ICheer333 is offline ICheer333 Post #1  August 18,2011, 10:34am
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A little over a month ago I began seeing a man and our relationship quickly grew into seeing one another every day. We have a great time together, he has a wonderful sense of humor, we grew up in the same area, and know lots of the same people/families.

There's this one thing that bothers me though ... he tends to "joke" about my relatively sheltered life (family focused for 25 years) and my lack of social exposure to local clubs/bands/attractions. At one point he laughingly said it was like dating a 12 year old! (I'm 49, he's 54)

I've always felt the time I invested in my family was one of my strengths, but it seems in his eyes that's viewed as a weakness. Only half joking, I told him there were plenty of men who would have fun showing me what I've missed ... I think that went right over his head!

Is my lack of experience a positive or a negative?
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #2  August 18,2011, 11:21am
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I don't think your perceived lack of social exposure and "family-focus" is largely positive or negative.

Comparing one's date to "a 12 year" with regard to a subject matter which she might be sensitive about is, however, a negative ....
 
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HelloKitty2 is offline HelloKitty2 Post #3  August 22,2011, 5:36pm
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I am sorry to hear that he jokes. Is this something you can mention to him that it's unkind to talk like this? I mean, if it does bother you, and this relationship is worth it -- perhaps it's best to share and talk about it?
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  August 22,2011, 6:09pm
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I think you're being too sensitive. There are bigger issues to worry about then a teasing comment. Overall is he mean spirited? Other than this does he treat you well?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  August 22,2011, 7:56pm
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ICheer333 wrote :
A little over a month ago I began seeing a man and our relationship quickly grew into seeing one another every day. We have a great time together, he has a wonderful sense of humor, we grew up in the same area, and know lots of the same people/families.

There's this one thing that bothers me though ... he tends to "joke" about my relatively sheltered life (family focused for 25 years) and my lack of social exposure to local clubs/bands/attractions. At one point he laughingly said it was like dating a 12 year old! (I'm 49, he's 54)

I've always felt the time I invested in my family was one of my strengths, but it seems in his eyes that's viewed as a weakness. Only half joking, I told him there were plenty of men who would have fun showing me what I've missed ... I think that went right over his head!

Is my lack of experience a positive or a negative?
Lack of experience in what, the things he enjoys?

Most of the time one will be required to sacrifice experience in one area for another. I dont know that much about clubs/bands/attractions simply because the focus of my life tends to shift. In fact, I know the absolute LEAST about bands, but I still love music. I know nothing about raising children because I have never done it, but I bet there are a lot of women that have never traveled solo to Rio, or eaten at some obscure Indian restaurant in London where they were eating monkey brains out of the monkeys head at the next table lol!! (okay its not funny, but I think I have made my point)

I'd think this guy was trying to assert some weird sort of superiority over me with that junk. IDK if I would let it bother me though. I think I would just go to Paris the next weekend to be unavailable when he calls.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #6  August 23,2011, 8:45am
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Your lack of experience is a positive because it's part of who you are. You wouldn't be you otherwise. Next time this guy cracks wise about it, address it. While you could snap right back at him, it's possible he would only see that as an invitation to (in his mind playfully) rag on each other even more. It's something guys do to each other all the time without any malice intended at all.

Your best bet for nipping it in the bud is to be vulnerable. Which requires courage. If he is a bad guy, he could really skewer you for it. But let's both hope he's not a bad guy at heart. And that if he knew he was actually hurting your feelings he'd stop.

Next time say something like, "Ouch. That hurt. It hurts my feelings to get teased. I'm not good at being one of the guys, and it makes me feel awful and like I almost want to get up and leave." Then be silent.

If he apologizes and stops, he's just passed a test that shows he has potential as a boyfriend. Even if he gives an excuse or two before apologizing and stopping, that's fine. But if he tells you you're the one with the problem and you need to learn how to take a joke--he fails bigtime. He'd make an insensitive and uncaring boyfriend. Better to know that now.
 
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VolGal is offline VolGal Post #7  August 23,2011, 5:39pm
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I agree with HelenDanger. Great suggestion!
 
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savman is offline savman Post #8  August 23,2011, 6:55pm
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ICheer333 wrote :
Only half joking, I told him there were plenty of men who would have fun showing me what I've missed ... I think that went right over his head!
I think that line would have turned most men on. I think lack of experience if rarely a deal breaker........it is only lack of desire to experience which is a deal breaker for most.

Slightly sheltered with a desire to experience new things is very much a positive to me.
 
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ICheer333 is offline ICheer333 Post #9  August 24,2011, 5:59am
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Thanks you all for your viewpoints. I'm working on becoming less sensitive, and he's working on recognizing when he's thrown a zinger - all good :-)
 
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ICheer333 is offline ICheer333 Post #10  August 25,2011, 12:20pm
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Update - moot point. His barbed "joking and picking" was a red flag I should have paid more attention to. How can a 54 year old man have the social skills of a 3rd grader? Oh well
 
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