Three Reasons Why He Won't Commit

Three Reasons Why He Won't Commit

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Three Reasons Why He Won't Commit


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new_life_2010 is offline new_life_2010 Post #1  September 22,2011, 3:17pm
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I have been trained as a mediator and have worked with both relationship issues and domestic conflict over almost 18 years.  It amazes me how little this author knows about men or men's issues.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #2  September 22,2011, 3:24pm
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I love how many people join advice to say "what the heck? the real world isn't like this at all." Welcome, new_life! Have fun reading the articles - there are some that are even less relatable, if you can believe it.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  September 22,2011, 4:55pm
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Okay! Another Test of the Wisdom of Advice Articles!

wrote :
1. He's afraid you're going to change him. This is when a man feels that you don't really accept him as he is. He's afraid that to please you he will have to change an essential part of himself. He doesn't want to mold himself to be someone he's not. To reassure him, you have to accept who he is and show him that you have no intention of changing him.

Not really.

I welcome change for the better.

I don't mind reasonable efforts from a partner who is receptive to such efforts from me.

I only refuse when it's one-sided.


wrote :
2. He's afraid you only love him for what he can do for you. This is a man's equivalent of feeling like "a piece of meat." If you are only interested in him because you need a man on your arm or someone to spend money on you, he will feel it. He has to know you love him for who he is without all the extras he brings to the relationship. To reassure him, you need to make him feel that you're interested in him and not in what he can do for you.

That's not fear. It's compatibility (and my ability to respect my partner, which I find essential.)

This is easy to avoid, and I do.


wrote :
3. He's afraid you're going to become too dependent on him. This can happen to the best of us when we fall in love. Without realizing it, you neglect your outside interests or stop spending time with your friends. He then feels pressure to spend more time with you; time he might need for his own activities and friendships. To reassure him you won't become dependent on him, he has to see that you have a life apart from him, that you can be happy and fulfilled when he's not around.

This hasn't been an issue for me. But then, that could be due to the type of people I'd date.

It doesn't bother me that a partner wants to be with me, so long as it's healthy.

***

An FYI to the author, men are not "afraid" in this manner.

A more correct term would be "he observed." And from that observation, selected some partners into the commitment-worthy category, and others out of it.

Fundementally, commitment is a fact-based choice. Learn how to be chosen, if commitment is what you seek.
 
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eshine is offline eshine Post #4  September 23,2011, 9:36am
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Three of the most common reasons:1. He doesn't want to commit2. He doesn't want to commit3. He doesn't want to commitBecause if he did, he would work past the reasons given in the article, plain and simple.
 
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oprlvr68 is offline oprlvr68 Post #5  September 23,2011, 10:15am
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A close guy friend commented something similar recently. He "can't commit" for various reasons. It's called Compatibility. And there IS a difference between Dating and Compatibility. You don't discover the latter until the former. In spite the many dates he has endured (and possible 'relationships') he has questioned some of his dates personalities; jealousy, insecurity, etc. He just wants a normal, well-adjusted woman who thinks like him, and shares mutual interests. But who doesn't want this? Makes sense to me.

Change: Nothing extreme. It's a normal process. Desiring to become that 'better person' when you've met the right one. Relationships are not about "changing" someone. You like/love a person for them; not whom you wished they are/could become. If I were dating a disc jockey, and wished he were an awesome karaoke-singer, but he just isn't gifted vocally - would I 'nag' into him to taking voice lessons just to appease my own nature? Of course not. That is selfish. A far-fetched example, but you get the idea.

Dependent: This comes with commitment. Relationship is equal partnership that possibly leads to marriage. There is no such thing as 'dependency' if the relationship is healthy, balanced.

Character: Enough said.
(Sadly, in our modern culture ('instant dating') we oft don't see this trait until months after the fact.)
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  September 23,2011, 3:05pm
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eshine wrote :
Three of the most common reasons:1. He doesn't want to commit2. He doesn't want to commit3. He doesn't want to commitBecause if he did, he would work past the reasons given in the article, plain and simple.

"Working past," in effective practice, means ending the relationship with the incompatible partner and looking for a better one.
 
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supahguy is offline supahguy Post #7  September 23,2011, 11:28pm
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This is a terrible article. First of all if your man feels fear about any of these issues then you don't have a real relationship in the 1st place. A more eloquent way of putting it is that he has doubts or truly rational reasons to not marry or just not marry you. There's a big difference between he's afraid you're going to change him and you are actively trying to mold and shape him into a totally different person. If you don't accept this man for who he truly is then move on. Maybe you could allay his fears if you just back the @#$% off.Piece of meat usually refers to physical body not a man. Some women just need a man. If you make your BF feel like he's just the man of the moment then of course he doesn't want to marry you. This occurs much more frequently vice versa. Many men, especially powerful men, just have a squeeze. If you're his bimbo du jour then thinking he is going to marry you is just stupid in the 1st place.He's afraid you're going to become too dependant on him? I don't think I've ever feared this. When I did experience dependancy like this I told my GF she needed to go call some of her friends etc. and to culture some personal interests of her own. No man I know of fears any of this happening. You really think men sit around thinking about this? A man may fear what marriage leads to but, does not fear your possible future overdependancy upon him.Men fear or become apprehensive about you changing not you changing them if you are prudent. men fear having to pay bills for a household they can't afford. If you appear to be a woman who plans to live in a mansion and he doesn't see how he's gonna swing that he'll be apprehensive. Men fear a future w/ a woman they can't please, if you're too demanding he doesn't wanna marry you. Once he's legally tied to you it's too late.The most common reason a man doesn't wanna get married is b/c he feels he hasn't experienced life fully. This means he is apprehensive about living the same life he presently has or a chrono-version of that life if he marries you he knows that going back to school is harder, travelling is harder and experiencing more women is definitely harder and the door basically closes. He fears living in the same job, same town, in perpetuity only now he has more responsibility, a wife, kids a mortgage. If he didn't have these thoughts he wouldn't be very smart b/c that's the truth.
 
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FrigidWhisper is offline FrigidWhisper Post #8  October 21,2011, 5:51am
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Ummmmm, IM not sure who this author is interviewing. Maybe he came up with these on his own? But as a man, reasons we don't commit its that we usually are waiting to see if anything better comes along. Or maybe we are just not ready to commit because that means we can only date one girl. Its like a child in a candy shop or toy store. But trust me ladies, if you are the right woman for him, he will commit! Every timei have committed toa woman exclusively, it has been the ones that have given me a challenge and kept herself with old fashion qualities. The longer it takes me to get you, the morei will think beforei do stupid shhhhhhh in a relationship to mess it up. For example, if a woman makes me wait over a year for sex, then first it makes me believe that she is not just readily handing her "cookies" to everybody within a few weeks of dating. It makes me also think I worked hard for her attention and not going to lose that and makes me feel special she chooses me to share her time, mind, spirit and body with. But this its so rare with women these days. Most have up to a three month rule or less. Damn I miss those old fashioned females!
 
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Special-K is online now Special-K Post #9  October 22,2011, 8:28am
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This is a bunch of carp!

The *only* reason a guy (or girl) won't commit is b/c he/she doesn't believe *you* are 'the one.'

End story...
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #10  October 22,2011, 10:11am
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Special-K wrote :
This is a bunch of carp!

The *only* reason a guy (or girl) won't commit is b/c he/she doesn't believe *you* are 'the one.'

End story...
Yup. Basic Dating 101.1.
 
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