How long does it take a woman to emotionally get over an abortion??


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rph10 is offline rph10 Post #1  February 2,2011, 1:03pm
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Hello everyone, and I am not not proud to post this. After about a month with the girl I was dating we found out she was pregnant. We talked about what to do and morally she was having issues about it and even backed out once because she was not ready but ultimately went thru with the abortion thanksgiving 2010 wknd. I never directly asked her after how she was doing. I stayed the caring person I was before it happened and she did not ignore me at all, thanking me for being in her life, telling me she was lucky to have someone like me, never resisting seeing me, etc. I had met her parents a few times over the months we dated and when my parents came into town the day she was supposed to meet them she freaked out and said she was not ready, felt it was a big deal (I told her it wasnt as I told her it was a playdate for our kids, and my parents were going to be at my house so you will see them that's it) buts he told me how she wasn't ready to be in a relationship, wanted her freedom to do as she pleased and felt overwelmed. I said if that's how you feel let's end this as I had no idea she thought this.
I contacted her about a month later to exchange some personal effects. She sent me an email that to this day bothers me as she never mentioned these issues while we were dating (email was sent about mid jan)
-she feels angry and regretful about the abortion and does not love herself, and has anger directed at me.
-my ex and I do not get along as my ex does not want to give me anymore time with my daughter than she has too. the girl I was dating feels bad for my daughter as she told me the situation kept her up at night as she is not sure that she wants the negativety in her life (what can I do about it? it is what it is)
-she sees similarities in me and other past failed relationships and sees herself heading down that path and thinks she feels a huge sense of responsibility to provide me security and stability.
again, she never mentioned any of this when we were dating. I felt blindsided and upset that she could not tell me these things in our relationship, and made me wonder what else she was keeping. If we were to continue a relationship and start over it was as just friends for now, we were free to see other people according to her and she said we need to rebuild the foundation. I could not see myself starting over as I had been with her for 4 months and felt like we did go thru a lot, some good and bad and if we were not together what is the point of working on things? I said I couldnt do it and wished her well as I would have a hard time not looking at her as more than a friend.
THE ABORTION COMMENT FLOORED ME! I HAD NO IDEA SHE FELT THAT WAY AND WHEN I ASKED ABOUT THE ANGER TOWARD ME SHE WOULD NOT TELL ME. SO I ASK FOR A WOMAN'S ADVICE ABOUT THIS AND HOW LONG MAY IT TAKE FOR HER TO GET THRU THIS. SHE IS SEEING A PSYCHOLOGIST ABOUT IT AND I WILL BE SEEING ONE SOON TO DEAL WITH MY GUILT ABOUT THIS AND I FEEL BLINDSIDED ABOUT HOW SHE FELT TOWARDS ME. BUT I DO FEEL AWFUL ABOUT WHAT SHE IS FEELING AND HOPE SHE WILL BE OK.
Thank you everyone for your comments and posts. It has been a horrible time the last month.
Last edited by rph10; February 2,2011 at 1:10pm.
 
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StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #2  February 2,2011, 1:14pm
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To answer the question in your title - the women I know who have had abortions still aren't 'over it' emotionally decades later.

I think it's a good idea for you to talk to a counselor about your own feelings. Good luck to you.
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #3  February 2,2011, 2:02pm

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StPaulGirl wrote :
To answer the question in your title - the women I know who have had abortions still aren't 'over it' emotionally decades later.

I think it's a good idea for you to talk to a counselor about your own feelings. Good luck to you.
I agree 100% on both points.

I have read a lot of testimonials from women who have had abortions and none of them spoke of "getting over it" either, even decades later.

She needs time to grieve, be angry, be sad - feel everything she needs to and is going to feel, which she is evidently doing, but I don't see a swift resolution happening here. Guilt and anger don't just go away.

I'm sorry you were blindsided by her comments, but I think it is wise for you to see a counsellor also. There are all kinds of issues here that you need to deal with on your own. She needs to do the same as well.

I wish you both the best. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful this must be for you and for her.
 
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LovelyLinda04 is offline LovelyLinda04 Post #4  February 2,2011, 2:08pm

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StPauliGirl wrote :
To answer the question in your title - the women I know who have had abortions still aren't 'over it' emotionally decades later.

I think it's a good idea for you to talk to a counselor about your own feelings. Good luck to you.

I have to agree with StPauliGirl, but I do find it really shocking on Mr. Nice Guy, to carefully impregnate his G/F by not practicing safe sex and then be so ignorant to the emotional and mental issues that he left her to deal with.
Now he's shocked about her comments on the abortion?
Or being deaf, dumb and blind when it counts the most.

L.L.
 
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rph10 is offline rph10 Post #5  February 2,2011, 2:23pm
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LovelyLinda04 wrote :

I have to agree with StPauliGirl, but I do find it really shocking on Mr. Nice Guy, to carefully impregnate his G/F by not practicing safe sex and then be so ignorant to the emotional and mental issues that he left her to deal with.
Now he's shocked about her comments on the abortion?
Or being deaf, dumb and blind when it counts the most.

L.L.
just maybe she told me she was on the pill and for some reason did not take them??? just maybe when I asked her to talk to me about her feelings about it when she did tell me how she was feeling angry about it she did not want to talk about it??? Don't jump to conclusions and just blame the guy always, there is 2 sides to every story!
 
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Dropdeadredtx is online now Dropdeadredtx Post #6  February 2,2011, 2:24pm
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LovelyLinda04 wrote :
I have to agree with StPauliGirl, but I do find it really shocking on Mr. Nice Guy, to carefully impregnate his G/F by not practicing safe sex and then be so ignorant to the emotional and mental issues that he left her to deal with.
Now he's shocked about her comments on the abortion?
Or being deaf, dumb and blind when it counts the most.

L.L.
Wow, I think this is pretty harsh. Accidents happen, and difficult choices have to be made.

I think most men truly can't understand what this situation is like for a woman. Both parties are hurting over this, and rph10, please find someone you can talk to about this. A counselor or therapist, preferably, a professional who can help you and by doing so allow you to help her.
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #7  February 2,2011, 2:28pm
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LovelyLinda04 wrote :
I have to agree with StPauliGirl, but I do find it really shocking on Mr. Nice Guy, to carefully impregnate his G/F by not practicing safe sex and then be so ignorant to the emotional and mental issues that he left her to deal with.
Now he's shocked about her comments on the abortion?
Or being deaf, dumb and blind when it counts the most.

L.L.
You are assuming facts not in evidence. No where did he say they didn't practice safe sex.
 
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Bijou13 is offline Bijou13 Post #8  February 2,2011, 2:36pm
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@lovelylinda - Sometimes a condom breaks. Pills can be affected by other medications, inconsistent time its taken, etc. And what if the girl lied about taking birth control? I'm not defending the OP, but I have a couple of guy friends that have gone thru some messed up things.

Anyways, everyone handles abortion differently. I have been lucky to never have gone thru that, but I have friends that have. I know one girl who had 2 in one year. From the outside looking in, you'd think it was no big deal. But her drug and alcohol use told a different story. And this was back in high school, 13yrs ago. I don't know how she's doing today, but I hope she got the help she needed.

A good friend of mine had gotten pregnant at the age of 18 and had an abortion. Fast forward 10 yrs, she got married and was trying to get pregnant, she worried that the abortion may have harmed her in some way. Ultimately, she conceived and has a awesome little girl with her husband. She told me that she thinks about that baby every day. She wonders if it would've beena girl or a boy, the age, etc. She doesn't regret her decision, but it stays with her.

No one gets over an abortion. The woman sure doesn't and I'm going to assume a man doesn't either. I think if the decision to abort makes sense and neither person is coerced to agree, then its easier to live with.
 
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LovelyLinda04 is offline LovelyLinda04 Post #9  February 2,2011, 2:41pm

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VB_Girl wrote :
You are assuming facts not in evidence. No where did he say they didn't practice safe sex.
Yes, you are right but little tidbits are coming out such as she was on birth control pills. Which was not in his post, but he saved for a defensive reply. Read his post again and I found him to be just not a nice guy when it counted. They did not practice safe sex!

L.L.
Last edited by LovelyLinda04; February 2,2011 at 2:43pm.
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #10  February 2,2011, 3:15pm
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LovelyLinda04 wrote :

I have to agree with StPauliGirl, but I do find it really shocking on Mr. Nice Guy, to carefully impregnate his G/F by not practicing safe sex and then be so ignorant to the emotional and mental issues that he left her to deal with.
Now he's shocked about her comments on the abortion?
Or being deaf, dumb and blind when it counts the most.

L.L.
LovelyLinda04 wrote :
Yes, you are right but little tidbits are coming out such as she was on birth control pills. Which was not in his post, but he saved for a defensive reply. Read his post again and I found him to be just not a nice guy when it counted. They did not practice safe sex!

L.L.

REALLY?

Yeah, I am sure he had it all carefully planned out to impregnate her on purpose so he could cause her emotional turmoil (by getting her pregnant) and her having an abortion.


Accidents happen. Whether or not they had safe sex isn't your business nor is it the issue he came here looking for thoughts on. If all you have to offer is a condescending attitude and accusations, why do you bother posting?

~~~
OP, only the most heartless of a person would have no trouble dealing with something like abortion. For whatever reason, abortion is a difficult thing to have to decide, let alone carry out. If she is truly seeking help, be thankful for that. There may be more to her issues than you know or realize. The best thing you can do now is for yourself, get counseling and stick with it.
 
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