bearsgirl is offline bearsgirl Post #1  October 4,2011, 7:03pm
bearsgirl's Avatar

is happy again!

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2008

Northwest Indiana

Posts: 96

See profile

In relationship for over a year. We've been thru his unemployment and my sicknesses and we've been supportive of each other. My recent problem is that he doesn't have a lot of drive (searching for a job rather than waiting for job to come to him, cleaning around the house and outdoors, procrastination, staying on top of his bills). He is working now. The good things are we fit very well together, have a lot of interests in common, still feel the love, he takes very good care of me when I was sick, cooks for me and supports me when I'm upset or sad, I enjoy his company and we still hold hands while watching tv or falling asleep.

Is it a deal breaker for the things he falls short in? Or should I treasure the good we do have even though the shortfalls gives me stress at times and we should just work thru it?
 
  Reply With Quote
singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #2  October 4,2011, 7:08pm
singinggirl's Avatar

Jumping back in the pool.

Veteran

Joined: Jan 2008

Tennessee

Posts: 1,875

See profile

No one can decide this for you. It comes down to deciding whether or not these things are dealbreakers for you. IMHO, if you are questioning it, then your gut may be trying to tell you something.
 
  Reply With Quote
AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  October 4,2011, 7:54pm
AndieIsMe's Avatar

A letter in the mail is more precious than a 1000 IMs

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Nov 2009

Emerald Triangle

Posts: 8,149

See profile

It's only a deal breaker is you consider it something you cannot live with.

Since this was job search related, but I do not know the specifics (fired vs laid off vs just out of college) I can only say that with the current job market, it can become quite discouraging when you don't get called back for a job you are pretty much over qualified for. Also, and this is something I learned myself, most larger companies are sticking with online applications and discouraging walk-in applicants. In fact, all of the big box places I recently applied to require an online application, period. So, there pretty much isn't a reason to step outside of your home unless you are heading to an interview.
 
  Reply With Quote
suzyque is online now suzyque Post #4  October 4,2011, 7:55pm
suzyque's Avatar

.

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2009

Minnesota

Posts: 1,148

See profile

I think you're going to have a hard time respecting him. You can put up with it now, but after you've been married for 10 years or so...it's going to irritate the heck out of you.
 
  Reply With Quote
beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #5  October 4,2011, 8:00pm
beachgirl5's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Sep 2009

Santa Barbara

Posts: 607

See profile

Sounds like a deal breaker if you want a man with drive and ambition. What he's doing now is what he'll always do.
 
  Reply With Quote
bearsgirl is offline bearsgirl Post #6  October 4,2011, 8:03pm
bearsgirl's Avatar

is happy again!

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2008

Northwest Indiana

Posts: 96

See profile

Thanks for feedback. Sooner or later I'll have to figure this out.
 
  Reply With Quote
SCguru is offline SCguru Post #7  October 5,2011, 4:13am
SCguru's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2011

SC

Posts: 31

See profile

Every couple will experience these problems eventually. I wouldn't get discouraged by it unless it was a pattern of habit. As the others say, if it is a deal breaker for you, then listen to yourself. You can always talk to him and see if he was doing most of it from depression of being jobless also. If you plan to stick around, I would get his take on what was going on just to try and get through it easier next time.
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  October 5,2011, 5:04am
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile

(I'm going to try a new approach here.)

I say you hang onto this guy - but above all else, don't talk to him about this, keep him bllissfully unaware of exactly how you feel - until someone else comes along who is more "ambitious" and gives you some attention ...then -wham! - send this procrastinating loser packin' with an "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech.
 
  Reply With Quote
jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #9  October 5,2011, 12:20pm
jimmyh452's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2011

Bean Town

Posts: 1,512

See profile

You do say this is a recent problem. People DO fall into slumps on occasion. Knowing how horrible the job market is, maybe you could be a little more supportive. Maybe he's just totally disillusioned right now. Maybe he'll snap out of it, maybe he won't but I'd say it's premature to kick him to the curb just yet.
 
  Reply With Quote
Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  October 5,2011, 12:40pm
Ingytravel's Avatar

Naps are one of life's great joys:)

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 8,164

See profile

bearsgirl wrote :
In relationship for over a year. We've been thru his unemployment and my sicknesses and we've been supportive of each other. My recent problem is that he doesn't have a lot of drive (searching for a job rather than waiting for job to come to him, cleaning around the house and outdoors, procrastination, staying on top of his bills). He is working now. The good things are we fit very well together, have a lot of interests in common, still feel the love, he takes very good care of me when I was sick, cooks for me and supports me when I'm upset or sad, I enjoy his company and we still hold hands while watching tv or falling asleep.

Is it a deal breaker for the things he falls short in? Or should I treasure the good we do have even though the shortfalls gives me stress at times and we should just work thru it?
I have some questions...

You say that he is working now...so what is it that you are wanting him to do in that area? Is it about a certain dollar amount you want him to make?

Are you contributing at least 50% financially to the relationship?

I assume that you all live together...have you sat down with a list of all the things that need to be done around the house on a regular basis and split these up into things you will do and things he will do?

You say he isn't staying on top of HIS bills...is your name on these or is it directly affecting you financially? If not...then yes..it's ok to be watchful of this and if it's a constant issue to where he is ruining his credit...

And lastly....what areas do YOU fall short in? None of us are perfect...so what are things that you need to work on?

Obviously before actually marrying someone you have to have the core values worked out and finances are a very important issue to discuss. It's a pretty easy fix if you decide to get married that if you are better organized than you can take over the bill paying (writing of the checks)...

Household chores should be an easy thing to work out as well. However...whatever his chores are...let him do them the way he wants and in the time frame he wants but have a weekly schedule. You may get things done in one day while he takes a few...if it gets done...it gets done...

A long term relationship is about working together to compromise on issues that you may do differently.

Wanting him to be exactly like you...or be a perfect person is unrealistic.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Men in Their 40s, Financial Stress, and Ex-Girlfriends | Relationships | bit of cold feet before wedding... seeking wisdom from happily married members. »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
so, what is the deal with hating on stay at home moms? cp30 Chit Chat 126 April 15,2012 6:20pm
Should I stay, or should I go? belledono Relationships 21 July 11,2011 10:50pm
I don't know if I should stay candace1980 Relationships 38 May 21,2010 4:47pm
Stay At Home Mom...Good or Bad?? Teacherman25 Using eHarmony 62 April 26,2010 12:22pm
Women who stay with cheating men: STRONG or STUPID? ennoidyam Relationships 10 October 26,2009 9:28am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:01am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0