3 1/2 months and she's flaking out


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DavidVincent is offline DavidVincent Post #1  February 2,2011, 9:25pm
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Been in a relationship with this woman for 3 and a half months. We hit it off right from the start, talking on the phone for almost 4 hours the first conversation. Since then, we've spoken for an hour or two or three almost every single night. Not a huge amount of dates (about 3 or so a month) but that's due to both of us having odd schedules. No sex yet. Anyway, we had tentative plans for Saturday night, depending on when she would get done with work. I get a text in the afternoon saying it wouldn't work. Next text sent when she got out at 8:30. I respond with a text saying to call when settled in. Nothing. Sunday I try to call a couple of times, no pickup & send a text, no response. Monday, I send a text asking if everything is alright and get a text back telling me she's really busy, although Sunday and Monday were both days off. Sent a couple of more texts on Monday and then a couple more on Tuesday with no replies. I'm sorry but I just don't get it. We're not kids. I'm 53, she's a few years younger. To me, its extremely rude behavior to not reply. Its certainly not something that I would ever do to somebody, no matter how busy I was, least of all someone who I was dating. How hard is it to answer the phone and talk for a couple of minutes? Curious as to what people think. Is she kicking me to the curb and just being passive aggressive about it or am I overreacting? I made no attempt to contact her today nor will I. Whatever the outcome is, I would just like to know something rather than having to guess. At this point, as much as I like her, and I do like her a great deal, I don't know if I could continue with someone who would just disappear like that and think that it was acceptable behavior. It just strikes me as indicative of the person potentially having bigger issues.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #2  February 2,2011, 9:48pm
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Sounds like there is some failure in communication, or failure in making this happen.

But it sounds like she has someone else she is interested in and is pulling away from you. Why would she do this---i am not sure. Maybe she was hoping for this to go somewhere but read in your actions that you werent interested in her than much.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  February 2,2011, 10:23pm
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Hi DavidVincent and welcome to EHA.

That's called "poofing" -- when someone just disappears like that. It's rude, no one likes it, and yet it keeps happening.

The only thing in your post I might wonder about though is how much time you've spent on the phone (a lot) versus how much time you've spent in person together (not a lot). I think that's a mistake ... until you have a well-established relationship, too much phone/email can make it seem like things are progressing, and you're connecting, when really it's kind of stalling out.

Schedules are hard to deal with but do you feel you really made your best effort to get together with her? If yes ... then she's a poofer; better luck next time. If no ... that could be what the problem is. And in that case you could contact her not with "how are you" or "why haven't you answered" but a specific invitation like "let's have dinner, friday at 8, ok?"
 
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DavidVincent is offline DavidVincent Post #4  February 2,2011, 10:29pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
Sounds like there is some failure in communication, or failure in making this happen.

But it sounds like she has someone else she is interested in and is pulling away from you. Why would she do this---i am not sure. Maybe she was hoping for this to go somewhere but read in your actions that you werent interested in her than much.
I spoke to her almost every night. That doesn't show interest? I also tried to see her whenever it was possible but many nights she works until 8 or 9 and has to be up early the next day. If its any mistake I made it was showing too much interest, not not enough.

The other issue is she has yet to let me in to her place. She's been to mine a couple of times but she gives me an excuse as far as going to her place.
Last edited by DavidVincent; February 2,2011 at 10:33pm.
 
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butternut is offline butternut Post #5  February 3,2011, 2:06am
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There something that she is hiding or ashamed of. After almost 4 months of dating not being invited over to someone's home is unusual and would be unacceptable to me. If you are unwilling to make any more attempts at contact you'll just have to accept that you might never hear from this lady again and chalk it up to one of those 'what the heck' experiences.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #6  February 3,2011, 2:40am
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It's been along time to have so little happening. So she works late, you talk on the phone a lot, she has been to your place...........But .....what's with her home?.......boyfriend / husband / sty?.....Have to agree.there's more wrong herethan not returning a call / text.
DavidVincent wrote :
I spoke to her almost every night. That doesn't show interest? I also tried to see her whenever it was possible but many nights she works until 8 or 9 and has to be up early the next day. If its any mistake I made it was showing too much interest, not not enough.
The other issue is she has yet to let me in to her place. She's been to mine a couple of times but she gives me an excuse as far as going to her place.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #7  February 3,2011, 4:13am
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DavidVincent wrote :
Been in a relationship with this woman for 3 and a half months. We hit it off right from the start, talking on the phone for almost 4 hours the first conversation. Since then, we've spoken for an hour or two or three almost every single night.Not a huge amount of dates (about 3 or so a month) but that's due to both of us having odd schedules. No sex yet.
For some reason the 3 month mark is a fork in the road when it comes to dating. Either you stroll down the path to being exclusive or take the bumpy road to splitsville..

IDK - that's an awful lot of communication to be having in the early stages. In the beginning it's all good- the freshness is still there for both parties. However as the honeymoon stage starts to fade. You have a better sense of the person you are dating and how much work they require. Then the interest fades or was never there to begin with.

wrote :
Anyway, we had tentative plans for Saturday night, depending on when she would get done with work. I get a text in the afternoon saying it wouldn't work. Next text sent when she got out at 8:30. I respond with a text saying to call when settled in. Nothing. Sunday I try to call a couple of times, no pickup & send a text, no response. Monday, I send a text asking if everything is alright and get a text back telling me she's really busy, although Sunday and Monday were both days off. Sent a couple of more texts on Monday and then a couple more on Tuesday with no replies.
Don't be that guy who calls-calls-calls and then texts when they don't pick up or respond. This is borderline smoothering..

Yes. I know your were concerned about her well being. However you can't make people reply or respond if they don't want to or when you want them to..

wrote :
I'm sorry but I just don't get it. We're not kids. I'm 53, she's a few years younger. To me, its extremely rude behavior to not reply. Its certainly not something that I would ever do to somebody, no matter how busy I was, least of all someone who I was dating. How hard is it to answer the phone and talk for a couple of minutes?
Nobody gets it- but it happens- actions speak louder than words. It's when we people don't behave the way we want them to, we call them rude. Everyone handles this issues differently. IMO she just didn't want to face the music.


wrote :
Curious as to what people think. Is she kicking me to the curb
Yep.. there is a boot print on your backside.

wrote :
I don't know if I could continue with someone who would just disappear like that and think that it was acceptable behavior. It just strikes me as indicative of the person potentially having bigger issues.
The 3 month mark is usually when people start to show their true colors..

*** **
I think most of us have been in a similar position at some point in our e-dating journey- and it stinks.. Just stay positive and move on from this one..

Good luck and welcome to the boards.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #8  February 3,2011, 4:48am
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David. welcome,

sorry the first time you come here is because you're going through this.

what excuses did you get regarding not allowing you to go to her house? If she has more than one boyfriend then that could be a reason why she doesn't want her address to go out to you.


"Is she kicking me to the curb and just being passive aggressive about it" - yes.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; February 3,2011 at 4:52am.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  February 3,2011, 4:51am
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DavidVincent wrote :
I just don't get it. We're not kids. I'm 53, she's a few years younger. To me, its extremely rude behavior to not reply. Its certainly not something that I would ever do to somebody
What you wrote there is probably what I'd text her and then I'd delete her number.

If she's like this now, you're better off moving on and finding someone more mature and able to communicate and not behave so cruelly.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  February 3,2011, 4:59am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
.....Schedules are hard to deal with but do you feel you really made your best effort to get together with her? If yes ... then she's a poofer; better luck next time. If no ... that could be what the problem is. And in that case you could contact her not with "how are you" or "why haven't you answered" but a specific invitation like "let's have dinner, friday at 8, ok?"
I don't think a dinner invitation would be a good idea - she sent a text saying "it wouldn't work" and then hasn't replied to his texts.

Don't respond to negative behaviour with offers of dinner and as they had plans for the weekend and she has disappeared, offering her a date would be mad.

She should be making amends with him and asking him for another chance and offering him something to make up for treating him badly - not him effectively saying "it's fine to treat me like this, here is your reward!" which is what he would be saying if he just made an unconditional offer to meet for dinner.
 
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