Rh is offline Rh Post #1  May 22,2011, 4:45pm
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I have been seeing someone now for just a little bit over two years. The heat is on to progress the relationship, i.e. move in together. We both have two kids to previous marriages (although I only see mine every other weekend plus occasionally during the week) and the two sets of tribes get on well. Since the heat has come on I have been trying to work out why I was having barriers with the scenario. Afterall, we have been in a committed relationship for two years, have very similar interests so I am not sure why I cannot commit. I am sad to think that it is for selfish reasons I cannot do this. I find it hard to get my head around the fact that I will living with and helping to raise someone else's kids.

Since my marriage split I have had time to find myself and work out what I enjoy most. I am afraid that any spare time I have now to enjoy those new found "me times" will be lost. This can only lead to resentment.

Am I being selfish? Yes! Is this wrong? Maybe! I often think that if she was single then I would not be hesitating.

Confused much? Indeed!

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #2  May 22,2011, 5:10pm
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Yeah, the part-time dad who enjoys his "me time" is a selfish fellow. Parenting is normally a full-time job.

The man I am dating officially had "every other weekend and one weeknight" visitation, but he was so involved in his own kids' lives (teacher conferences, taking time off when they were sick, ball games, talking to them daily, etc.) you would never have known he only had "visitation." As a result, now that his kids are older they prefer spending time with him than they do with their mom who had full custody.

Have you talked to your girlfriend about your feelings? Perhaps she doesn't even want you to be filling in for the dad in her kids' activities. Perhaps her vision of you two living together would have each of you having an opportunity for "me time."

Or perhaps you are just immature and have a lot more growing up to do before you commit to any relationship.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #3  May 22,2011, 5:16pm
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Rh wrote :
I have been seeing someone now for just a little bit over two years. The heat is on to progress the relationship, i.e. move in together. We both have two kids to previous marriages (although I only see mine every other weekend plus occasionally during the week) and the two sets of tribes get on well. Since the heat has come on I have been trying to work out why I was having barriers with the scenario. Afterall, we have been in a committed relationship for two years, have very similar interests so I am not sure why I cannot commit. I am sad to think that it is for selfish reasons I cannot do this. I find it hard to get my head around the fact that I will living with and helping to raise someone else's kids.

Since my marriage split I have had time to find myself and work out what I enjoy most. I am afraid that any spare time I have now to enjoy those new found "me times" will be lost. This can only lead to resentment.

Am I being selfish? Yes! Is this wrong? Maybe! I often think that if she was single then I would not be hesitating.

Confused much? Indeed!

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks
I'm guessing "heat" refers to your GF?
yep... it's gonna be a compromise for sure.. you're going to have to learn to schedule your time better..
Ones thing is for sure, harboring feelings of resentment once you move in isn't going to be good for either of you.
I would sit down with her and ask what she expects of you.
It's going to be a big adjustment for all the kids, also.

Both of you need to have time to yourselves once in a while even if that means you have to reorganize things, have sitters on stand by, etc.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #4  May 22,2011, 5:30pm
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I don't mean to sound harsh, but yes you are acting very selfish. When you started dating her, you knew she had two kids, as the relationship advanced, you knew she had two kids. Now 2+ years in you are worried about having your "own" time? You also state that you don"t want to raise someone else's kids...did it just occur to you now that if your relationship with this woman continued that at some point you would be helping her raise her kids....you did not consider this over the last 2+ years?
With that said, how you feel is how you feel and you can't negate your own feelings. I think you are going to have to sit down with your gf and have a long heart to heart because it sounds to me as if she has no clue that you feel this way. Maybe there can be a compromise that you both can come to. In the end though, whether it is selfish or not, you have to do what is right for you, otherwise there will be resentment on your part and then the relationship would not survive.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  May 22,2011, 5:42pm
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Is it the girlfriend applying the "heat"? Does she have custody of her kids?

Me...I would never suggest living together. I'd go straight for marriage...but that's just me.

But I guess if I was you...afraid of losing my "me times" and resenting her for it...

I probably wouldn't do it until I was sure. Especially with those kids. No sense getting them all confused, thinking they have a real family again...and maybe disappointing them in the end.

I'd hate to see the kids lose out somehow.

Good Luck.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; May 22,2011 at 8:46pm.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  May 22,2011, 5:48pm
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Rh wrote :
I find it hard to get my head around the fact that I will living with and helping to raise someone else's kids.

Since my marriage split I have had time to find myself and work out what I enjoy most. I am afraid that any spare time I have now to enjoy those new found "me times" will be lost. This can only lead to resentment.
You are quite right to give these issues serious consideration. There will, undoubtedly, be a change to your life. I have bolded what I see as the two key issues.

It seems to me that to a large extent these changes have already taken place. You are already spending time with her children and possibly even taking on step-parenting type roles. If you get along with them and the extended family, I don't see a huge problem here.

The loss of "me" time might be a bigger issue. I know that both my husband and I sacrificed "me" time when we had children, but that was a mistake. We thought that it was somehow noble to dedicate all our time to our children, but we were wrong. We all need to maintain our interests and identities, and it takes planning to make sure that you can do that.

You may not have all of the same interests and alone time if you become a married man as you do now, but you can certainly plan to maintain enough to keep your own identity and to recharge your emotional batteries.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  May 22,2011, 5:49pm
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Yes, whatever you do... DON'T move in with her and her kids unless you are 100% sure. It's one thing to mess with an adult, but another thing entirely to bring the kids into it.

j8a has got me curious.... why do you feel pressure to move in with her? And why don't you want to marry her?

Again, don't set up to "play house" with her with the idea of backing out if you think you're not getting enough "me time." There are 4 kids watching... don't set a bad example for them! If you can't man up entirely, then bow out.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #8  May 23,2011, 6:40am
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It's my opinion that you are being selfish. It's not selfish to know yourself enough to know that you don't want the kind of lifestyle where you add more kids into the mix. It is selfish to have gotten into a relationship with a woman who you know already has two kids with (this is an assumption here) no up front understanding that you did not want to parent more children.

I see this happen a lot inside and outside my circle. Guy meets girl (probably happens the reverse way too I just haven't personally seen it), enjoys her time despite knowing that he really doesn't want to settle down, a couple years go by and when push comes to shove, dumps her because he doesn't want the added responsibility. In the meantime, he does everything in his power to keep her around by telling her that "someday" they are going to (fill in the blank). Maybe it's get married or move in together or have a family. The hope of her getting what she wants keeps her around.

Don't sugar coat it in your own mind. You are being selfish. There are children involved here. Either step up or get the heck out of there.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  May 23,2011, 7:21am
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I think this is a no brainer.

You simply aren't compatible with this lady.

You are being pressured to move in with someone but you don't want to be a part of their family unit and have the responsibility.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  May 23,2011, 7:25am
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
Yeah, the part-time dad who enjoys his "me time" is a selfish fellow. Parenting is normally a full-time job......
He may only be allowed part time access to his children. You're assuming the amount of access he has is all of his making. I think it's a big leap to start calling him 'selfish' because he's a part time dad.


Wonderwoman402 wrote :
....Or perhaps you are just immature and have a lot more growing up to do before you commit to any relationship.
I doubt it. From reading his post all I can speculate is that he is probably better off with a relationship with a lady who has no children responsibilities - either because she has no children or because they are grown up.
 
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