smalltownlady is offline smalltownlady Post #1  July 18,2011, 12:14pm
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So he and I sat down last night to have a conversation that I initiated about my concerns with where we are going. Short story:

-dating 18 months
- got engaged
- set a date, but it didn't feel right, so I postponed it (before any major expense incurred)
- we started off long distance, but he moved to my town 5 months in (his choice)
-since the move, he's never held a job longer than 2.5 months (most he quit because they weren't "right")
- he decided to do a 4 month course to become a personal trainer that he completed a month ago; still no job
- not living together (I wasn't willing to until after marriage)

However:
- he is a great guy, super sweet, affectionate and nice
-he loves my family- has become great friends with my brothers
-we have a good time together and enjoy each others company
-I love him

Essentially I'm tired of him not working. I have a solid job (have since before we started dating). I don't think he's working hard enough to get a job. (Which may not be fair given the economy, but that's how I feel). I'm also tired of bankrolling our dates and relationship (he's covering his school, but he rarely pays for dinners out or movies etc). I feel bad asking him to pay because I know he's broke. And when I thought we were moving forward, I didn't really care, but lately it's upsetting me.

I think I was patient to wait while he did this 4 month course. Before he started the course, we agreed that if he wasn't working by July 31, it's fair for me to end the relationship. Now July 31 is staring us in the face. When I asked him about that last night, he said he forgot about the deadline. ( I reacted badly to the fact that he forgot it, and the conversation kind of derailed from there with me telling him that I've invested 18 months, and I need to cut my losses. He reacted badly to being considered a loss. Fair enough.

Baring some miracle, he won't have job by July 31. But even though I'm upset, I still love him and hate the idea of breaking up. But I know I'm not happy, and I don't think I'm making him happy when I'm constantly angry. But he keeps telling me he doesn't want to break up, so if it happens, it will have to be me who does it.

I guess my question is does anyone seeing anything salvageable here? Or do I cut my losses?
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #2  July 18,2011, 2:44pm
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No, it isn't salvageable because you don't want to salvage it. Stop putting him down and just end it kindly and cleanly.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  July 18,2011, 3:39pm
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Agree with HelenDanger.

The "repair" needed here is in your head.

I doubt you'll do it (and I doubt I would, either, so that's not a knock.)

***

If the "shoe were on the other foot," would you expect to be supported? ("Of course, that's what men do!") Or, is your premise that any failure of economic attainment is a jettison-able offense?

If I were him, I would not be staying with you, based on that attitude.

***

I see it as fine not to make a commitment to a person of minimal employment (I would do the same.)

I also see it as fine to walk away from someone you love, with attractive personal qualities, over this issue (again I would do the same.)

***

But if it's miracles you seek, this is one you can make happen.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #4  July 18,2011, 3:51pm
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Danger is right. You don't respect him and you're going to make his life harder. It's difficult to be with a man who can't support you. It doesn't mean you are a bad person if you don't want to do it. Break it off cleanly. In your head it's already over unless he becomes a different person overnight. He won't be able to do that.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #5  July 18,2011, 3:52pm
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If he were asking I would suggest that he finds someone who loves him for all his positive qualities and doesn't criticize him or give him ultimatums for being jobless in a tough economy one month after completing his certification. Since you're asking, like Helen says, either be a loving, supportive partner--or let him go so he can find one.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  July 18,2011, 4:10pm
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What kinds of efforts is he putting into finding a job? Why did he go into a training program like that without likely job prospects lined up? If you are, indeed, from a small town like your name says there would be limited employers for a personal trainer. Was the training started with reality in mind as far as getting a job in that field once he finished?

Personally, I've been married to a guy who couldn't keep a job and then had unrealistic career ambitions that never came to fruition. I could not, in good conscious, advise someone else to stay in such a relationship... UNLESS you two already had an agreement that you would be the breadwinner and he would be marginally employed and later be the one to stay home with kids who come along.
 
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ChristianBrother is offline ChristianBrother Post #7  July 18,2011, 4:21pm
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The number 1 cause of divorce in America is money issues. And he has no job and appears to not be willing to honetly look for work. The fact that you are concerned about his long term prospects and that you are asking complete strangers whether or not you should end it gives me your answer.

You think you should end it? Then end it and be done with it.
 
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ChristianBrother is offline ChristianBrother Post #8  July 18,2011, 4:28pm
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Is this the same guy from your thread last year? (Need to Breakup but don't want to hurt him)

If so, absolutely end it. You've evidently been thinking of just that thing for over a year now. It is time for both of you to get on with your lives, I think.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #9  July 18,2011, 4:38pm
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No, I agree with the others - it's time to end it.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  July 18,2011, 7:50pm
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Sex and money are the two major deal breakers. I married Mr. Nice Guy (College educated and smart) but didn't want to work for Corporate America. He started one business after another while I footed most of the bills. Although I could well afford it. I lost respect for him, and the fact that he was comfortable with me carrying most of the burden was of putting. I'm now divorced. You don 't need a child in your life. You need a man. If he's interested in maintaining the relationship he'll find a job.
 
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