her. She and I have had disagreements and bumps along the road like any new couple, but we always talk about these differences in what our needs are, how our habits are different, etc. so that we can make sure that this is an enriching relationship.

My advice... if your bf is doing something you don't like and it's getting really old - like him monopolizing your shared time to gripe about his problems - gently check him on it. Tell him that you understand about his issues and want to support him, but you also want to be a part of this partnership and share your problems (or views on things, or whatnot). If he is being short or bitter or angry in your direction, check him on it. I've been in that kind of relationship - where a bad day at work (or even a truly terrible day at work, or a big load of stress) translates into being bitter, argumentative, mean towards your partner. Not any longer. I don't care how horribly my day has gone... I may joke about my horrible stress with my girlfriend but I am never, ever corrosive towards her. The problems that creates are not worth it.

"Hon, I know you've had a really stressful week at school... I want to help you get through it, but it's difficult for me when you yell at me like that..." Or something like that.
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #28  October 19,2011, 1:10pm
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Ingytravel wrote :
What are things that you are willing to give of yourself that he needs? What were the things that you have done to help him during the times of stress?

I'm thinking that he may be feeling that it's hard to make you happy...It might be that he feels that it's only been a few months and you have such a long list of things that you aren't pleased about that he does...doesn't do...That can make the future look pretty daunting at this point...

Unfortunately....it doesn't bode well for the relationship if you are having so many issues so early on. It may be that you all just want/need different things in a relationship and are at different stages in your life.

It's one thing for people to compromise and work on a relationship...but it's another if you are truly unhappy with pretty much the way he does everything...From not planning enough dates...from not paying enough attention to you on those dates...from not expressing himself enough, not meeting enough of his friends,...etc.

It seems like you like 'who' he is....but not much about how he is in the relationship. It's like you want him to be more like you in many ways...

I think you need to be very honest with yourself and ask yourself if you need to 'change' or mold him so much into what you want...is that fair for either one of you?
I agree with this in theory, but not in the case given here. To me, it doesn't look so much like a "difference of the way we do things"... it's more like he's being disrespectful - maybe not on purpose, maybe it's just because he doesn't have enough time or doesn't prioritize his time in a manner beneficial to Bos - but he's being bad towards Bos.

So about a week after I met Hopkins Brown (see my journal entry) - that is, a week after our first date - I was marooned in her city, at her apartment, for three days. We went from getting to know each other, to a first date, to spending 50 hours together in a cramped apartment. That is not something I recommend for the faint of heart, because you learn a lot about someone and the way she does things. And she learns about the way you do things. And, inevitably, there is friction. But this friction is managed with excellent communication. During this period we got a little snippy with each other and several times had to "manage the situation": "Okay, I know that the way I am doing this is world-ending horrible to you because of this reason, but we're just getting to know each other and I want to make this work, so let's find a common ground on this..." I deferred because it was her apartment, but I learned why she does things a certain way and why I do them a different way. If I am reading you right Ingy, those are the kinds of differences you are talking about.

It is important to note that no matter how painful my mouth was, how mind-numbingly annoyed I was at not being able to eat solid food, or the fact I kept bleeding, or the many narcotics I was hopped up on - I never, ever acted in a bitter or disrespectful manner towards Hopkins. I think from what Bos has written that her bf is crossing into this bitter/disrespectful attitude... but I could be wrong? I think even if he is, it's manageable if it's dealt with soon.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #29  October 19,2011, 1:37pm
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Sparkles56 wrote :
I guess what I'm getting at is, if for a time you are only supporting him and not getting much back in return, in the hopes that it will lead to future bliss... and then the relationship ends, you will feel exhausted and on some level like that was all a waste of time. That is one of the feelings I dealt with when my wife passed away last year.
I know what you're saying here. When writing my post it was in my mind that I was married...and therefore, willing to give more...than a single person might.

And we don't know how much she loves him, either. Or how much she can (is able to) give. So you could very well be right...if the relationship ends.

I just think if errors are going to be made...they should be made on the side of Optimism...that there will, indeed, be a future.

I would not want a relationship to end for lack of trying on my part. I give as much as I possibly can...and more.

But that's just me.

j8a
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #30  October 19,2011, 1:49pm
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It sounds like you are "working too hard" on this and want more from it than he does?

Takes his stress out on you?...really think that over...
Checks his phone and is checked out while you're there?............
Sorry to say, but sounds like he's along for the ride as long as you do everything on his terms and put up with his rudeness and moody BS.
Some people do this because they have lost interest , but are still getting something out of it. Others do this as an "invitation to leave"
You can't change him especially if he's yessing you and acting the same.
Pull back a bit ...stop probing, making suggestions on how to fix issues ,ect. Basically what you see is what you get. "Taking it out on you", by the way is a deal breaker..... consider moving on ...

boschimsp wrote :
I
I'm generally the one that has to probe about his schedule if I didn't say anything we would never see each other.

Normally by this point in the past I'd have hung out with more of their friends and whatnot and I think that would make a difference.

And I think if he made an effort to be a bit more present on our dates it's hard when someone is constantly checking their phone and mentally in a different place.

I think it would be helpful if he could take his stress out.............a little bit less or at least acknowledge when he doesn't have an issue with me and it's being misdirected.

I haven't really seen a change.
 
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