squirrellover is offline squirrellover Post #1  January 31,2011, 2:18pm
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We've been together for 3 years. He's an amazing guy! I love him, he says he loves me (and I believe him). For the most part, we have a great relationship. I also know that what we have is something that others are looking for. We are having a few issues right now. I'm stuck between hanging in there (for better or worse type thing) and knowing when it's time to move on.

Number one issue, he'd be fine living together forever. I'm not. I thought I was OK with it, but after a year of living together, I want more. I know that marriage doesn't provide a guarantee, but it is a promise made by both. It bothers me that he sometimes says he can see us getting married, then saying he's afraid he'll lose money if we marry and then divorce. By not wanting to marry me, I feel like I'm not good enough...or that he's waiting to see if someone better comes along (although he has *never* given me *any* reason to believe that he would be unfaithful). So, on the one hand, I want more. He isn't willing to give it, so I think, perhaps, I should move on. On the other hand, we love each other and it would be silly to end things...but I constantly feel not good enough.

I want to work this out, but worry that I'll always feel "less than". I don't want our relationship to feel 'off balance'. We talk about this all the time and it always ends up with him feeling like he's pushed into a corner (which I'm not trying to do, I just want to know why he feels the way he does, and what, if anything, I can do to ease his fears), and I always end up feeling not good enough (which is really a carpy way to feel).

How do you know when to stay and work through your issue, and when do you know it's just better to say "I love you, but this isn't working anymore".
 
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annother is offline annother Post #2  January 31,2011, 3:17pm
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It seems to me that if his fear of being taken to the cleaners in a divorce is the only thing holding him back, then the problem is easily solved. You both sign pre-nuptial agreements protecting your assets and taking responsibility for your debts.

However, I get the sense that there is something more here. Is there some other reason that you feel "less than" the ideal partner for him? Has he suggested that he would consider marriage with someone else, but not with you?

If you have reached the point where you are considering saying "This isn't working any more," then serious steps need to be taken to try to work this out. If you cannot work it out between you, then I recommend you get some help from a counselor or other qualified third party.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #3  January 31,2011, 3:29pm
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I do not understand why you think you can only go long term with your relationship if you are married.

If you are willing to move on because he doesn't want to follow the traditional route of getting married but he is happy and makes you happy, then I think it's a shame you think like this.

I suspect you want marriage for your own reasons - perhaps a status thing or the security logic which I've never understood ..... and haven't considered what he wants.

If you love him, don't lose him.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; January 31,2011 at 3:35pm.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #4  January 31,2011, 4:02pm
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I think that society does convey a certain level of legal and social status to marriage. I also think it makes a difference for the couple when they refer to their partner as "wife" or "husband" rather than "girlfriend" or "boyfriend". It's only words, but the assumed longevity and commitment of the relationship seems different.

I would think the pre-nuptial agreement would take care of the concerns about financial assets. Did your boyfriend have a bad divorce? Do you think he's got baggage from that?
 
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squirrellover is offline squirrellover Post #5  January 31,2011, 9:52pm
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
I do not understand why you think you can only go long term with your relationship if you are married.

If you are willing to move on because he doesn't want to follow the traditional route of getting married but he is happy and makes you happy, then I think it's a shame you think like this.

I suspect you want marriage for your own reasons - perhaps a status thing or the security logic which I've never understood ..... and haven't considered what he wants.

If you love him, don't lose him.
I don't feel that we can only be 'long term' if we are married. But let's flip this around...if I make him happy, why not get married? If he loves me, don't lose me. I wonder if he considers what I want. Of course it's not that simple. I'm always stuck on what, if any, the compormise is if one wants marriage and the other doesn't.
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #6  January 31,2011, 10:11pm
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squirrellover wrote :
I don't feel that we can only be 'long term' if we are married. But let's flip this around...if I make him happy, why not get married? If he loves me, don't lose me. I wonder if he considers what I want. Of course it's not that simple. I'm always stuck on what, if any, the compormise is if one wants marriage and the other doesn't.
Are you going to address the pre-nuptial agreement question? Have you discussed this? Would you consider this? If not, why not?
 
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LovelyLinda04 is offline LovelyLinda04 Post #7  January 31,2011, 10:19pm

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squirrellover wrote :
We've been together for 3 years. He's an amazing guy! I love him, he says he loves me (and I believe him). For the most part, we have a great relationship. I also know that what we have is something that others are looking for. We are having a few issues right now. I'm stuck between hanging in there (for better or worse type thing) and knowing when it's time to move on.

Number one issue, he'd be fine living together forever. I'm not. I thought I was OK with it, but after a year of living together, I want more. I know that marriage doesn't provide a guarantee, but it is a promise made by both. It bothers me that he sometimes says he can see us getting married, then saying he's afraid he'll lose money if we marry and then divorce. By not wanting to marry me, I feel like I'm not good enough...or that he's waiting to see if someone better comes along (although he has *never* given me *any* reason to believe that he would be unfaithful). So, on the one hand, I want more. He isn't willing to give it, so I think, perhaps, I should move on. On the other hand, we love each other and it would be silly to end things...but I constantly feel not good enough.

I want to work this out, but worry that I'll always feel "less than". I don't want our relationship to feel 'off balance'. We talk about this all the time and it always ends up with him feeling like he's pushed into a corner (which I'm not trying to do, I just want to know why he feels the way he does, and what, if anything, I can do to ease his fears), and I always end up feeling not good enough (which is really a carpy way to feel).

How do you know when to stay and work through your issue, and when do you know it's just better to say "I love you, but this isn't working anymore".
I don't believe that your being objective in your analysis of the problem. There are no 2nd class citizens but there are 2nd class people.
Your bringing baggage from a prior life into the relationship and pushing your B/F into a corner because he can't give you what you need.
You did sum it up with this statement!

"I want to work this out, but worry that I'll always feel "less than". I don't want our relationship to feel 'off balance'. We talk about this all the time and it always ends up with him feeling like he's pushed into a corner."

In order to be self fulfilled, you must first understand why you feel like a 2nd. class person or less than? You must learn to fill the void and then as equals the relationship will move to the next higher level. If you got married today nothing would change and you would be blaming him for the problems. Try some short term counseling. Good Luck.

L.L.
Last edited by LovelyLinda04; January 31,2011 at 10:23pm.
 
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squirrellover is offline squirrellover Post #8  January 31,2011, 10:21pm
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[quote=Shelby;1254966]I think that society does convey a certain level of legal and social status to marriage. I also think it makes a difference for the couple when they refer to their partner as "wife" or "husband" rather than "girlfriend" or "boyfriend". It's only words, but the assumed longevity and commitment of the relationship seems different.

You pretty much nailed it there! It's hard to explain, but you did a great job of it!

I would think the pre-nuptial agreement would take care of the concerns about financial assets. Did your boyfriend have a bad divorce? Do you think he's got baggage from that?[/quote]

Early on we both agreed to a pre-nup, should we get married. For whatever reason, that isn't calming his fears now. He did have a bad divorce, so did I. In his he lost money, so did I (by taking on all our debt and not taking spousal support/401(k)/splitting other assets) Thinking about it now, we sold the house, ex kept all the money, ex cleaned out all of our bank accounts, ran up the credit cards buying his new girlfriend jewelry and other gifts. He took my car because it was paid for and left me with the car which had payments. In all honesty, if one of us should have baggage/fear, it should be me!

We (both) used to talk about getting married (to each other) He always makes comments about his brother who dated his wife for 10 years before they married (they started in their early teens...not the case with us) He also talks about my brother who dated his wife for 20 years before they got married...however neither of them wanted to marry until my brother had a heart attack and there was difficulty with his "girlfriend" getting info from the doctor/insurance company.

The only reason I feel "less than" is his reluctance to get married...since it's what we talked about. Maybe it's not "his" time, and if not, I'm willing to wait, but I don't want to be having this same dicussion 5 years from now. He says his reluctance is only the money issue, if that's true, then sign pre-nups...we've both already agreed to that. So, in my head, the only other reason I can come up with is I'm not good enough (which he always says isn't true). I feel like he's not willing to commit 100%...he's willing to commit enough, but just so he has nothing to lose.

Which leads me back to my original question...how do you know if you should stick it out? And when do you know it's time to let go?
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #9  January 31,2011, 10:30pm
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squirrellover wrote :
Early on we both agreed to a pre-nup, should we get married.

Well if you talked about a pre-nup, I got nothing other than tax-wise you are better off not married.
Last edited by skitermon; January 31,2011 at 10:33pm.
 
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squirrellover is offline squirrellover Post #10  January 31,2011, 10:36pm
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LovelyLinda04 wrote :
If you got married today nothing would change and you would be blaming him for the problems.
I disagree. If we got married, I would know what his commitment level was...not saying that means we would never have issues or that it would last forever, but I would know his intentions. I would know that we are both on the same field, we both have something to lose should it end. I'd also know that both of us are planning on spending our lives together, growing old together. Of course there are going to some out there who will say, you don't need to get married for all of that...but if that is what you say you want (which he does) then why not get married?
 
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