Work Stress and the Rubber Band Theory


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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #1  September 8,2011, 5:08pm
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The rubber band theory, sometimes called "caving" was labelled by the Men are from Mars author and declares that men will distance themselves periodically when in a committed relationship.

I have notice that my guy does this about every 3 months and it is always work stress related. It concerns me because I feel that when life stress pile up or work stress or any stress, it is healthier to turn to your relationship and partner, now away from them.

I wondered what thoughts do all of you have on this? "Should" a person turn to a relationship under stressfull times is shutting down till the storm passes an acceptable thing? Is it a guy thing?
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #2  September 8,2011, 5:28pm
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I don't think it's a guy thing. I just think that different people handle stress differently. Some people have that mentality of "Let's work together to work this out!" Others believe more in "I can only concentrate on one thing right now, and you're not it."

I think that John Gray's rubber band theory is very valid. And, my first instinct when someone pulls away from me is to chase after them, to try to pull them closer. That always had disastrous results. But, after reading Gray's book, I started to remember the rubber band theory any time I felt that happening... and I stopped chasing. And, he's right. The rubber band will snap back.

Give your guy some space to deal with his work stress in his own way. At a time when he is not stressed, you can ask him what he prefers in time of stress. Does he want your help? Or, would he rather just be in his "man cave" to deal with things by himself?
 
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andrei4285 is offline andrei4285 Post #3  September 8,2011, 5:44pm
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I have definitely done the rubber band thing in the past, also due to work-related stress. My then-girlfriend did "chase" after me, also with pretty bad results. I will also say give him some space.

From my experience, I'm going to guess he probably doesn't want any of the negative emotions from the stress mixing with the relationship.
When he doesn't pull away anymore and is at least somewhat less stressed, a back massage may do wonders for the remaining stress
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  September 8,2011, 10:20pm
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I think it's more common in men to pull away when stressed but it's not really gender-specific; lots of women do it too.

Why do you think it's healthier not to do that? You might be right ... or maybe whatever way someone finds to deal with stress is good, as long as it works and doesn't cause damage. I guess in a relationship with someone who was bothered by it (felt rejected or whatever), it could be damaging. A solution to that could be either or both of them changing their attitude/behavior, right?
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  September 9,2011, 3:51am
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I'm curious, did you even read the book?

I'll break this down for you:

1) He has some kind of problem/issue/stress at work.

2) You aren't a part of his work 'compartment'.

3) He doesn't need to "talk it out" or needs *feel* emotionally good about it.

4) He's a problem-solver and making sure that you are reassured of his emotional involvement with you isn't going to resolve the situation at work. Can you go to his work and help him fix whatever is causing his stress? ...no.

Bottom line ...I'm sure that if he thought he needed your 'help', or in some way thought you even *could* 'help', he would ask for it or say something.

When you say it is "healthier" for your guy to 'turn to you' in times of stress (for what, exactly?) ...what you really mean to say is, "it's healthier *for me* because *I* need to be assured that he is still emotionally involved with *me* and cares about what *I* think".
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #6  September 9,2011, 6:35am
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I tend to avoid people, including friends, at times of high stress at work.

It's not something personal, and I expect friends to understand that (which they appear to).

When under a lot of stress, I tend to get cranky, and don't want to "lash out" at someone.

Also, as a introvert, I feel like it takes energy I don't have, at those times, to "entertain" or "relate" to other people, and if I'm really tired and stressed out, I just want to "relax."

Ideally, you'd want to be in a "good enough" or "close enough" relationship that you don't feel like you have to "put on a front" or "put on a good face" with your romantic partner, so that it doesn't take that drained-away energy .... But I guess it depends on the stage of the relationship.

I personally have never had a relationship in which I was close enough to not "compartmentalize" work-stress. Part of that may have been because, in hindsight, anyone whom I've dated for any length of time, I didn't feel was mature enough to handle empathizing with my work-problems. (And lack of maturity, expressed in other ways, was ultimately the cause of the end of those, relatively short-term relationships.)

Even if I did feel like a woman was genuinely interested in hearing about my work-related problems, and even if she said reassuring, helpful things---which is entirely a hypothetical---I'd feel like I was "corrupting that part of my life" by talking about that with her, when it really doesn't have anything to do with her, and she can't help much. In other words, who wants to listen to someone complain about work all the time, when work has nothing to do with her? It would seem selfish on my part.

On the other hand, I would not "withdraw" for any length of time, regardless of how stressed-out I was, because I would be mindful that it might make a woman feel like she had done something wrong or I was distancing myself from her. It's really more of a difference of, on a particular night, I might come home and feel like, "I don't think I want to call her tonight, I just want to relax and not talk to anyone ... I'll call her tomorrow ..." but I wouldn't go several days like that, or change plans or anything like that.

You say you find this happens about every 3 months, with your guy, OP---over what time period? (i.e. "how much of a pattern is this?")

I don't know that I, personally, necessarily exhibit the standard male paradigm.

If I am tjust generally tired or stressed, I do not want to talk to, or be around, anyone. If I am specifically upset about something, I generally do want to talk about it, and if anything, I want to talk more when I am "specifically upset." Most of my (male) friends like to be around people when they are generally stressed-out, but DO NOT like to talk about things which upset them specifically---and will avoid people if the person or persons in question will "make" them talk about the specific thing which is upsetting him.
 
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Swirlndia is offline Swirlndia Post #7  September 9,2011, 8:12am
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I think everyone in a relationship is entitled for a personal time, whether it's taking a bubble bath and going to a beauty salon or stressing out for a bit about something another partner won't be able to help with. My guy and I work in completely different fields so I don't expect him to fully understand my work-related worries that happen sometimes. Sometimes it's not even worth explaining but if it still occupies my mind, I would share a bit so he doesn't worry why I'm not being myself.

I agree with you that the relationship becomes more meaningful when not only happiness is shared, but all the bumps in life as well. But what I think is important is to learn how to deal with the 'other' sides of their partner (or 'unhealthy' if you wish). If he chooses to shut down and distance himself during this work-related stressful time, I would try to learn what makes him still want to find comfort in me, or learn whether sharing his problems can put his mind to ease, or learn how and when to leave him alone while still being there for him. What makes the relationship strong and healthy is ability to handle both 'attractive' and 'not-so attractive' sides of each other in a positive way.
 
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jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #8  September 9,2011, 9:31am
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LDJ wrote :
The rubber band theory, sometimes called "caving" was labelled by the Men are from Mars author and declares that men will distance themselves periodically when in a committed relationship.

I have notice that my guy does this about every 3 months and it is always work stress related. It concerns me because I feel that when life stress pile up or work stress or any stress, it is healthier to turn to your relationship and partner, now away from them.

I wondered what thoughts do all of you have on this? "Should" a person turn to a relationship under stressfull times is shutting down till the storm passes an acceptable thing? Is it a guy thing?
I'm not sure if this is really a gender thing but if so it's a perfect example of the double standard that men are always supposed to try to understand things from a woman's point of view while women, on the other hand, just project their own beliefs/feelings on to men to decide how men should handle their own emotions. What's healthier for your female psyche may not be the same for men.

Sometimes, we just need some alone time. We're stressed and upset and want a little time to ourselves to unwind. Having to talk through our issues with you is more work and stress for us and really only serves your desire/need to have someone "need" you.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #9  September 9,2011, 10:33am
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Apparently the site is experiencing posting problems again. My apologies if this (or similar) shows up twice.

I have been with a "cave dweller" in the past, and it is now an absolute deal-breaker for me. I will not put up with such hurtful behavior ever again.

It is one thing to need a few hours or even a day to yourself. It is an entirely different thing to cave dwell for days or weeks on end and completely shut out those you supposedly care about.

I want a partner I can share both life's joys and concerns with. I don't want a partner who disappears when everything isn't all hunky-dory.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #10  September 9,2011, 11:52am
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This is eerie. I get the three month cycles with guys too. Maybe there's a hormonal cycle going on that we don't know about.

John Gray is pretty much right most of the time. His original book was pretty radical back in the day. I think it's easy to forget how revolutionary his ideas were. The idea was to help heal some of the gender wars. The intent was totally honorable and positive.

Nowadays I'm just turned off by the schmaltzy delivery and, yes it's shallow I know, by the guy's high pitched voice.

For anyone who hasn't read his stuff, the reason you don't follow a guy (or a masculine woman) into the cave is because you're trying to show you have confidence in him, at a time when he really needs to know you believe in him and his strength and abilities.

Offering advice right then would make it seem like you've come to the conclusion that he's hopeless and can't come up with his own good ideas. Like you think you know better than him what he should do. It's better to wait to be asked when you've got a guy who is already feeling worried and fragile. Basically, it feels to him like you're being his mom, coming into his room and lecturing him. Extremely unsexy.

The rubber band thing is about how too much closeness makes a guy feel like he needs to get his autonomy back, so he withdraws for a time, and then snaps right back because he misses you. That stuff gets less dramatic the longer you are together, thank goodness. But it can be really freaky to experience early on when you're just dating and still hovering around the commitment topic.
 
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