Mike8319 is offline Mike8319 Post #1  February 6,2011, 7:51pm
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I've been with this girl for about a year and a half now... And I've noticed a pattern and I'm trying to understand what it means.

Let me just explain a situation first so you know what kind of situations I'm talking about... It is chinese new year and my gf is Chinese. So there are a lot of family gatherings. I'm white... I do not speak chinese. I met her at a coffee shop and we started out as friends. Now... At these gatherings they all speal cantonese and no one really talks to me that often. She usually will just talk to them in cantonese and I am usually left sitting there trying to look content.. smiling... and triyng to be pleasant. She taught me some chinese to say last night for new years... Gung hey fat choi... and Sun ty geen hong (Happy new year and good health are what these phrases mean.) I know a few other cantonese phrases but not nearly enough to say much or understand them.

I find it very mentally draining to just sit there surrounded by people I do not know with a gf who doesn't talk to me much during it... So after two of these family dinners she has yet to say she appreciates me being there and trying to get to know her family. On the way home yesterday she just started criticizing me. Telling me I need to speak louder when I say chinese and just going off on what I did wrong. I was just sitting there polite. And replying when spoken to and trying to get into the conversation but it's quite difficult when everyone is speaking chinese.

I told here she should appreciate that I am trying and not just critcize me. She said "you're right" and then didn't say anything else.

The next day I am talking to her on MSN and I ask if she does appreciate it? Because she doesnt really show it. And I ask her to say sorry about the other night in the car for just criticizing and not appreciating my efforts.

She argues with me to the death about why she shouldn't and ends the conversation with "I don't want to have to think about anyone else. I just want to focus on my career. I'm going to the party alone tongiht and staying at my parents all weekend. I don't want to think bout other people... bleh bleh bleh."

She does this anytime I bring up her doing something wrong. Usually she will end up trying to say she wants to break up with me and telling me she's not coming home. She has a pretty stressful job... Sometimes I feel like she is so stressed at work she just doesn't want to deal with me or anything else... so she just automatically defaults to wanting to cut me out of her life.

Can you tell me what's going on here? Does she only pull this stuff when she knows I'm right? Is she unable to say sorry for things? Is she selfish cold? We get along for like weeks straight sometimes without arguing at all and then we do and it's ok... but so long as I want something from her... no matter how small... she just can't deal with it. Even if it's right for her to deal with it.

She never gives. It really does seem like I am the one who compromises... Like I am the one who tries to view things from her point of view. She is very considerate to her friends and family... and their feelings... But for some reason she just doesn't want to be with me.

Why is that? What the hecks going on here? Why this pattern?
 
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szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #2  February 6,2011, 9:05pm
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That's just the way she is. Either accept it (I'm guessing unhappily) or move on.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  February 7,2011, 2:25am
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And you are with her why?

Not to be flip, but this doesn't seem like a very happy situation. Why put up with it? Are there other, better, things that make up for when she treats you like this?

First, if she can't apologize, that might be something she needs to learn. Not every family or culture teaches humility and respect for others, especially when those others are not of the same ethnicity.

Demanding an apology won't elicit a sincere one. So, don't do that any more. You aren't her parent. You can tell her you would appreciate an apology when she behaves badly, but don't make it specific. If you bring up the incident then ask for an apology you are just setting yourself up for hurt feelings. Do it in a more general way. "It hurts me when you criticize me about the way I speak your language." is more general than "You hurt me when you criticized me about the way I speak your language last night after dinner with your family."

Are you both young?

The next time she does the "I don't want to think about anyone else" thing, give her room to not. She may be yanking your chain to get a reaction and make you feel guilty or anxious that she might leave you. Don't let her do that to you. Tell her "I can tell you want some space. Give me a call when you make up your mind." Or something similar, but along the lines that sounds like you.

You have to decide if putting up with this treatment is going to be acceptable for the long term. Demanding basic respect is not out of line.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #4  February 7,2011, 5:00am
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you're doing nothing wrong and she has invited you to dump her by her obnoxious behaviour. sorry you are experiencing this. I hope you move on and find someone a lot nicer.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  February 7,2011, 5:02am
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You already know the answer - yes, she is selfish; no, she cannot stomach saying "I'm sorry" even if her life depended on it; her threats of going to break up with you is her way of gaining an upper hand in an argument she otherwise can't win, since you actually back off instead of telling her to take a hike - highly manipulative of her but also highly effective and she knows this. Incidentally, this also means that you care more than she does about the relationship.

In a nutshell, she won't change and you need to figure out what you want to do. Are you happy? Are you really willing to live like this forever? How long can you make excuses for the way she is treating you? Basically, you can either continue to put up with it as you have been or you can call her out on her threats and tell her to go ahead and take a hike. Realize that her threat may not be an empty one so be prepared to mean what you say if you call her out. If you tell her to take a hike and then come back begging her to return to you.....well.....you will have lost her respect for life and she will treat you even worse.
 
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JackAfrica is offline JackAfrica Post #6  February 7,2011, 5:21am

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Not much good fortune with this cookie is there?
Dude, (or whatever they say in HK) - here is a surefire way to stop a nagging women who goes off in your car. Stop at the next bus stop and eggroll her out.

I wouldn't put up with this kind of multicultural nonsense for all the tea in China.
Last edited by JackAfrica; February 7,2011 at 5:23am.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  February 7,2011, 5:22am
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She is not ready for a relationship, no less a bi-cultural one. Do you live together, or does she live with her family and just say at your place ?

Her family is very tight-knit, her entire world and security.........they come first.........you are an outsider, disposable. They may all smile and nod at you......but do they actually accept you?

As far as break-up tantrums every time she doesn't get her way or "win" an argument?....... just another sign of emotional immaturity and attempts at controlling everything.

The best way to deal with this is.......call their bluff........break up and ask her to leave / move out............this childish behavior needs to be addressed like a parent who follows through, rather than give in to teenager tantrums.

It sounds like an impenetrable situation.......hope you find a mature relationship......Good Luck.....

Mike8319 wrote :
I've been with this girl for about a year and a half now...
my gf is Chinese. So there are a lot of family gatherings. I'm white... I do not speak chinese.At these gatherings they all speak Cantonese
On the way home yesterday she just started criticizing me. Telling me I need to speak louder when I say Chinese
"I don't want to have to think about anyone else. I just want to focus on my career.
I'm going to staying at my parents all weekend. I
Usually she will end up trying to say she wants to break up with me and telling me she's not coming home. She is very considerate to her friends and family...
 
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RandomConstant is offline RandomConstant Post #8  February 7,2011, 6:18am
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Not directly related to the relationship: I don't speak chinese myself, but I know the actual pitch of syllabs is important in that language, unlike what we western speakers are used to. While saying "Happy new year" by stressing the last part will mean just the same, in chinese that could mean something entirely different. Did she tell you about that subtlety which is obvious for her, but unknown to us?

Maybe she was concerned about this, and expressed it very poorly. Then again that might have nothing to do at all, and that's my guess.
 
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LovelyLinda04 is offline LovelyLinda04 Post #9  February 7,2011, 8:19am

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You do have options like taking a course in speaking Chinese Cantonese! You can use the Rosetta Stone Method as shown on TV or take a course in school.

There are many methods available, if you really would like to learn to speak it? Don't tell your G/F surprise her at the next social function.

The 2nd. is to find a Cantonese Speaking Guidance Counselor, who can Tudor you in both understanding the Chinese people, your G/F's poor behavior and also teach you to speak Cantonese.

There is a communications problem and a lack of cultural understanding on your part, so if you want to be treated with respect you will have to earn it the old fashion way.

Currently you are her escape from living with her parents, but that will change soon, if you don't grow up and act like a man and start to use your brains. Smarten up or you'll lose your fortune cookie!

L.L.
Last edited by LovelyLinda04; February 7,2011 at 8:22am.
 
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realestatedon is offline realestatedon Post #10  February 7,2011, 8:53am
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Picture yourself 10, 20, or 50 years from now. Look any better?
 
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