5 Relationship Red Flags

5 Relationship Red Flags

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5 Relationship Red Flags


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michellelee150 is offline michellelee150 Post #81  July 26,2009, 2:57am
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Ohiostatefan-

it sounds like your heart is in the right place. The keys here, as far as I can see it, are honesty, communication, and respect.

Before you start a new relationship, it might be really healthy for you to sit down with your ex and her boyfriend, and talk to them about your concerns. If you want to have a new relationship, you have to set clear boundaries on your old one, to protect the new one.

Your new girlfriend will probably feel threatened by the ex (and in a very real way, she should), especially if you're spending a lot of time with the ex. So I'd talk to the ex about how much time you're all spending with each other, and maybe decide, before there's a new woman in the mix, to spend a lot less time with the ex (especially alone). If you talk upfront with your ex first, if she's truly your friend, she will understand your need for more space, to make any future girlfriend feel reassured.

Also, find someone else besides the ex and her boyfriend to go to for relationship advice. There's nothing more horrifying (and I speak from personal experience) than finding out a month into the relationship that everything I've said and done with my boyfriend was known to my boyfriend's ex...who, by the way, used all that information to sabotage the relationship. That probably isn't the case for you, but you need to realize that even if the ex just feels a little jealous of your time with the new girlfriend, she might unconsciously say or do things that undermine your relationship, even without meaning to.

If you've been seeing the new woman any longer than a week, sit her down and be honest, and tell her upfront about the ex. That might be the time to introduce them. Also tell her what kinds of boundaries you have in place with your ex to protect your new relationship. With her, too, honesty, communication, and respect are key. She needs to feel confident that you're doing your part to protect her feelings. You're taking a risk here; she still might not feel comfortable. But if she decides to walk, it'll only have been a week of both your time, rather than several months, and a lot of hard feelings.

It seems like a lot, but if you're really good friends with the ex, she will understand. She will probably need to come to terms with some things, too, like you have: how your relationship has changed, that you won't be spending as much time with her, etc. She will probably have strong feelings about that. Give yourself and her some time to address that before you bring a new woman into your life. If you do, you'll be protecting both your friendship, and the new romantic relationship in your life.
 
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nubabe is offline nubabe Post #82  July 26,2009, 10:52pm
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i'm in this relationship for almost 10 years now and we have 3 kids together and my older one from a previous relationship. so..i just read this article and it sounds so much like my boyfriend. he still have all his ex's pictures and pictures that he takes w/ them, too and i never really think nothing of it because he don't even talk to any of them anymore till just a week ago..i was wondering to myself "why does he still have them around if he's already w/ me" and got curious and so, i asked him and he said for memories. weird...but, shouldn't he just want memories w/ me and not his exes? that was what i was asking to myself. well, he does have all those red flags EXCEPT the last one. which is the opposite, he hardly spend quality time w/ me but, w/ others. so...what does that mean?? should i still stick around?? sometimes, i wish i'm not with him and think we're both wasting our times but, at the same time i don't want to be w/ nebody else, i don't want to start everything all over again.
please..let me know what u think??
thaks alot.
 
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Tanker is offline Tanker Post #83  August 1,2009, 9:02pm
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jdt797 wrote :
It's great to know that there's now a reference to re-read!!

Ended a relationship in which all but one of these was present. He had NO friends. He would say he did, but in 20 months I only met one couple- of which I am closer to them than he is. I just wish that I could warn EVERY woman that will be interested in him. Hopefully they will have read something like this before they get too involved.
what would you warn them about, that he had no friends
 
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gatorgal27 is offline gatorgal27 Post #84  August 11,2009, 3:32am
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oh boy, i wish i had read this 6 years ago. All these signs were there. My problem was that I was taking care of a dying mother and HIM! He wore me down so that I couold not think straight enough to see the lieing, chetaing and conniving. I know his new gal will not see any of this and fall into the same trap. Blinded by the charm. Bless us honest great woman.
 
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panthermlm is offline panthermlm Post #85  September 2,2009, 9:27pm
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O.k.  As far as an ex being in the picture; I agree with that to a point.  It really depends on the situation.  I come from a family where the exs get along with the new significant others and go on vacation together etc...  To me this is not strange and if a man wasn't still friends with his ex I would be a little concerned and wonder why. 
See right now I live with my ex.  We have been broken up for a year.  We were friends before we got together and we still are friends it should have never been more than that.
My ex has a new girlfriend.  To let her know that we are strickly friends and roommates; I wanted to her to come to our home so we could meet and make her feel welcome here. 
Well she doesn't want any part of that and doesn't think it's right that we still live together.  Now me, if the ex wanted to meet me I'd meet her too see for my self that there is nothing more there.
Now in turn she says it's o.k. if he has any other female roommate.  I would feel less concerned if the man lived with his ex that wanted to meet me then if he had a strange woman living with him. Let's be honest most women will try to lay the man whether he has a girlfriend or not.  so again it depends on the situation.
Too much what's supposably right is not always right for all situations.  It all comes down to trust.  The lying thing I agree with but if you don't trust your man or woman then you shouldn't be with them.  if you can't handel them having their exs in  their life (unless there is a good reason for concern) then maybe you should take a look at yourself and see why you feel so threatened.  Maybe it really has more to do with your self-esteem and self worth than it has to do with the exs.  If the exs are trying to get them back and they're falling for it well then yeah run for the hills.  But don't assume all exs want their man or woman back it's not always true.
 
 
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stixoffire is offline stixoffire Post #86  September 2,2009, 10:31pm
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1: Surrounded by Idiots ? - Maybe the one who is reading this advice column is one too ?? So does it matter (Birds of a Feather).
2: "happy loafing around till noon, perhaps they aren’t a mover or a shaker. Most would agree that driven, determined " : Loaded with Cash - so don't need to work before noon, mover or a shaker - do they need to be? Driven and Determined attractive - it can also be very unattractive. Besides if you have millions and decided to just retire - do you need to be driven and determined - or shouldn't you just enjoy life and the fruits of your labor.
3. Nothing going on nobody is very interesting to them.. or maybe they read this column and decided all those people seemed to fit this column - so they don't have anything going anymore.4: This advice sounds like it was written by a high maintenance female with out any REAL research to back it up. 
 
 
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moptop is offline moptop Post #87  October 8,2009, 6:46pm
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Exes should not be in the picture. This is asking for trouble. An ex is an ex for a good reason.  Just to avoid conflict and respect your new relationship, get rid of an ex as a friend. I don't think it means your partner is jealous or has low self esteem b/c they don't like the idea of your ex.  How can you be friends with someone you used to be sexually involved with? So, you have a new relationship, and you are intimate with this person also, and share the deepest parts of yourself with them, and still maintain a friendship with someone whom you previously shared these same things with? Not cool.Your season with the ex is over. Get some new friends! I have had to deal with this ex crap before, and I tried accepting it, only to find he was still in love with her, and she was putting me down behind my back. I have read some people here saying they live with an ex. That is not healthy.  Most people don't want to date someone who is living with an ex. That is not a good first impression to give to someone.
 
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sugartree12 is offline sugartree12 Post #88  October 27,2009, 2:14pm
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In some relationships where there are children between the two parties, there will be communication. The new partner needs to clearly decide if they want to be in this relationship. Problems with children are always going to crop up. But if that communication leads to being present at inopportune times then it is time to talk. Lines need to be clearly defined, as to when, where, and how often-the ex-partner needs to be involved.
 
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bikinglady is offline bikinglady Post #89  November 17,2009, 5:09pm
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My boyfriend is still in contact with the Ex wife on a regular basis because of the dog. They meet each other twice a week. Text regularly. Should i worry ?
 
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Sweetcheery is offline Sweetcheery Post #90  December 11,2009, 5:52am
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Iam dating a 36 year old and am 25 ,His divorsed and has a child with a high school girl friend who is now married and another child (4 month old) with his ex. I love him however i have fear that what if i also happen to fall preg and he leaves? His a prosecuter by profession and chances are he might want to apply for a btter position somewhere. What do i do now, run for my life or stay?
 
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