dcs930 is offline dcs930 Post #1  August 4,2011, 11:41am
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What time in a new relationship with a freshly divorced man is it appropriate to talk about feelings?

I've been dating a guy for almost two months, and I am beginning to fall for him. I think we both have strong feelings for each other and we are both holding back. Well, I know I am, because I am still scared of getting hurt. I'm becoming vulnerable, which is unfamiliar to me, so I am hesitant to voice my feelings. I don't want to scare him away. I also don't know if what I feel for him is love or infatuation. I have let things go-with-the-flow, given the circumstances. He is going through a divorce, which will be final next week. I have backed off a tad, recently, until it's final because I am assuming his focus is not clear right now. Is his resistance because of this, or because he just doesn't feel the way I do? Since I have never felt so strongly for someone like this before, it would be assuring to know if he does want to move to the next level soon (even if its next year) or if I am wasting my time. I am 28.
Genuine thoughts from experience, please...
 
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healthb is offline healthb Post #2  August 4,2011, 12:06pm
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I would work on the friendship for now as I think it's a good foundation for a loving relationship later. It's been my experience that people need about a year to heal themselves after a divorce. There are exceptions to this rule of course, I am friends with one who met her husband and got engaged as the divorce finalized. After 2 years they seem happy, only time will tell about their future happiness and usually people need to reflect and understand what happened the first time around so they can be a better partner with someone else in the future.

My decision is clear. Personal experience shows me that I am the rule, not the exception. My experiences with men who have divorced within a few months or even just shy of a year have not been good. I can't and won't answer what works for others, but as for me, I will make sure the man I date has been divorced for atleast a year before allowing him to pursue me.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #3  August 4,2011, 12:16pm
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I dated a guy last year who was divorced for 2 years, and he still wasn't in any position to form a lasting relationship. So, time is not the best indicator of readiness. In his case, he had not had any relationships (except perhaps a casual hookup or two) since his divorce. For that reason, after my experience with him, I would stay away from any guy in that same position again. As Healthb said, there are exceptions to every rule - but I would not gamble my heart again on being the "exception".
 
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dcs930 is offline dcs930 Post #4  August 4,2011, 12:17pm
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I am hoping he is the exception. Only because I know a few other "seperated" individuals that have moved on quickly, just not have the paper to officialize their divorce yet. Besides, she cheated on him which probably makes it easier to move on (well, i hope!). He was the pursuer in our relationship, and almost has me swept off my feet. *sigh*
 
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healthb is offline healthb Post #5  August 4,2011, 12:31pm
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dcs930 wrote :
I am hoping he is the exception. Only because I know a few other "seperated" individuals that have moved on quickly, just not have the paper to officialize their divorce yet. Besides, she cheated on him which probably makes it easier to move on (well, i hope!). He was the pursuer in our relationship, and almost has me swept off my feet. *sigh*
I wish you nothing less than the very best and it does seem that cheating helps a man move on quicker. I had a friend in a similar position who is now married to a nice guy who was cheated on in a similar fashion to the one you described, but usually a man needs time to truly heal. Also, there are behaviors that caused the woman to stray to begin with. In every relationship it takes 2 to tango.
 
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FrankTheGreat is offline FrankTheGreat Post #6  August 4,2011, 12:35pm
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People react to divorces differently and every divorce is different. You might have a guy, on the one hand, whose marriage has been dead for years. He's not going to have too much of a hangover from the divorce. Or you might have a guy who just a month ago thought he was spending the rest of his life with his ex. He's going to need some time.

But honestly, I think the odds of hapily-ever-after are stacked against you. It's not so much the ink on the divorce papers isn't dry, it hasn't been applied yet.

Has it been a while since the marriage broke apart?
 
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FrankTheGreat is offline FrankTheGreat Post #7  August 4,2011, 12:39pm
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healthb wrote :
I wish you nothing less than the very best and it does seem that cheating helps a man move on quicker.
I would say it's actually harder. Bad enough you have to deal with betrayal by the one person you're supposed to trust the most, but you're also dealing (in some cases, certainly not all) with a blow to your ego and manhood.

I took a few years to recover from that. And a few meaningless flings.
 
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FrankTheGreat is offline FrankTheGreat Post #8  August 4,2011, 12:43pm
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And for the record, ladies, my divorce has been final for 14 months and it's been 4 years since the marriage broke apart.

The line forms on the left. Please. No pushing.

*crickets*
 
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dcs930 is offline dcs930 Post #9  August 4,2011, 1:04pm
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healthb wrote :
I wish you nothing less than the very best and it does seem that cheating helps a man move on quicker. I had a friend in a similar position who is now married to a nice guy who was cheated on in a similar fashion to the one you described, but usually a man needs time to truly heal. Also, there are behaviors that caused the woman to stray to begin with. In every relationship it takes 2 to tango.
I do agree about the time, which is why I have been "going-with-the-flow"... There is a fairly legitimate excuse to why she cheated on him (not to condone it what-so-ever). He was working offshore, which had him away for long periods of time, and she strayed. Now he doesn't have that job anymore. He advanced into a office/field position, where he is home every night and off weekends. Gosh, now ya'll are making me feel bad for making excuses on his behalf and for me to be with him... :-/
My best friend is almost final as well, and her ex-husband was the pursuer of the divorce for personal and financial reasons. A few months later, she settled down with a man who she has been with for over a year and half now. Her divorce will be final this month. But the ex is screwing her out of all the possessions (which she was the provider). Which I'm sure puts a mental strain on the current relationship.
The other situation is my brother and sis-in-law separated two years ago. Not even filed for divorce for financial and custodial reasons. They have both moved on, both are cordial with each other, and she still attends our functions as my nephews "mom". She has been dating a man for over a year that is very good to her. My brother on the other hand is just too dependent, and hasn't settle with someone else yet... Lol!


FrankTheGreat wrote :
People react to divorces differently and every divorce is different. You might have a guy, on the one hand, whose marriage has been dead for years. He's not going to have too much of a hangover from the divorce. Or you might have a guy who just a month ago thought he was spending the rest of his life with his ex. He's going to need some time.

But honestly, I think the odds of hapily-ever-after are stacked against you. It's not so much the ink on the divorce papers isn't dry, it hasn't been applied yet.

Has it been a while since the marriage broke apart?
He filed for divorce at the end of last year (just before Christmas), so it has actually went really quick, and is part by him pushing it (by context clues).
They have no kids, he was the sole provider, and owner of all the possessions, which is making the settlement easier.
Last edited by dcs930; August 4,2011 at 1:12pm.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #10  August 4,2011, 1:09pm
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Not sure what you mean by, "to the next level". If you want to ask him how soon he would want to be married again.........then yes, bad idea, IMHO.

I think talking in general about if he ever wants to get married again might be a good fair question, and might get you all the information you want to know.

Two months is really early to get extremely excited about "Happily ever after" in my book. And probably in the book of most men, divorced or not.
 
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