delocated is offline delocated Post #1  February 2,2011, 2:12pm
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This is my inaugural post seeking advice/opinions on a long-distance relationship "situation" (among other things). I'm curious about an outsider's perspective (if you can get through this tome). Initial rundown: I met this lovely woman online in the beginning of November who lives a little over 2 hours away from me. [Age facts: I'm 24, she's 23] We spoke on the phone once after exchanging emails for a while, and decided to meet up. We spent a Sunday together which went incredibly well. The next weekend, she came to my place (Black Friday weekend) and spent the entire 3-day weekend here. Anyway, we have loads in common, have remarkably similar senses of humor (we're both quirky goofballs), and we immensely enjoy each other's company. Since we met, we've spent every weekend together (alternating between her town, my town), and talked on the phone about every day. We've become extremely close (emphasis on extremely), and I can confidently say she's become my best friend, which is all I could hope for at this point. I'm more comfortable with her than anybody else I know. We've also met each other's parents (her parents are awesome), and we spent Christmas together at her place with her two roommates/best friends (also awesome).

Enter complications. She has a history of short-term relationships that she attributes to an "inability to love" another romantically; a "numbness", so to speak. She's never been in a long-term relationship. She's basically had several friends with physical relationships (and not been treated well in these relationships). She believes that this could be related to her relationship with her neglectful and narcissistic biological father. For instance, she feels anxiety and feels uncomfortable after we've been physical or anything beyond friends. I've asked if she wanted to see other people, but she said she's done with dating. I thought maybe it had something to do with the implications of the labels of being in a relationship; as if it meant she couldn't be the independent person that she is, continue to hang out with her friends and also be in a relationship. She basically doesn't want it because the commitment and devotion expected makes her uncomfortable and pressured and she's not ready for it. Having said all that, she says that she, without a doubt, wants me in her life because I'm her best friend and she loves me. We recently took about a 3-week break of not seeing each other (though we still spoke on the phone every couple days or so). I met up with her this past weekend and we hung out as usual; myself, aware of the fact that she needs to be friends and "feel single," so I didn't try anything "unfriendly". She ends up being the one who's coming onto me. The day after I left, we talked on the phone, and again she was feeling anxiety and uncomfortable. She can't explain it and she feels broken because of it. It's confusing to me because she seems to want to do boyfriendy/girlfriendy things, but it turns out wrong for her after the fact.

I'm trying to figure this situation out, because she's made it clear that she's not interested in other people and she would be heartbroken should we part ways (and I absolutely want to be with her). Yikes, this is a very long and angsty post...
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #2  February 2,2011, 3:09pm
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she has a lot of issues.

you should walk away.

I doubt you will.

She will mess you up big time with plenty of excuses like "I am unable to love".

This is a girl who is preparing the ground to see if you're willing to be her next victim. If you fall for all this crap she will walk all over you and rip your heart out then trample on it.

Will it probably go as far as you walking in on her one day in bed with another man? That's upto you.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #3  February 2,2011, 3:11pm
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And the 3 week break..... Where do you think she was during those 3 weeks?

I forgot to say, welcome to the forum and I hope you find someone special. I'm sorry but this girl isn't. Look back on your post - everything she talks about is herself. She is starting to control you and your relationship with her. Her focus is on herself not you and your needs. She has told you she is in a bad way emotionally - you should not view this as an challenge to "save" someone.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; February 2,2011 at 3:35pm.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #4  February 2,2011, 3:33pm
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So you have really only been seeing each other for over a month and a half..only on the weekends...that really isn't a lot of time...

Her saying that she is incapable of love at 23 is pretty strange....what isn't strange....is that she hasn't had a long term relationship by now....you all are very young...so it's no big deal to be dating and figuring out what you like and don't like in a partner..

You may be coming on way too strong for her as you say you have fallen for her...and you've seen each other...maybe less than 20 days all together?
Talking on the phone all the time doesn't take the place of really developing a relationship with someone...

There are two options here...either she really just sees you as a great friend...and just doesn't want to be in a relationship with 'you'..which I am thinking this is the case.(sorry for being blunt)...or you are pushing too much and wanting a lot more from her when you really haven't spent all that much time together..in person...

Relax...enjoy dating...if she's not ready or willing to go forward with you..then move on to someone who is wanting more of an exclusive, healthy, and full relationship...I would just recommend the next woman you meet...take your time...try not to fall so quickly without having the other person be on the same page...
Last edited by Ingytravel; February 2,2011 at 3:40pm.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #5  February 2,2011, 3:45pm
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The way I see this is that right now, you are giving her everything that she needs, but by saying she is "unable to love", she is building in distance so that you don't get too close. She is very afraid to open up and afraid that she will get hurt. She is happy to keep you as a "friend", but also thinks of you as more than a friend (the intimacy). But, by telling herself that you are not really "a couple", she can avoid all of the things that go with being in a "real relationship".

This doesn't mean that she is keeping you on the back burner while she dates lots of other guys, in case that doesn't work out. Not every girl who doesn't want to date "you" or "be in a relationship" is lying to you while she dates someone else. She could be, but I don't think it's fair to assume that.

Since she has told you she wants to be "just friends", even best friends, I wonder how she will feel if you start dating someone else, and if that starts going somewhere...

Right now, she can't give you what you really want, even though you are currently giving her what she really wants - to be together, without the "being together". This is not fair to you. Maintaining this kind of pseudo-non-relationship just prevents you from finding a woman with whom you can have a real, actual relationship. It's not an easy decision, especially when things seem so "right" - but ultimately, you have to do what is best for yourself, even if that sometimes hurts the other person. Right now, she's hurting you by not being able to give you what you need.
 
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butternut is offline butternut Post #6  February 2,2011, 3:55pm
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Aw, this is so sad. She doesn't want you completly but she doesn't want you to leave. She's unable to love but she wants you to love her (unconditionally no doubt). She wants to be best friends but then feels rejected when you agree not to act in an 'unfriendly' way to her, so she needs to come onto you to prove to herself that she has you. Does any of this sound like an emotionally healthy situation? I would say that you deserve better.
 
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keresenzia is offline keresenzia Post #7  February 2,2011, 4:09pm
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Run as far and as fast as you can before investing any more of your emotions that another girl will accept with wide open arms... Already there is a sound of dysfunctionality to this...
 
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LovelyLinda04 is offline LovelyLinda04 Post #8  February 2,2011, 8:49pm

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Since there is no real problem and your enjoying your best lady friend on weekends, why not leave well enough alone.
If a problem arises then you or she will deal with it.

I don't believe at age 20 or 23 that "your unable to love."
The reality is that she has not met the one, who swept her off her feet and she falls in love with and neither have a lot of the members on here.

"She believes that this could be related to her relationship with her neglectful and narcissistic biological father. For instance, she feels anxiety and feels uncomfortable after we've been physical or anything beyond friends. "
Based on the above; do you think that she may have been molested as a child?

Possibly you might be able to convince her to try some therapy to deal with her unresolved issues? Which in turn would allow her to free herself from the anxiety and stress or guilt of being physical. Good Luck.

L.L.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  February 2,2011, 10:32pm
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Hi delocated and welcome to EHA. Way to jump right in!

I wouldn't run from this ... not at your age. You feel very connected to her, best-friend material and all that -- that's not something to throw away lightly.

But I would keep in mind that it may not work out longterm. She might or might not have some big issues about sex, relationships, men, anxiety, etc. If she does, she might not be able to get past them enough to do a good relationship.

One thing you could do is try slowing down a little. At 23/24 you don't have to decide anytime soon that "we are Together Forever" ... so don't. Keep your minds open. Perhaps a lower level of pressure will help her calm down?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  February 3,2011, 3:10am
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Welcome to the boards......She wants the comfort, love, affection, security of a relationship.......but is not ready / does not want to get her act together to give that in return........She has the wall of "I'm damaged", "I'm independent", etc. She is emotionally very needy, but not mature and together enough for a healthy relationship.........Hope it works out, good Luck.....
delocated wrote :
She has a history of short-term relationships that she attributes to an "inability to love" another romantically; a "numbness", so to speak. She's never been in a long-term relationship. She's basically had several friends with physical relationships

she feels anxiety and feels uncomfortable after we've been physical or anything beyond friends.

She basically doesn't want it because the commitment and devotion expected makes her uncomfortable and pressured and she's not ready for it.
 
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