When to Bring up the Religion Dealbreaker


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
BenderSastre is offline BenderSastre Post #1  October 13,2011, 9:38pm
BenderSastre's Avatar

Mostly Harmless

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2011

Rolling Meadows, IL

Posts: 9

See profile

I have recently moved to the Chicagoland area from Utah. I am pleased that my environment stills has a very devoutly Christian feel to it. The problem I haven't met one person my age that is also of my particular denomination. Given the circumstances, I have opened myself up to dating outside my faith, but for me to seriously consider something beyond dating, she'd would have to accept my faith; that is absolutely, unflinching important to me. Of course, I'm not going to broach that subject on date one, but how long should I delay such a very important conversation?
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  October 13,2011, 10:40pm
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,082

See profile

You should probably feature your faith pretty prominently in your profile, so anyone who can't accept it will weed you out ... and you should be weeding out women who are clearly committed to a different faith.

I'd bring it up pretty early on. As soon as you know you're definitely interested in someone you've met, since it's a major dealbreaker for you, and may be for her too.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #3  October 13,2011, 11:08pm
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,495

See profile

If you are using eHarmony, fortunately for you one of the canned 3rd round questions is "Describe your spirituality." I would suggest you use that or re-word it to something similiar but more to your liking to get at what you want to know.

For me, personally, the type of guy I'm looking for is mostly "spiritual but not religious," and this question helps me to know if we are on the same wavelength. Should work equally well for you in finding someone very religious.

By asking this, you can do your screening before going on a first date, potentially saving both you and your matches the time and trouble if you're not compatible on this deal breaker item for you.
 
  Reply With Quote
savman is offline savman Post #4  October 13,2011, 11:55pm
savman's Avatar

is back in the game

Virtuoso

Joined: Nov 2010

Blissville

Posts: 2,779

See profile

I personally feel that religion deal breakers are best brought up before meeting. I do. I think this is the case for almost all abnormal deal breakers.

I think it is appropriate to put that in your profile, but that is a personal choice.
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  October 14,2011, 3:06am
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile

Yep, agreed ...if this is so 'unflinching important' to you then it needs to be addressed as early as possible - either in your profile, in your intial communications, or, if on by then, on the first date.

...then you will probably want to go get a dog or cat to have some companionship as you wait for a proverbial miracle to happen ...

Successful dating (online and offline) is about *increasing* your potentials, not *decreasing* them beyond what is absolutely necessary while keeping your mind open to all kinds of different possibilities - this is why we consider ranges of criteria rather than very specific criteria.

Depending on your religion, you may be - essentially - dealbreaking yourself right out of any realistic success, especially if your religion is one of the smaller, closer-knit 'community' religions. If that is the case, your best chance - and, likely, your only chance - is to search within your church, other churches of your denomination in your region, and be active in events/volunteer opportunities that are supported by your church.
 
  Reply With Quote
PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #6  October 14,2011, 6:36am
PictureImperf…'s Avatar

is enjoying the view... even if she does have to make it herself!

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2011

Posts: 186

See profile

I agree with the others that this is one of those things best brought up soonest. I did so too as an atheist, and mentioned the word "atheist" directly in my profile, to leave no doubt as to what "neither spiritual nor religious" meant.

I was perfectly willing to accept a theist of some sort, but only if he was (as my friends are) perfectly willing to accept my secular humanism.
 
  Reply With Quote
PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #7  October 14,2011, 6:36am
PictureImperf…'s Avatar

is enjoying the view... even if she does have to make it herself!

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2011

Posts: 186

See profile

duplicate
Last edited by PictureImperfect; October 14,2011 at 6:37am. Reason: Some things do not need to be said twice.
 
  Reply With Quote
shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #8  October 14,2011, 6:48am
shapeShifter7…'s Avatar

likes dancing!

Board Leader: Health & Wellness

Joined: Apr 2011

CA

Posts: 2,499

See profile

BenderSastre wrote :
she'd would have to accept my faith; that is absolutely, unflinching important to me. Of course, I'm not going to broach that subject on date one,
I believe you've taken the wrong approach. That my partner accepts my children is absolutely, unflinchingly important to me--so I feature them in my photos, mention them in the three things I can't live about, and ask about them in a stage 3 question. I don't mind talking about them on date #1.

You should feature your religion prominently in your profile. Now, do feature other things about yourself, but make it clear your faith is very important to you. If that rules out a woman, that's not a bad thing. You've saved yourself from wasting time/money/feelings on a relationship that would never work out anyway due to religious differences.

It's not like after they get to know you better they're likely to change their stance on such an important issue.
 
  Reply With Quote
sr71blackbird is offline sr71blackbird Post #9  October 14,2011, 11:14am
sr71blackbird's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2011

Florida

Posts: 211

See profile

BenderSastre wrote :
I have recently moved to the Chicagoland area from Utah. I am pleased that my environment stills has a very devoutly Christian feel to it. The problem I haven't met one person my age that is also of my particular denomination. Given the circumstances, I have opened myself up to dating outside my faith, but for me to seriously consider something beyond dating, she'd would have to accept my faith; that is absolutely, unflinching important to me. Of course, I'm not going to broach that subject on date one, but how long should I delay such a very important conversation?
This may just be a stereotype but you say you are from Utah and you want someone from your denomination. Does that mean you are mormon?

If so, I would spell out mormon specifically in your profile, since you are looking for a mormon specifically (or someone open to it) and most people do not think of mormonism when they see Christian.
 
  Reply With Quote
Bakerella_26 is offline Bakerella_26 Post #10  October 14,2011, 2:11pm
Bakerella_26's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2011

Posts: 84

See profile

BenderSastre wrote :
I have recently moved to the Chicagoland area from Utah. I am pleased that my environment stills has a very devoutly Christian feel to it. The problem I haven't met one person my age that is also of my particular denomination. Given the circumstances, I have opened myself up to dating outside my faith, but for me to seriously consider something beyond dating, she'd would have to accept my faith; that is absolutely, unflinching important to me. Of course, I'm not going to broach that subject on date one, but how long should I delay such a very important conversation?
I too am a Christian, and after years of dating in and outside my faith, I've come to a simple conclusion: dating outside my faith just doesn't work.

A lot of people will say "oh, you're just not open to other religions" and "you're just not willing to see new things, or new views." Well, you're right, I'm not. I believe what I believe in, and when I date someone that does not believe what I believe in, things get tense, views differ, and it actually caused a lot or arguing. People have all different kinds of dealbreakers, and this is just one of mine. Shouldn't be a problem.

In my profile, I specify that I'm looking for a Christian man, and in my search, I specify certain denominations that I would prefer. It makes it easier that way.

That's just my take.
Last edited by Bakerella_26; October 14,2011 at 2:13pm. Reason: forgot some information
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Effect of time on Commitment | Relationships | Men in Their 40s, Financial Stress, and Ex-Girlfriends »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Misleading Religion in Profile kwilson Using eHarmony 9 May 23,2010 9:17pm
on atheism, I have to ask, why? OverAnalyzer Atheists, Humorists, and Science 151 March 16,2010 2:11am
A respectful discussion regarding religion. justme27 Religion & Spirituality 4 February 20,2010 10:38am
IQ and Religion dwreese182 Christian Singles 66 February 8,2010 7:12pm
What Religion Are You, Really? Wonderwoman402 Religion & Spirituality 41 October 21,2009 8:36pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:01am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0